Slow Response Time
Posted in Mixed Bag and tagged with Manners, Social interactions on June 4, 2009Is it just me, or has this been serious-central this week at the Ignorant Historian? Sorry about that! Though I never shy away from the serious stuff, I do like a good mix, but I haven’t really come up with anything light/creative/funny in a while. If you have any ideas to get my creative/witty juices flowing, let me know!
So, in contrast of the heavy stuff, I thought today I’d share with you something that I’m REALLY not good at. No, it’s nothing athletic, though I’m certainly not good at anything there (though in school I was always the best in the sit-ups, I’m not sure why).
No, I’m talking about how I’m really bad at appropriate verbal reactions.
I’m sure my mom taught me good manners growing up, but I must have been a bad learner. I’ve never been good at responding “you’re welcome” when someone thanks me. I’ve worked on it, but I’d say I’m still quite mediocre in this area. Another problem? I forget to say “excuse me” when I bump into someone, but settle for a “sorry” a few seconds later.
This was first brought to my attention when I was staying with a host family in Oklahoma for Girl Scouts when I was in middle school. I was holding open the door of their house (which incidentally was your standard glass business door, as their “house” was a converted church building) for others, and when they said “thank you” I said nothing. The host mom pulled me aside and chastised me for not saying “you’re welcome.” I knew it was rude not to say thank you, but I didn’t know it was rude not to say “you’re welcome!”
Since then, I’ve realized that that’s not the only thing I’m bad at. When someone asks me “How are you doing?” I often respond, “How are you?” instead of answering their question. I don’t go to a liturgical church, but there are a few phrases you’re expected to repeat upon occasion, such as “Come quickly, Lord Jesus.” Do I know this? Yes. Do I want to say this? YES! Do I respond? No, I don’t remember to respond until everyone else is done.
A third example, if need be, is the hearing problems that I’ve had since I was little. I do have problems, whether it be head or ear, but I’m almost certain it’s my head, since I could always pass the in depth hearing exams. I just think I have a hard time focusing on one noise (or voice) in the many. Side note, this is why I dislike talking on the phone, because there’s no visual for the audio. Frequently, I would say “what?” after someone would tell me something, because I wouldn’t interpret everything they had said until a few seconds later…but by the time they repeated themselves, I figured out what they had originally said.
I am curious what you think about the “you’re welcome” thing. Is it rude not to say it? What if you just nod your head in acknowledgement? (I’m a little quicker at this!)
June 4th, 2009 at 1:49 am
Please and thank you are the most important words. I think that You’re welcome is also a nice way of acknowledging the fact that someone has thanked you.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Why no! It’s not rude to not say “You’re Welcome” but I think it is friendlier when it IS used. You could just as easily smile an acknowledgment or nod. Rude is a bit extreme and I wonder if the mom that chastised you did so because it was more of a pet peeve for HER.
I would like to hug that little Girl Scout that got fussed at for no GOOD reason.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:32 am
I had horrible verbal reactions until I met Sam and his are impeccable. He taught me quick about please, thank you, and you’re welcome. I definitely think a “you’re welcome” is appropriate every time but maybe not in words necessarily. A nod, a smile, a “no problem”, or other non verbal cue I think is fine too. I don’t think I’d chastise someone about it, but I have to say that I do prompt Avery to say it. I prompt her to say excuse me too. That is a very big one in my book. As a matter of fact, I usually say, “Excuse me, I’m sorry” all in one! I’ve noticed something else that you do (not to chastise you). You talk to only one of a couple…at least with Sam and I you do. I was always taught that if there’s two people together (friends, husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend), you talk to them both even if the conversation isn’t about them both. Not a negative on you…just an observation ;-)
Hey, I’m loving the book by the way! Thank you again for lending it to me :-)
June 4th, 2009 at 8:55 am
I do think it’s nice to say it or some other equally approriate response (no problem, my pleasure, etc). Not being able to process the ‘thank you’ quickly though would make it difficult to know if a ‘your welcome’ was necessary. I do think manners are so overlooked today. It’s an important part of any society that wants to not only exist but percist and excell. We need to continue to set examples, like little seeds, so people around us still know what’s appropriate. Or something like that.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:19 am
@Jenn: Thanks for the validation! I thought it was really weird at the time, because I never really thought about “you’re welcome” before as a requirement, though I knew “thanks” was universally required. I do realize it’s more polite to use it, and so that’s why I’m (still) working on it.
@Elizabeth: I’d probably teach my kids to say it too (if I can remember to remind them, haha!). That’s interesting about the couple thing…you’re totally right. Maybe THAT’S why I prefer one-on-one conversations??? Thanks for the insight, I think you’re definitely on to something!
@Vicki: Yeah, I think it’s important to be a good example of good manners. I really do try to be welcoming, warm, and kind, but, like I said, this stuff doesn’t come easy to me.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Any self-respecting southern gal should know all her manners… and, saying, “You’re welcome,” is one of them ;-)
I’m all for, “Yes ma’am,” and “No, sir,” too.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:44 am
@Lynda: Well, in that case, I’m not saying them, because I DEFINITELY am not a southern gal…4 years in NC doesn’t change that fact!
I’m not a fan of the whole “Yes ma’am” thing, though I must admit I have enforced it at church with some of the kids I know that are taught that. I don’t know what I’ll teach my children though…there must be a way to show respect without using that horrid “ma’am” word!
