Man Up Already
Posted in Solo Historian and tagged with Boys, Dating, friends, men on July 6, 2009
It’s been a month, and I still feel fairly content in my singleness. Still working through all of the issues behind it (okay, I really always am), but I’m glad that I at least made it a month. It might only last a month and a day, but at least it did, right?
I was having a conversation the other day with another single friend (I’ll call her “Friend”), and we were talking about single guys and single girls we know. While there are more single girls in our church than guys, there still are single guys that for all we know have not pursued any of the many attractive, godly women that we know.
Friend made the statement, “If I was a guy, I’d be married by now.”
What she means is, that if she was a guy, she would have manned up and pursued a relationship. I know that many of my readers don’t have the same understanding on relationships, but for Friend and me, we want husbands that will take the lead. Don’t mistake me: we’re not talking husbands that will lord over us. (I realize that this is a big topic in and of itself, but I’m going to leave it at that, for now.)
If I or Friend were to pursue a relationship with any of these guys we know, we’re setting ourselves up for failure for the type of relationships we feel the Bible warrants and we desire. Doesn’t mean that I don’t have issues to clear up in order to not let my own cold shoulder or poisonous tongue to drive men to way though, it just means that I’m not going to follow the world’s advice and ask a guy I was interested in out, and I’m certainly wouldn’t be taking him home with me, either.
So, why have these men not done anything? Perhaps, they like being single (if I like it, they could too). Or maybe they have pursued someone(s) and been turned down, and that turns them off. Maybe they’re waiting to be financially stable or out of school (not necessarily bad, but we’re really not hung up on the guy not being able to bring money bags to the table to prove his worth…it’s enough to be a wise spender, be willing to work hard, and to rely on God for provision).
What do you think?
Photo by Riot Jane
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July 6th, 2009 at 3:26 am
I think men have it hard. I mean, I wouldn’t pursue just anyone, I’d be too afraid of rejection. And they go for it, time and time again. So yeah, I sympathize with them.
Maybe they’ll wake up and smell the coffee though? :)
July 6th, 2009 at 7:56 am
I’d say it sounds dishonoring to say that if a godly man is still single that he hasn’t “manned up” and pursued someone. I think some of the possibilities you’ve listed are good ones, and of course there are lots of other reasons.
I’m not trying to excuse those who are simply being lazy, fearful, or passive (I am of the opinion that passivity is part of the curse on the male half of our species). But to make any blanket statement that guys have it much easier seems to devalue the difficult responsibility that God has given your brothers to reject their natural, cursed nature of passivity and their own fears of rejection, and to courageously pursue that which they believe God has for them. I think it would be somewhat analogous to a man not appreciating the struggle that women have with control and submission, and saying that women should simply let men lead (as though it were that easy).
Also, I think that while a godly man might like more than one woman at a time, when he chooses to pursue someone, he’s committed himself to pursuing one person – and sometimes that process is difficult and takes time in prayer and careful study. I would hope godly women wouldn’t want to be chosen on a whim, or pursued based on superficial reasons. And this is not addressing those men who take way too long to decide for the appearance of godliness (I don’t buy into the “I must fast and pray for 3 months before I pursue this woman” thing).
I think I know you well enough to know that you don’t think of guys this way – and I agree with your analysis and conclusion. I simply want to submit to those who might find that statement to be true for them that perhaps life on the other side isn’t as easy as you would think.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Riley and I were just discussing this yesterday, actually: how “hard” men have it. If it’s hard for some women to start conversations or ask a man out on a date, imagine how hard it is for men who are “expected” to do the bulk of the grunt work in instigating relationships and their changes, such as asking someone out on a date, or asking a woman to marry them. That being said, I tend to be of the traditional camp as well. I can’t imagine asking a man out or proposing!
July 6th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Men are also incredibly thick. When I think back at some of the signals that single girls were sending me back when I was single I cringe. There were girls that I really – I mean really – liked, but I figured they’d never be interested in me. We’d spend time together and they be sending out HUGE signals which I just didn’t pick up at the time. (Just as well really, because I’ve been married to the world’s most amazing woman for the last 16 and a half years now. If I’d picked up on those signals I may never have met the true love of my life.)
So there it is. Women could walk around with giant placards, shouting, “I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH YOU”, and most of us guys would be thinking, “I wonder if she likes me”. Sorry, it’s how we’re wired. It’s a wonder any of us ever get married.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:21 am
@Sleepyjane: Agreed…for the ones that ARE going for it.
@K-Lai: “I would hope godly women wouldn’t want to be chosen on a whim, or pursued based on superficial reasons.” This made me think (well, your whole comment did, but this in particular). I wonder if there is a degree that we women don’t have to scrutinize the guys we like because we have time to analyze them later when it’s more than a hypothetical, while guys seem to do more of that up front.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:23 am
@Amanda: I suppose you’re right…that I have to cut the guys more slack. It just seems like it’s the easier role. It’s the whole grass is greener thing, I suppose.
