Venting
Posted in The Historical Faith on July 15, 2009
Today I want to talk about venting. And I’m not talking about air ducts. Or, for that matter, ducks.
I hear it all the time.
“I just had to vent.”
“I’m not trying to talk bad about Suzie, but I just had to vent.”
“Thanks for listening to my venting.”
“I’ll forgive her, but right now I need to vent.”
First off, what exactly are we talking about? Merriam-Webster says that venting is “to relieve oneself by venting something (as anger)”–gotta love it when they use the word in the definition. Usually, when we talk about venting, we’re talking about speaking out-loud the thoughts and emotions that are in our head with little thought of self-monitoring and often done out of anger or frustration. And while I might not use the word “venting” I do it sometimes, too.
My question is, is this sinful?
While I’m not ready to declare every instance of what could be called venting sin, I think in most cases it is sin, or at least marred with sin.
Here’s what could make venting sin:
- When you are speaking out of concern for yourself and not others.
- When we malign another’s character.
- When your thoughts and speech express sinful anger (I’m leaving the discussion of what kind and to what degree anger is sin to a later day and/or to those more competent than me).
So, what’s the solution?
I think there’s basically two options available:
- Go to God, seeking forgiveness for any sin on your part, and seeking wisdom and grace to handle the frustrating situation/person. If the problem is small enough that you can move on, then do so. If it’s larger, the answer is not in going to another, but to go to the other person involved and graciously seek full reconciliation.
- Go to the person privately, lovingly expressing your grievances. Works best if you’ve already done the previous step. If it’s a matter of sin and they blow it off, only then is it appropriate to bring in another person to confront them.
If you know me, you might be thinking, “That’s easy enough for you to say…but you’re not an oral processor!” That’s right (the oral processing part, not the easy part). HOWEVER, there might still be a place to turn to an friend when you’re struggling.
Here’s how that might look:
-You turn to a spiritually mature friend or mentor for help thinking rightly through a situation. In some cases, it might best for it be an unaffiliated friend.
-You either disguise the persons identity (“I’m struggling with dealing with a friend because she ‘jokingly’ called me a fat cow”) or play down their sin (“Karla said something hurtful to me the other day, and I’m having a hard time getting over it.”).
-You willingly acknowledge your own sin nature plays a role in the situation, and are willing to focus on removing the plank in your eye and not the speck in the other person’s.
Hopefully, the mature friend will be able to help you work through the situation and will lovingly confront you for your own sin if the situation warrants it. The point of bringing them in is not to feel good because you’ve gotten even by dragging someone’s name through the mud but to have help thinking biblically through the situation.
These are my initial thoughts on the subject, and no doubt need some tweaking. I’d love to hear what you have to say!
Photo by Jason Cartwright
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July 15th, 2009 at 2:16 am
This is a wonderful post and so insightful.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:35 am
one huge danger that I see is that “venting” often times/most times turns into gossip. i hate gossip. and the bad thing about gossip is it is easy to get sucked into… ugh. but i don’t think Christ would want us sitting around speaking ill of our brothers/sisters. too much time on our hands if we enough time for that. I find that when I am in a group, and someone starts to “vent” tht I often stick up for the underdog. I make it a point, actually. and now, people don’t come to me to vent anymore. i have been the target of vent-sessions too. but, it honestly didn’t bother me. I guess this is why i choose to blog. i do vent viw the blog. but i don’t use real names and i am still selective about what it being said. but even then, i probably need to use better judgment at times. great topic… thanks for getting me thinking… (beats thinking about chocolate ;) )… hehehe
July 15th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Very wise words… I think when we “vent” – its usually in a way that has so much emotion behind it, we dont stop & think about what we’re doing… & that goes back to where the Bible tells us to take every thought captive… so this is very eye opening! Good job!
July 15th, 2009 at 9:19 am
You would think that I would know better by now that to expect something light and fluffy on your sight, Ronnica.
I love that you continually surprise me with your insights and messages that keep me thinking for days.
Thank you.
-Francesca
July 15th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I agree – often ‘venting’ turns into ‘gossiping’. The ideal scenario is to approach your offender (in private) and a have a heart to heart. If you’re too angry to approach the person respectfully, turning your eyes upwards is the best thing to do. You could go to a spiritually mature Christian, but even the most of mature of Christian is still human, and therefore, fallible. God is your much better choice.
Good stuff, Ronnica.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Awesome post! I use my blog to vent from time to time but only after I’ve shared my feelings with the other person. It really annoys me when someone is bothered by something and “vent” without expressing their feelings to the person(s) that is(are) bothering them. A lot of venting would not be necessary if things were just talked out.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
interesting post. as a non-christian, i don’t believe in sin. now, that’s not to say i don’t have a sense of moral right or wrong.. it just means i don’t call that “sin” and i think it’s a silly concept to guilt people. but just my opinion.. and it’s all rhetoric. :) as far as “venting”, i think there are probably unhealthy ways to vent as well as healthy ways. what you are describing as sin is probably an example of unhealthy ways to vent. but there are healthy ways!! sometimes, when i need to just vent, i go for a long run and just meditate on these thoughts/feelings/anger. or, i punch a punching bag. things like that to ‘vent’ off my energy.
and yeah, it’s annoying when the dictionary uses the word in the definition. i see that all the time!
July 15th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
This post makes me say, “Hmmm…” Lots to think about. Lots to change.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Wow, I never thought about it that way before. I always try not to vent because I feel extremely guilty later on and I don’t like to talk badly about others. I try to channel my anger and energy in other ways like cleaning or starting a new task. If I do vent at all, I never do it on an open forum or to a coworker, stranger or someone I don’t know that well. I always vent to my very close friends and my husband. Not that it makes it okay, but at least it’s better than the alternative. Great post.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Proverbs 29:11 is all I’m going to say. ;)
July 18th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Interesting post! It’s not a sin to have feelings. It’s what we do with those feelings that can be sinful.
Everybody needs to vent and I think it’s ok to vent so that we don’t blow up from holding it all in
BUT you need a trusted friend who recognizes it for what it is and forgets what s/he actually hears. Or an empty house is good since the walls can’t talk!
July 20th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Interesting perspective. I don’t believe in sin, either but I do think there is hurtful venting and beneficial venting- one is malicious in intent, the other just getting it out of our system so it doesn’t build up and cause us to become malicious.
August 6th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
I think that the main problem with venting is that it often is more about making the vent-er feel better but nothing really gets accomplished. I agree that it can easily be turned into gossip, which again leads to nothing being accomplished.
I know some people who will rip another person apart verbally and then finish it off with, “Well I was just venting” or “I was just saying how I feel” and so much damage has been done to the other person that the ‘venting’ was surely wrong because of how it hurt the person.
I think that if you can’t vent without being respectful then the things are better left unsaid. The Bible says to cast all of your cares on God and I think that going to him is the best way to deal with negative emotions. He is the one who can truly help us work through our feelings. After that is the time to try to resolve the issue with the person we feel the need to vent about or to talk to a respected friend for advice on how to talk to the person you have an issue with.
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August 6th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Stacy: Very true. While there are times when we need to discuss a matter involving someone else, we can do so in a way that is respectful to them and is earnestly seeking help, not just to emotionally spew.