What Not to Say to a Single Woman
Posted in Solo Historian and tagged with contentment, God, singleness on November 13, 2008FYI: This post isn’t written specifically to anyone. It’s just something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time and wanted to get out there.
For the most part, I enjoy being single. Of course there’s an ache inside for a husband and kids, but I truly seek to be content exactly where I am. But there are a couple of things that I find particularly annoying about being single. The first one is having to go to parties and events alone. I really have to push myself to go to things if I don’t know that I have a close friend that will be there.
The other thing that I find annoying is when people tell me,
“I know he’s out there.”
or
“Keep waiting; he’ll come.”
or
“I just know that God has someone special lined up for you.”
or even
“If you just stop wanting to get married and just live life, he’ll pop right in your life.”
Really, I’ve tried that last one (as have many of my friends), and it’s not a magical formula.
I’m not saying that I won’t get married. I’m still young; I get that. Even if I wasn’t, God could bring someone into my life. I’m totally willing and doing whatever it is in my power to prepare myself for marriage and not hinder any potential relationship.
It’s just that I don’t know that I’ll get married. I also don’t know that I won’t. And unless God has told you something about me that He hasn’t even told me, you don’t know that either.
So please don’t tell me or any other single women you know/meet that you know that we’ll get married. I know you mean well when you say it, but it’s really not helpful. When I hear things like that, it tempts me to take my mind off God (Colossians 3:1-3) to give myself a pity party.
Here’s something a married friend said that carries the same sentiment that WAS helpful:
“I also know that you are awaiting the man (if he is there) that the Lord has in mind for you, but I can only suggest that you continue to rest and enjoy the freedom and time you have by yourself.”
That’s exactly what I needed to hear then, and that’s exactly what I need to hear now.
———————————————————————————-
I’m thankful for the freedom I have to choose what I want to do and eat and how I live my life. Truly I am.
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November 13th, 2008 at 9:12 am
Wow, I got married very young, so was never subjected to comments about marriage, but these are almost EXACTLY the entirely unhelpful, hurtful things that are said to people going through infertility…”god has a plan for you” (or the even worse, “Maybe it’s a sign God doesn’t want you to have children”), “Just stop trying and it’ll happen”, “I know you’ll have children one day”. How funny, that well-meaning people can be so unhelpful. I always tried to look behind the mean comment to the good intentions behind it, though I must admit I didn’t always hold my tongue!
November 13th, 2008 at 9:20 am
WAC, you’re totally right. These type of statements are unhelpful to anyone going through any situation that they’d rather not be in. I’ve heard similiar comments aren’t helpful to those who have lost a loved one, for example.
November 13th, 2008 at 9:36 am
As a long-time married person, all I can say is ENJOY being single! It’s a wonderful experience and there are days when I wish I were single again. Not that I don’t treasure my husband and my life – I do! Sometimes we spend too much time wishing for what we don’t have rather than what we do. I remember wanting to get married and to live happily ever after – I think I may have spent too much time looking forward to that rather than enjoying the different kinds of freedom “singleness” allows. You certainly seem to have a great head on your shoulders – keep enjoying the “now” :-)
November 13th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Before I was married it was all I ever wanted to be, but I’ve learned that marriage is not the ideal that I thought it would be. There are so many days that I wish I had the freedom of single life…just me and the Lord and no concern for this other person that I’ve vowed to remain with for a lifetime.
The grass is always greener, my dear. No matter our status, single or married, the only true contentment comes when God is everything and we’re seeking His face.
November 13th, 2008 at 10:15 am
THe encouragement you received was good and you are right to find that the most effective and useful advice.
There ARE things to enjoy in all seasons.
Good post.
November 13th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I never got the single comments……but you get something similar when you have a miscarriage. Totally annoying, but people mean well. :)
November 13th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Your friend definitely hit the mark with that statement! And I could not agree more with Lynda!!!!
November 13th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I agree….when I was single people about dropped over dead when I told them I don’t want to get married. No one could understand why. But I was really enjoying myself, being single, and traveling. It was great!
So just have fun!!
November 13th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Wise words from your married friend…
Thanks for visiting me in Sweden today.
November 13th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
I’ll join the chorus and say that I agree with your married friend. I won’t lie to you, marriage can be great, but being single is great, too. It’s something I struggle with in my own life, living in the moment. Seeing all of the wonderful things that I currently have. When I was single I had tons of girlfriends, relationships that I just don’t have the time to maintain at that level now, but I miss it. I slept in, a lot. I slept in the middle of the bed. I traveled extensively. I didn’t realize how good things were for me, though. I think that is the message behind “when you’re not looking,” inane though it is, live your life, don’t waste it waiting around for something or one to happen. Not necessarily talking to you, just generally speaking to the topic of your post. I have no doubt you are living it up!
November 13th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
I have 6 kids and Im Cathoic so I hear LOTS of the same comments over and over again. Know the feeling!
November 13th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I’m not being supportive of what people have said to you, but it seems to me to be “comfort” responses that are blurted out. When we’re called on to comment on something that doesn’t fit what we consider to be the “norm” most of us aren’t wise enough to know exactly what that person needs to hear. That’s why inane comments come out that are meant to comfort the listener but only comfort the speaker a little.
I do agree with what your friend said. Enjoy the ability to be your own boss. Cook when and what you want to. Stay up as late as you want to. Not share a bathroom with anyone…
November 13th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Right there with you sister!!
Yes, I guess they mean well – and I probably say things to my friends in the challenges that they face that aren’t helpful.
The whole, you’ll find him when you quit looking is the one that bugs the crap outta me.
Yeah? If your husband was missing – would you stop looking?
November 13th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
So true! I think I say things like that to my friends with challenges, too. I guess instead of trying to give advice, I should just love them.
November 13th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
I’m so with you! I get the same comments…especially now that I am 34! My family thinks they are being an encouragement but really they aren’t!
I’ve even had family members ask me if I considered having invitro so that I can have a baby while I’m still able to! Sheesh!
I really don’t mind being single as I’ve gotten to do some great things; however, weddings and holiday parties suck! Going by yourself just isn’t the same without a date.
November 14th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Me thinks that sometimes it’s best just not to say something at all and listen. I know that’s what I do with my single (or infertile) friends.
(((hugs)))
November 14th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Ronnica, your boldness in putting this out there is awesome. I remember in college wanting nothing more than having the potential man in my life that I would marry and not even going on a date. I would cry and cry. At that time books like Passion and Purity and Lady in Waiting were popular among my group of girlfriends. The one thing that many of us took away from that was that “if you just come to the place where you are content, then God will send you the person you’re going to marry.” So, I would fall into the trap of saying, “I’m content being single…I’m content being single…I’M CONTENT BEING SINGLE…now, God where is he?” Totally harmful.
There are no guarantees in life and no magic formulas.
November 15th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
There’s a great post on this over at Rocks in My Dryer!
http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/2008/11/welcome-to-anot.html
November 18th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Thanks for telling it like it is, Ronnica. I read someone’s blog the other day who said that she could live without a husband but could not live without her best girl friend. We form the relationships we need when we need them, and they come in so many different forms!
June 1st, 2009 at 1:56 pm
LOL! So true. I’m going to borrow this idea and write a post about what not to say to a pregnant woman! Thanks for stopping by my blog and posting!