@Rodney: Yeah, guys seem too have incredibly thick skulls on that matter. Except the guys I wouldn’t want; they seem to think every girl is flirting with them. I’m looking into buying one of those placards now…
July 6th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Maybe God hasn’t brought the right woman across their path? Maybe they are currently in a spiritual journey that doesn’t include trying to find a life-long help meet? Or maybe guys are just thick…
I don’t think guys have it easier than women – think about all the responsibility they take on when marry. That’s some pretty heavy stuff.
Personally, I wouldn’t want a man who wasn’t ready to take on that responsibility. As it was, I got married to the man beast extremely early and neither one of us knew that marriage was nothing like ‘playing house’. It’s been a long journey; one in which we’ve both grown up considerably to tackle.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:45 am
This is the kind of topic I would love discuss with you at Starbucks for hours over hot tea. :) I can philosophize round and round about men’s view of singleness, etc. So here are a few quick thoughts:
- Most men have a lot and I mean A LOT of fear. They are afraid of being rejected in the initial pursuit of even friendship. That is why a guy will say, “Maybe we should have lunch sometime… well, if you happen to be in the area, ha-ha, if you felt like it… choke.” And it’s tough for the girls too, because if we are interested, we don’t want to give the desperate single response, “Yes, I’m free. How about today? I’ll be there in 20 minutes!” And if we are not interested, then it is also tough. “Oh that would be fun sometime. I come in your area a lot with Sarah & Joy. Can they come too?”
- Then there is fear of making the wrong decision. “What if I want to spend my life with you, but I’m not certain of all that God wants me to do. If I marry you, it might prevent me from making a big cross country move to do something for God.”
- Then there is fear of getting hurt. The guy who says, “If I pursue you beyond an undefined but exclusive friendship, I might get hurt again. I’ve been hurt before and can’t handle another heartbreak.”
I have not been in many relationships, but I did deal with two guys that experienced great amounts of fear. What we must remember is that fear debilitates while faith motivates. Without taking a risk, a guy will never know the rewards of having an amazing woman by his side!
- I think another potential problem is the way girls over-analyze everything. A guy offers us a piece of gum, and we think for certain the next offer will be for our hand in marriage.
- I can’t say that I recommend the movie, but I did recently watch, “He’s Not That Into You.” It was interesting to see the dynamics. One of the big things communicated is that if a guy is interested in a girl, he will find a way to pursue her. He may not do it in the way or timing that we girls think he should. For example, we all love to talk about the single guy who is surrounded by great girls if he would only get up the nerve to pursue one of them. Maybe he just does not have the spark with those girls. Believe me when I say the spark is worth waiting for. Contrary to some popular ideas about chemistry, it cannot be learned. Wait for someone who lights up your world. *sorry for the mini-soapbox interlude about chemistry*
- The fear issues need to be overcome and guys do need to pursue. They often do need to overcome their insecurity about their self-worth, financial position, educational position, and fear of rejection, and just take a step of faith. Sometimes circumstances are signs of wisdom to point a guy to singleness, and other times circumstances are excuses.
July 6th, 2009 at 9:52 am
A lot of my friends are still single!! I think it is just really hard to find good guys these days!! My best friend always jokes around saying that she wants to clone my husband!! LOL!! I am very blessed to have such a loving husband!! Stopping by from sits!
July 6th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Don’t have much contact with single guys these days. I think that many young guys (and girls) want to have careers, travel, live life a little before settling down… I know I did! (Got married late on in life.)
July 6th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I think you are right on the money. You CANNOT change a man just because you have married him – a foolish endeavor. He needs to be a man of character and possess the qualities that you are looking for from the get-go.
The only thing that I would add is that there is NO perfect man for… well, anyone. There are flaws in everybody. It is just important to have compatible flaws :)
July 6th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I think that many men are simply selfish. There is one single man in particular at our church that I believe has not found a wife because of his selfish desire to stay single and “married” to his ministry. I know it sounds harsh, but many men, even godly ones, aren’t as prepared for the sacrifice of marriage or the joining of one flesh as many women are.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
As someone who will be married 20 year this November, I know one thing… no woman can penetrate the mind of a man – just as they cannot truly know the inner workings of ours… everything is what it is… we make choices, we choose to follow God’s path or another.. those that are single for reasons unknown to us have their own path they are blazing. Perhaps intersections will be crossed, but it happens when it happens. I think problems arise when we don’t follow the guideposts given to us, make our own crazy turns and maps. Stay the course – the intersection could be right in front of you.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I’m with you sister friend… here are my thoughts on the subject: http://singlesolitarythings.blogspot.com/2009/05/call-for-braver-men.html
AND – I just today, got an email from a guy I dated briefly, asking if I was still on the site where we met… I told him no because I don’t have the money to waste on a membership where all I get to do is watch the guys scratch their heads and never move beyond sending me smiley faces.
