Does Our Culture Idolize Single Mothers?
Posted in Solo Historian and tagged with Motherhood, Singleness on June 17, 2009First of all, to all my single mother friends: Hi! This post is not meant in way to detract from your experiences or to vilify you in anyway. This is not intended to be a slight on any one of you in particular or all of you in general. That said, I’d love your take on this subject, as you obviously see it from a different angle!
While I might use a question in a title rhetorically, in this case I’m not. This is honestly the question I’ve been mulling over the last few days. In light of the imminent nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court, I’ve heard some talk about how she is the product of a single-parent home, and how that’s a boost to single mothers everywhere. I remember some of the same type of talk about President Obama as well.
Stories about single mothers are often told in a sympathetic way, and I agree with that. Being a single mother can’t be easy, and mothering is one of the greatest responsiblities there is.
However, are we discounting how someone became a single mother? In some cases, the mother holds no blame (e.g., widowhood), while others the father has sole responsibility (e.g. leaving the mother of his child, or she leaves an abusive situation). Yet, I imagine, in a large number of cases, the mother herself is the cause, in part or in whole, of her situation. I don’t believe that this gives us reason to put them down or castigate them–after all, I don’t want someone else flinging my own sins back up into my face–but it is something to consider when pondering this question.
So, what do you think? Does our culture unduly idolize single mothers?
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June 17th, 2009 at 2:30 am
I am waiting to hear other’s views on the same. As far as my knowledge and experience says, single women are idolized when their kids succeed in life ! and i guess they deserve it too ..
June 17th, 2009 at 7:56 am
As you might guess….I have a lot to say on the matter. And it really isn’t such a black/white issue. When you think about it, it’s a very complex subject.
As Pretty Prats said, our culture idolizes single moms when their children succeed or when they themselves are successful.
On the other hand, our society does castigate single moms when they are not so successful, such as women like my sister who have to go on state welfare because the childs father is a deadbeat. They are called a drain on our society, and worse.
And some women are, especially those that have multiple children by multiple men. For them there is no consequence. Another kid, another increase in their welfare check. And yes, they are most definitely looked down upon by society. Their children suffer immensely. In most cases, they fall through the cracks, they aren’t given the tools they need to succeed in life, and another cycle of poverty begins.
Teenage mothers, and their parents, bear the brunt of our wrath.
HOWEVER, there is a double-standard in each case. Do you ever hear about any single fathers who raised successful children? In those cases, the fact that the child was brought up by a single father is most likely pushed into the background.
For men out there who are deadbeat fathers, there is no consequence. If my sister walks into a store, she gets looks from people because she is pushing a baby stroller and doesn’t have a ring on her finger. Cashiers in the grocery store treat her like crap when she pulls out her WIC coupons. I’ve seen it.
Yet, if the baby’s father were to walk into the same store, he would not get the same looks or be treated like crap because there is no outward indicator that says “Look! I am a deadbeat father who even refuses to work and buy a package of diapers for my son!”
And, we hear all the time in the news about the problems with teenage mothers, but are there ever any studies or news reports castigating the teenage boys that got the girls pregnant? If there are, they are very few and far between. And again, they are not given dirty looks by people because there are no outward appearances that they are a teenage boy that got a teenage girl pregnant.
And I will shut up now.
June 17th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I don’t have children and my parents are still together so I shouldn’t really have an opinion.
I know that raising kids are hard enough when there are two people raising them, nevermind one. Must be really hard.
June 17th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Wow…I don’t really know how to appropriately respond, but I will try. Having briefly been a single mom, I can say that it is very very difficult even with lots of help. But no mom should be idolized, ever. If a child turns out “well”, it is most definitely the product of more than the mom (i.e. the help of teachers, church members, family, etc.). I do, however, think that society often does put them on a pedestal when their children grow up to be good, law abiding, productive citizens. And I definitely think the mother is frowned upon when their children don’t. Neither response is correct.
We must remember, unfortunately, that (besides the actual death of a husband) there really are two sides to every story. This does not mean that the man should not be held accountable for his actions if he was abusive and it does not mean that the woman “made” him do it. I simply means that in every relationship, there are two sinners, and they both do things wrongly toward one another. So, honestly, it doesn’t matter if the woman married a deadbeat or a rocket scientist, she is just as sinful as he. I think society should work less on the blaming and why this or that happened and focus more on how to solve the problems of single motherhood, even for the mothers who do a great job of raising their kids. Why complain about something after it’s happened? You can’t change the fact that it happened. And we need to stop thinking that a good mom is just a good mom. A good mom is a product of something else so the accolades do not all go to her.
Ok. I’m done.
June 17th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I am in awe of single mothers who raise their kiddos, I am so exhausted by evening I cannot wait for some help.
