Dear Diary, Part 2
Posted in The Historical Faith and tagged with Bible, Boys, Faith, Letters on April 12, 2008Dear God, [Once again, I didn't write it this way, but I am generally writing this to God so I thought it would be better to put that than "Dear diary"]
God, I just got back from the mission conference. I’m really unclear about my heart right now. I really feel I just need to spend some time aone with You, but I don’t know where. Everywhere there are people. Nothing wrong with people or anything, but they distract me. I want to spend time with You!
Beverly let me borrow her car so I have driven to the mall to get away from all the people at the Project. [Since I was in Phoenix in July, there was no way to go outside anywhere. I actually went inside a fairly empty mall and sat on a bench, and within five minutes a lady with her two grandchildren sat next to me and the child keeps coming up to me and talking to me, even grabbing my legs!] Yet, I keep finding distractions. God, I want my heart to be pure! What am I holding back? What do I not give to You?
I caught myself being jealous bcause he sat next to Beverly and next to Anna. Hello! How young can I be? I don’t hardly even like the guy, yet I get jealous when he talks to friends! Sometimes I really annoy myself!
Where is my heart? I feel like I am far from God’s will tonight. With everything that is going on, I feel I am concentrating way too much on that. Throughout this last session, I kept reverting back to “Billy this” [not his real name] and “Billy that.” During the worship at the end I just wanted it to be finished. God, Your are a God worthy of my praise, yet I fail to give it. You are worth my undivided attention yet I find myself and my mind wandering to other things. God, I offer up to You the one thing I want to hold on to the most: my future. Do with it as You will. I want my will to be Your will. Give me a heart for the lost.
What do you want me to do with my future? Am I to go overseas? Am I to stay and mobilize, send, and pray? Are you preparing me for marriage?
Today at dinner Billy sat and ate with me and some other girls. The more I find out about him, the more I like him.
God, I know your timing is perfect, but I have a hard time accepting that sometimes. I, as a typical human, want things my way at my time. Instead, I must give over my desire to date, my desire to plan my future. You do not withhold good things from me, so why do I think you do?
[I then quote Psalm 139:14, which I also quoted here a few days ago when talking about some of the same things. Though I definitely know that I've grown spiritually from this, I still struggle with a lot of the same issues!]
Restless,
Ronnica
April 12th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Ronnica Honey, I love this. You didn’t hold anything back. You told what was in your heart. I told God this week that I wasn’t sure how to be a Christian. Distinctly, I felt in my heart “My Word.” I knew that I needed to be in the Bible more.
I hope that your feelings are met with His peace. THANK YOU for sharing.
Jennifer
April 12th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
You know I’m your roommate but sometimes I don’t think I know you very well and for that I am sorry!! Thanks for sharing! :)
Dori
April 13th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
I think that the waiting game is one of the hardest things to do. Really God is the only one that knows exactly what is best for us cause only He can see what’s in store for us. Good luck. I used to get jealous when the boy I liked talked to someone else too. Still do actually.