Meet me for crying out loud – if you find me attractive and interesting – it’s not a committment to meet me!!
His reply: As for the pokey-pants “men” out there – figure in their reluctance, they’re telling you everything you need to know about them. if they can’t emerge from their shells to have lunch with you, they aren’t worth meeting and you’d be wasting your time. I’ve heard from others as well that the C/M Sea is filled with them. I suspect that, for some anyway, if you were to coax them out a time or two, they’d figure it meant you were ready to marry
them – LOL! blessings
I agree with you and your friend. If I were a guy, I’d be married by now. Because I’m brave enough to ask someone out – rather than dawdling around and doing nothing.
I don’t think that’s derogatory to say… because I’ve been dating for 20 years now and can conclude that most men are clueless. But there is a good point in the fact that I am probably being saved from a life with someone who is wrong for me. Maybe there is a magic switch in their heads that gets them to act on pursuing the right woman.
July 6th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Ive seen alot of guys that seem that way and then poof one day when they are 40 they marry some girl they have been friends with for the past 10 yrs! :) My uncle is a tad over 40 and been engaged twice…. He likes to date , but doesnt date the kinda that want to marry. LOL….
July 6th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I have been out of the dating scene for (yikes!) 6 years now…but before I moved to DK and met Peter, I had the same problem. I knew several single guys in my church that I would have liked to have dated, but they just were not interested. I assumed that they were just intimidated by me. But I have noticed a trend, at least where we live, that people in general are waiting longer to get married. There isn’t such an emphasis on getting married, having children, buying a house, etc. by the time you are 30.
July 6th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Do most of these guys have their own apartments and jobs or do they live at home with their parents and enjoy their momma’s cooking?
I heard this Christian speaker recently on TV and he was poo-pooing this notion that men should wait until they are are all established and in their 30’s to get married. He complained that parents these days have raised a bunch of guys that like to sit in front of the TV playing video games instead of getting out there, finding Christian women and creating Christian families. That was his opinion. He felt like true manhood was not being encouraged in the Christian world and definitely in the culture. All the sudden in the last 20 years it has become normal for men to sit around acting like boys until they are 35+ years old.
July 6th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
1. the less you stress about them, the more they will be drawn to you like flies.
2. i agree with the male leadership thing. i believe thats how it was designed to be.. in a healthy way of course.
3. relationships are OVER RATED. but of course, you knew i’d make a comment like that
July 6th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
It must be hard for guys to ask girls out, sometimes a little nudge makes it easier. Not necessarily coming onto or asking them out, but more subtle signs that you’re interested: smiles, eye contact, etc. Being extra nice goes a long way. Perhaps it isn’t laziness, but shyness? I won’t try, couldn’t even if I wanted to, talk you out of your ideal man/relationship, but let me just say that in my experience, these sorts of things rarely go down as you expect or plan.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:02 am
wow. you’ve sparked quite the conversation-starter here. Well, i don’t know about anyone else, but for some reason I have noticed in a few of the states I’ve lived in, that at church there are always more single “godly” women than single “godly” men. Of course, I’ve only really noticed this in the 35 and under crowd, since that’s the age group I fit in. But part of me wonders if the whole “men maturing” later has something to do with this. i dont know. but I DO believe that it is ok to ask a guy out. I want to be married. I want to love and be loved. And I know what I want in a man. I figure I can pray… but that God also helps those who help themselves. For me, I view “helping myself” as becoming my best-self and in some cases, initiating a conversation with a guy and if he DOESNT get my hints (placard or not) then I will ask if he wants to go out sometime. I was a nervous wreck each time… but it does get easier…
July 7th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this discussion! I really think I must have the best readers…you’re so engaging!
@Iva: Yeah, it’s serious stuff…for both.
@Jenny: Other than Starbucks, that sounds good. We DO overanalyze things, don’t we? I’m not sure about the whoel chemistry thing…THAT’d be an interesting discussion to have.
@Crystal: They are hard to find, but they’re not extinct yet! Now I just sound like a hunter…
@Lady Fi: That’s true that many do. I didn’t, though I did. I’m ready to move on, but happy where I am, too.
@Jennifer: So true! I’m definitely not looking for the perfect man, but one who’s faults/quirks are ones I’m willing to handle. That said, it’d take quite the man to put up with mine!