I don’t think it is a black and white issue though… it all depends on circumstances… like the person wrote above…
June 17th, 2009 at 9:33 am
@Jacki: You’re right about that on the other end. As a former cashier, that made me sad. I know other cashiers wouldn’t want to do it as it’s a lot of extra work (and maybe that frusteration/annoyance is what you are picking up on, I don’t know), but I liked doing WIC orders because it was all so neat and orderly.
As you might imagine, I see a good number of deadbeat dads (and a few deadbeat moms!) with what I do. It’s hard to remember to treat them as a person…generally I don’t have much to say. I’m tired of hearing, “It doesn’t matter how much of a refund I’m going to get back because it’s just going to go to my ________ ex-wife/ex-husband.” How people can’t see past to the obvious consequences of their actions is beyond me.
I definitely think that there needs to be more of a focus on teenage fathers. They’re just as responsible (meaning irresponsible) for their own actions. There’s no place for the “Boys will be boys” excuse.
@Sleepyjane: I’m sure it is, too! I hope never to have to be in that place, but I don’t know what my future looks like.
@Elizabeth: Thanks for responding to this. Knowing your background, I knew that you would have more personal insight into it than I would. I wonder if our tendancy to put “good” mothers on pedastals and bad ones in the garbage adds unnecessary and unhelpful pressure to single moms?
Definitely, we need to do more to help single mothers.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:08 am
I think it is WAY more accepted then it ever was… its not unusual to see a single lady have a baby just because they WANT one… no one thinks anything of it anymore. Idolized? I’m not sure about that… but it is accepted..
I cant IMAGINE being a single mother… that would have to be so hard!
June 17th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I think those of us – myself included – who were brought up by single mothers have a very skewed perspective on it. If our childhood and those formative years pushed us in the “right” direction, then it’s easy to look at single motherhood as something great. But if we’ve grown up to be someone we, as individuals, aren’t proud of, it’s a bit more difficult.
Personally, I think my mother did an AMAZING job raising my brother and I practically by herself, so I’ve never thought of her being a single parent as anything other than a great thing. Truly, if my dad was around and remained with my mom, I’m not entirely certain I’d be as happy with the person I am today as I actually am.
With that said, I think single parenthood – not just mothers, but fathers, too – is very socially accepted today. Sure, there are people out there who will judge and take a stance that’s perhaps not as accepting, but generally speaking, I don’t think society holds the same issues about it as they did 50+ years ago.
As for whether or not it’s something “idolized,” I’m not entirely sure how to respond. When a mother does well raising her children on her own, I think it’s something to be idolized. Absolutely. But what about those parents who fail? The single parents who try, yet their children are taken away by social services or the youth grows into an adult who has behavior issues (I’m thinking of those involved in crime, etc.). Then we blame the single parent, saying the child is a product of their environment, thus it’s that one-parent household that created this adult.
So I’m not sure it’s “idolized” as a whole. And I’m not sure we can even look at it as a whole, just as though we likely wouldn’t look at two-parent homes and speak generally. It all depends on the hand we were dealt and how that parent or parents raise the kids.
June 17th, 2009 at 11:06 am
k, i think this might be a long post. back awhile ago ( i don’t know 40s and 50s) society stigmatized mothers out of wedlock. and while it was narrow minded and unkind, it did keep the numbers of single mothers low(er). also society pressured men to marry the women they got pregnant.
as we have become less prejudiced and more openminded, it has lessened the pressure that men feel that they have any responsibility. it’s like we said “its okay, we understand” and suddenly that’s a green light to do whatever you want and not be responsible for any children??? (i have a niece with a joke of a dad, who only shows up when he feels like it)
as to whether we idolize them…..i don’t know it idolize is the word, but i do think TV and media make it seem easier than it is. a good example is Rachel from friends. she is a perfect single mom. She has a high paying job, doesn’t come home tired, is NEVER sleep deprived or has child care issues. She also has a dad in the picture who is very loving and supportative. um, i know a few single moms, and none of those things are correct. i fear people (younger people) may see either characters on a TV show or a celebrity in hollywood and think that being a single mom isn’t difficult. when in reality these “idolized single moms” have lots of money, they don’t work 40+ hours, every week, all year long, they have help, and lots of it.
i hope this made sense and wasn’t a lot of rambling……
June 17th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Oh my gosh what a heavy topic. I think single mothers really do get a sympathetic view from everyone and also from the government. I give the mothers a lot of credit but I also really agree that sometimes these mothers could have put themselves in this situation. Either way, I still give them a lot of support in what they do, as long as they are taking care of their children which most of them do from my experience.
June 17th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Great question. Single moms are only idolized when they raise up kids that contribute to society in a positive way.
