I don’t know what to say to you. I know you’d probably prefer a funny letter, but my thoughts are so complicated when it comes to you. You’ve had my heart on and off again for a good part of my adult life, and I hate that. I’m kinda like Kat in 10 Things I Hate About You, “But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.”
The problem is that my heart says “yes” while my brain says “no.” More recently, my brain has been winning. Whether this is temporary or a true sign of moving on, I don’t know. Sometimes when I see you I’m okay with just being friends, while at other times, the understanding look in your eyes and the gentle touch of your fingers on my shoulder just do me in. The crazy thing is I never know how I’m going to react until our eyes meet again.
I want to say that I’m moving on for good. I don’t really think you and I have a future yet I know that if you were to change your mind I might change mine. In this way I’m like Fanny in Mansfield Park when she answers Edmond that yes, her heart has changed, many times. Or maybe I’m like Elfride in A Pair of Blue Eyes who has changed her mind so many times, that she decides to simply let the horse dictate whether she should runaway with her lover or not. Sometimes I wish we still had horses. If I tried doing that with my car, I’d likely end up killed.
So why I can’t honestly say good-bye and “See you never!” to my feelings for you, I do think that I can honestly say that I’m seeking God in who He would have me marry (if He would have me marry) rather than try to force something with you where it doesn’t work. So, here’s a “good-bye” and a “wish you well,” because I truly do. I hope that God will lead the just right lady into your life.
Without a horse,