June 4th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I don’t think I’m a good responder, either, since you’re bringing this up. I think it’s because I feel sheepish.
Like you, I’m not a good phone person. I need to see lips moving in order to fully understand someone. What does that mean?
June 4th, 2009 at 10:38 am
@Liz: Probably that we’re visual learners! (I know I am.)
June 4th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I definitely think you’re welcome is important to say but it is probably because I was taught to always say it when someone said thank you. If I didn’t, I would be called out and told to say “you’re welcome.” So I think it depends on how you were taught. If you were never taught to, then you would never know it was important to some people.
Twitter: TurtleMom23
Says:
June 4th, 2009 at 11:12 am
I think in basic conversation, we grow to expect things: after someone says ‘thank you’ a good comeback is ‘you’re welcome’.
Of course, I too, am a southern gal.
What drives me nuts (and some of you northern gals might be able to explain to me why it’s acceptable) is when people say ‘yup’ when you say ‘thank you’. In college, my roommate was from up north somewhere and when I’d say thank you it was always ‘yup’. Drove me nuts. It almost sounded as if, by saying that, that I should feel special that someone took the time to do something for me.
Even ‘no problem’ or ‘any time’ is a better response than ‘yup’.
Would some of you northern gals like to explain this?
Thank you ;)
June 4th, 2009 at 11:15 am
@Kristen: I don’t know what I was taught, exactly. Maybe I’ll have to ask my mom. I mean, I know I was taught please, thank you, and yes ma’am/sir.
@Iva: Okay, in times past, I’d probably would have been more likely to say “yup” than “you’re welcome,” though my standar response (when I do) is “no problem.” I don’t know why “yup” happened, I don’t even really like the “word.” Wow, I’ve used a lot of quotation marks!
Twitter: One_Mom
Says:
June 4th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Iva – other than a short stint in SC, I have always lived in the North. “Yup” is not a phrase we use. It must have been a local/regional response from wherever the person was from.
Ronnica – the phrase “you’re welcome” is not what’s important, it’s the acknowledgment that a person has spoken to you. Regarding the “how are you” interaction, I am reminded of a professor I had in college. He was an older man, of impeccable dress and manners. He was having minor hearing loss – mostly in areas of a lot of noise (such as hallways at a university), so whenever he would see someone he knew in the hallway, he would immediately say “Fine. And you?”. In his desire not to be rude, he would assume that the person he knew in the crowd had asked him “how are you” but that he just didn’t hear it.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:26 am
@OneMom: You’re probably right about the “yup” thing. That word bugs me, but I definitely used to use it some, and will on occasion now. Maybe I’ll have to start doing that (answering what I think they’re saying!).
June 4th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I’ve never thought of it as rude not to say it, although I like when people do. I tend to overly use the phrase “you’re welcome.” I work at a restaurant on weekends and every time someone says “thank you,” that’s how I reply. I easily find myself saying it five times at one table. Is it possible to be overly friendly that way? Ha.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I don’t have a problem with it.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
@MinD: At least it’s better than “sorry.” When I was growing up, there was a waitress that we called “Sorry” because she was always messing up our order, or it was slow, or whatever. We probably heard her say it 3x a visit…at least!
June 4th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I think it is okay to let a “thank you” slip once in a while, but I really do not like it when I, for instance, hold a door for someone and they totally don’t even thank me! I get so mad.
Also, I think the word “sorry” is overused. Don’t say it unless you really mean it!
June 4th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Thanks for the comment!
I like the idea of the complexion perfection too! I just made an order for it yesterday, I’ll be sure to do a review when I try it out!
June 4th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Hello Ronnica!
Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and commenting!
I love this post. I could have written it myself.
Dawn
June 4th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Hi Ronnica.. How are you?
June 4th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
I was raised to always say thank you. Sometimes I try to thank the person back instead of saying “you’re welcome”. I’ve had to work on that some:)
June 4th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
I’m probably over-polite, so yes, I thin it is rude. But I wouldn’t chastise anyone about it. I would feel bad if I didn’t do it though
June 4th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
It’s become just a habit to me. I just do it automatically now. Worked in the food service industry for a few years and now its ingrained into my head.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Yeah… I think a ‘you’re welcome’ is essential… at least in terms of acknowledging their gratitude. To not do so reduces their ‘thank you’ to an exercise.
I also say No Problem, My Pleasure, and even You Bet. (I grew up on the South Dakota boarder.)
My ex boyfriend had a problem with Thank you – in terms of receiving a compliment. He is convinced that by accepting the praise himself, he diminishes the fact that anything he does that is worthwhile is God’s doing. While that is a nice, noble idea… I think it is fine to accept the compliment – and then offer the compliment to the Lord. But to refuse the compliment is rude.
June 5th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
@Jacki: I definitely agree with the overuse of “sorry!”
@Kim: Good to know. It seems like if I was her daughter, that’d be one thing, but I was just some girl staying in her friend’s home for a few days.
@TRS: I try, I really do. I generally do sometihng, but it’s often inarticulate. Not that I grunt, or anything.
June 6th, 2009 at 1:13 am
This definitely made me chuckle. I don’t necessarily think not saying “you’re welcome” is rude. Depends on where you are living, too–some places don’t value manners as highly. I think sometimes a nod of acknowledgment is perfectly acceptable.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:42 am
@Katy: Yeah, manners definitely vary by region. But I guess I’m “stuck” in the South, so I have to live by their rules!