June 17th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Oh…..Disney certainly doesn’t idolize single moms! :) In fact, they tend to kill mothers off a lot.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:29 am
I don’t think I idolize single moms but I think I have sympathy for them and a better appreciation for them in the fact my mom was single but not by her choice (my dad died when I was 18 months old, living her a widow with a 18-month-old, 3-year-old and 5-year-old). I know how hard parenting is with 2 parents involved, it must have been tough with just 1 parent. I think she did an admirable job with what she had to work with and us 3 kids turned out pretty good.
June 18th, 2009 at 3:12 am
I really found some nice statememnts here :
If a child turns out “well”, it is most definitely the product of more than the mom (i.e. the help of teachers, church members, family, etc.).
—
I definitely think that there needs to be more of a focus on teenage fathers. They’re just as responsible (meaning irresponsible) for their own actions. There’s no place for the “Boys will be boys” excuse.
In all this was a real good post and comemnts included :) Good to read all the views :)
June 18th, 2009 at 8:20 am
I personally do feel the degree of ‘awe’ more times than not, crosses the line into a mild form of idolization. I don’t think it’s intentional, but I do believe as a whole we tend to forget that yes, there is blame on both ends.
June 18th, 2009 at 10:26 am
@Valentine: It does have a bit of a we-give-you-an-inch-you-take-a-mile feel to it, doesn’t it?
EXCELLENT point about how single motherhood is shown on TV/movies. Rachel is a great example…I mean, really, did her life change at all when she had her baby? She still seemed to hang out just as much with her friends and have as much energy as before.
@Michelle: They’re just taking their cues from the Western fairy tale canon. Now why it’s like that in the first place, I don’t know.
@Pretty Prats: Thanks, I like those, too! I think the best part of most posts is the comments, but these comments are better than average!
Thanks, everyone! This has helped me think through these issues. Still chewing…
June 18th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Raising a child is HARD. Doing it on your own? I can’t imagine. I think the reason our culture is so positive when a child of a single mother is successful is because we hear so many horror stories about teenage mothers, welfare mothers, etc, that we need to balance it out. At least to some degree.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
i think, in a way it’s become the cool thing to stay single and adopt kids. to kind of be supermom.
not that there is anything wrong with this, but i still believe a kid needs a mom and a dad to grow up with a good balance on life. however, living in a home that is disfunctional, they might be worse off than if they just had one parent.
June 18th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I think there are two groups of single parents, just like I think there are two groups of married couples. The first group – in a nutshell – is doing their best to raise their kids, regardless of whether there is just a mom, just a dad or a mom and a dad in the family. The second group is lost/dysfunctional, whatever you want to call it. These are the individuals (or couples) who have been either not been shown the way or have chosen not to follow it. This is the group that are struggling and their children are getting lost in the shuffle.
Having kids that ‘turn out’ is a matter of luck. Sure, it’s great if there’s Mom and Dad at home who love each other very much – but whether we turn out
‘good’ or ‘bad’ – has more to do with our own choices. Yes, that foundation really needs to be laid (regardless of who lays it: Mom and Dad, Mom, Dad, Teacher, Pastor, Coach, etc) – but what of those who have overcome obstacles? Those who by all accounts, should be repeating the cycle from which they came?
Personally, I think it all comes back to the fact that as a society, we all love a good underdog story. The single mom who goes to work full time, goes to school full time and still finds the time to volunteer in her kids’ school, scouts, soccer team, etc? Yeah, Mom! The under privileged child who overcomes so much – Homeless in Harvard anyone? Yes! Inspirational!
Are these people deserving of their kudos. Of course. Should they be put on pedestals? Probably not.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:54 am
@bluntdelivery: Me too, whenever possible. Though I have a heart for adoption, I won’t even think about doing it single. I can’t strip away the opportunity a child has to have a father. I will do whatever I can to support children regardless.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
First of all to my Single mother readers: Hi!…. LOL! I cracked up at that for some reason. Hi! *giggle* Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! for the giggle – Hi! :D
Oh Ronnica – great post. You are so bold in your topics. I think society emphasizes single motherhood because it is a difficult situation. Regardless of how they became single mothers, they have have sacrifieced so often to raise their child.
I am SO thankful to be raising my kids in a two parent home. I know I am blessed.
June 20th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I think part of it is our love for a good “overcomes adversity” story, or a “made a mistake and turned it into something great” story. Like my next door neighbor growing up…got pregnant at 14…clearly a mistake. Raised her child as a single mom (he’s now in middle school!), and they’re both doing great. She’s now married with a second child. So I guess I respect that she took a tough situation and not only made the best of it, but really succeeded for both herself and her child.
One of my friends also lost her husband to cancer when their twins were only 6 months old. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Knowing how difficult it is, it’s hard not to idolize her a little.
But as people have said, it’s just the success stories that are idolized. In fact, sometimes I think we as a society can be too hard on people who falter in a trying situation, like single motherhood…