@Elizabeth: I’m probably not as prepared as I think that I am…
@Lynda: “Stay the course – the intersection could be right in front of you.” I LOVE that.
@TRS: I do remember reading your post on the subject.
@Rachel: I do/don’t want that. While I would want to know him for a while before marriage (say a year before dating), I’d hate to think he was right there all along.
@Jacki: Yeah, I should factor in the intimidating factor. I really shouldn’t be, but I have a bit of a spiny exterior.
@Joy: Yes, the guys I know are grown-up and for the most part fully responsible adults. That is a problem though, with boys not being raised to become men.
@Blunt Delivery: I wouldn’t know (about relationships being overrated). I AM content by and large where I am, though.
@Cara: I know that if this happens, it will be in a way I wasn’t expecting it too. Things always do. I am working on being more friendly, especially if I’m potentially interested in a guy. Only makes sense.
Emma: Everywhere I’ve lived it’s been like that. I think that’s in part because we’ve feminized the church with emotional language and the like. I don’t by into the “God helps those who help themselves” argument, but I do believe in personal responsibility. God desires active waiting, not passive.
July 7th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Saw that you are involved in non profits so I thought you might be interested in learning about ours, Spirit Jump
Stopping by from SITS to say hi & invite u to our Jewelry Giveaway. We are a small charity made up of many men/women/kids who send cards to those battling cancer.
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Thanks!!
July 7th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Wow that is a deep topic. I don’t really know what to think about it. As far as relationships go, I really think that it has to come from both people equally. Initiative can come from either side nowadays and I am glad that I took the initiative to talk to my husband and tell him how I felt when we first met. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t know the amazing person that I am married to today. I think a lot of people are hesitant to pursue relationships because they’ve been hurt badly in the past or have seen others be hurt badly, but when it comes down to it, someone has to make the first move.
July 7th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
I think you should just keep putting the word out there that you’re single and looking, be open to guys you wouldn’t normally consider, and just have fun!
July 9th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I think, a bit offtopic here, no matter what there still has to be the loneliness factor. Of course a guy can hang with his best buds, but women offer that buddy factor, but more than that too- talking about dreams, futures, aspirations, etc.
I don’t know why guys don’t pursue more often. But I will say this, when discussing something with my husband I discovered men are like this: they pursue AND ONLY MOVE FORWARD if they know success will be achieved. I’ve taken note and I find this to be accurate. Accurate of ‘wholesome’ (not the best word, but you’ll understand) men who aren’t out to hook up with the next cute blonde/brunette.
At your church… have any of you considered a group date? All the single girls with all the single guys- no one paired up, simply a group date? Seriously.
July 11th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I understand your feelings. Really, I do. I was single (divorced) for over 20 years, knowing that I loved being married and that was my purpose in life. It was a struggle to be content in the ‘now’ that God gave me until I embraced it and gave it totally to Him to do with as He wanted.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
I know you probably won’t want to hear this, but it is better to be alone than with someone who isn’t the one.
It is hard to wait, but the best thing you can do is get happy with who and where you are in life- that attracts people to you, which will one way or another lead to the right person.
It is hard for guys sometimes, some are shy or whatever. Without asking them out specifically you can show your interest- hey I got a couple of tickets to whatever or a bunch of us were going to go out for coffee or I’m having a few people over would you like to come. Doing something like that lets them know you are interested and they can pursue it or not.
Just an idea. Hope you find the one sooner rather than later.
July 21st, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I didn’t read through all the responses (there are a lot, this must have hit a chord!) but I don’t think it’s a problem to pursue a guy. I don’t see anything in the Bible where it says “and the man will choose the woman and then they will leave their parents and cleave to each other and he will become the head of the household”. It is a fine and decent option to have, but if you are an outgoing person then why not pursue first? I definitely don’t mean go after any man in hopes that one will be the right one, but if you’re interested… Maybe it can be equated with the scenario where the man was on the roof during a flood asking the Lord to save him. A boat came by, a helicopter came by, etc and each time he turned down the help because God was going to save Him. I don’t know, but I’d say don’t rule it out.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
@Mrs. Mouthy: I’m just about to start up on my back-to-school ad campaign… ;) Seriously though, I’m definitely open to a lot at this point!
@Irish Coffeehouse: I do sometimes hang out with a larger group of singles.
@Dddiva: Oh definitely! I’m thankful for “missed” opportunities in the past. I won’t be the type (and I’m making my friends keep me accountable on this one) to marry a guy simply because he’s the only one I see. I don’t see any good coming from settling. I do try to be open. Sometime this fall I hope to co-host a gathering of other singles with a friend!
@Vicki: I don’t buy into the fact that a girl has to agree to the choosing, but I already struggle with not dominating relationships, if I were to pursue that would make it all the harder!