Dear Unnamed

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Dear Unnamed,

I don’t know what to say to you. I know you’d probably prefer a funny letter, but my thoughts are so complicated when it comes to you. You’ve had my heart on and off again for a good part of my adult life, and I hate that. I’m kinda like Kat in 10 Things I Hate About You, “But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.”

The problem is that my heart says “yes” while my brain says “no.” More recently, my brain has been winning. Whether this is temporary or a true sign of moving on, I don’t know. Sometimes when I see you I’m okay with just being friends, while at other times, the understanding look in your eyes and the gentle touch of your fingers on my shoulder just do me in. The crazy thing is I never know how I’m going to react until our eyes meet again.

I want to say that I’m moving on for good. I don’t really think you and I have a future yet I know that if you were to change your mind I might change mine. In this way I’m like Fanny in Mansfield Park when she answers Edmond that yes, her heart has changed, many times. Or maybe I’m like Elfride in A Pair of Blue Eyes who has changed her mind so many times, that she decides to simply let the horse dictate whether she should runaway with her lover or not. Sometimes I wish we still had horses. If I tried doing that with my car, I’d likely end up killed.

So why I can’t honestly say good-bye and “See you never!” to my feelings for you, I do think that I can honestly say that I’m seeking God in who He would have me marry (if He would have me marry) rather than try to force something with you where it doesn’t work. So, here’s a “good-bye” and a “wish you well,” because I truly do. I hope that God will lead the just right lady into your life.

Without a horse,


13 thoughts on “Dear Unnamed

  1. I was about the same age as you are now when I felt many of those same things … though strangely enough I wasn’t seeking a husband.

    I can so identify with what you’ve written and I probably have something similar written in my stack of old papers somewhere.

    I had loved a girl for many years. She well and truly knew about it but while we were good friends, there was nothing more. I, apparently, wasn’t her type.

    Finally, (it was actually around my 24th birthday) once I’d finally decided NO MORE! she changed her mind. So of course … so did I.

    We dated for almost a year but it was never going to be forever.

    Thankfully, when I reached 28, I met the most beautiful woman I’d ever known. We met in the January of 1992 and were married in December the same year. We have two amazing children and I’m so happy that I didn’t settle for second best.

    Let your brain win. Say goodbye and one day God may well provide the one for whom both your heart and brain can say YES!

  2. That decision must be really difficult for you. I too had a relationship where it was very difficult to move on. Ultimately I’m glad I did but at the time it was agony.

    Have faith in yourself that you will do what is right for you.

  3. Thanks for stopping by my blog on the BARW flight to New Zealand. I’m glad you enjoyed the visit. I hope you make it here for real one day.

    I found this post deeply moving. I hope that in time your heart accepts what your head is telling you and you can be at peace with your decision.

  4. I think that God will lead the “just right” man into your life, though I don’t really recommend trying out guys like porridge. And I also don’t recommend you let your car dictate where you go. It’s a nice car, though certainly not like your old one.

  5. I had a relationship like that before I met my husband. It was poisonous for me, but I couldn’t make myself cut him out of my life for a very long time. In the end, though, I did and it was like a weight coming off my shoulders. You’re a smart woman and I have confidence that your Mr. Right will come along.

  6. I’ve been thinking about this since you posted it and just had to let you know I appreciate it. Thanks for your openess about something that I think most of us have/are/will deal with; it’s encouraging to see someone else trying to seek God, and follow Him and not feelings.

  7. This is heartfelt and honest. I can respect you for this post, even though I don’t know you. Good luck–I know that you’ll find the right “road” to travel. BTW, got a Great New Giveaway going on over at my place, to commemorate my 100th post–please stop by!

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