In a depraved world, there’s all kinds of things that could make me sad. Lately, one that has stood out to me over and over again is the ugliness of divorce.
While I do believe that the Bible allows for divorce in certain cases (a subject for another post), there is something incredibly wrong with our society when divorce is not only common, but often encouraged when either party as warrant to feel wronged or unhappy.
As an unintentionally single woman*, I can’t really speak to how to make a marriage last. When I get married, I know it won’t be as easy as it seems on this side of the altar (not that I think it’ll be easy).
Lord willing, I’ll have a loving church family to walk beside me and show me how to be a loving, faithful wife. I know I’ll need it.
But what can someone in my place do now to help keep myself from a failed marriage? Here are some ideas I’ve gathered from more people and books than I could possibly list:
1. Know that love is a choice. While it’s also a feeling, deciding to marry someone is choosing to love them even if/when the feeling leaves.
2. Don’t expect him to be perfect.
3. If you get together while he’s married to someone else, how can you accept his commitment to love you forever?
4. Know him before he’s pursuing you so that you’ll have a better idea of his true character (not just his wooing-character).
5. Focus first on seeking repentance and forgiveness for your own sin before pointing out his (Matthew 7:3-5).
6. Learn to be submissive to the authorities in your life now (parents (if applicable), pastors, bosses, and God).
7. Develop a servant’s heart, eyes, and hands; desiring, looking for, and acting on opportunities to serve others.
I know this list is far from complete…what do you think I should add? I’m especially looking from help from those of you who are or have been married!
*Phrase comes from Connally Gilliam’s book Revelations of a Single Woman
Photo by Donna62
Those are good. I think in society today that committment and vows really mean nothing anymore. They say till death do we part but in reality they mean, “till someone else catches my eye” or “until this lust feeling goes away due to real-life issues & stress” or “until these fun butterflies in my stomach don’t happen when I see you.”
It’s VERY important for both parties to have committment. Even when stuff is hard, when one is being a butthead, when you disagree on big things…you just commit to work through it no matter what.
I’ve been married for 19 years and I got married when I was 17 yrs old. Marriages starting that young don’t usually last but if two people decide that they are sticking it out no matter what, having an eye single towards God …then it can and will last.
Also, someone at church made a good point once. There isn’t that “one” person meant for you. Any Two people who love the Lord and love eachother can work…if THEY work AT it.
I think there a lot of good points here even without the ones that are religious in nature. I am not religious but I don’t think we should need religion to be a pro-marriage society (if that makes sense).
Something else you can do while single is begin to think about men’s needs and how they think and relate to the world. Men are so incredibly different from women and I think women get hurt, offended, and angry by things that men do not simply because men think differently than women. It’s better to understand men as well as possible from the get go than to be hurt and possibly have conflict over it. If you understand where they are and how they are you can more easily forgive and show grace without any conflicts or confrontations! Trust me, this is a HUGE thing in our marriage…just learning to “get” one another.
My parents divorced when I was in high school. So there are lessons I learned and apply to my own marriage. One, communication is key. I feel that way about any relationship–work, friend, spouse. But it means so much in a marriage. Two, as a Christian woman, you know you are going to need to submit to your husband no matter who he is. So choose a spouse you know you could easily submit to. In other words, it is a hard task for a woman to do anyway based on our sin nature…so choose someone you trust to make wise decisions and who respects your thoughts and feelings. And three, take yourself out of the equation. How much tension we could have avoided if I had just chosen to back off and not make it so much about ME.
I think people are either marrying each other too fast, or not marrying for the right reasons. A feel like marriage is a life long commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Your list is spot on. Those are things people should be considering.
I just celebrated my 6 month wedding anniversary last week :-)
RhondaLue: I’ve heard that as well, but I hope to find a man that will be a decent match so that it is easier (not easy, though!) to be married.
Cole: I respect someone who is pro-marriage even if they are not a follower of Christ. That said, I think that those who believe and follow the Bible have an easier time defending their pro-marriage stand (and are aware of the spiritual resources they can use to maintain/improve their marriage).
Liz: I’ve been learning a bit about that…and that’s something that I want to research more. I spend enough time around men (and around boys who will be men some day) that I want to learn how I can encourage/support them. Also future training for marriage, but it’d be useful now, as well.
Cheryl: I’m learning the communication thing through friendship…I can imagine how much harder it’d be in marriage! I know that I struggle with submission, being your average independent woman. I don’t plan on accepting a husband lightly…if I doubt MY ability to submit to him before marriage, it’d be that much harder when the feelings go away after marriage.
LaNeshe: Congrats on your 6 months! I really do think that people THINK they’re committing for life when they get married (at least most of the time) but they don’t recognize how much their fleeting feelings are influencing their decision.
Thanks for your comment and prayers on my entry. It means a lot to me.
This is such a great post. So many young people nowadays do not realize what marriage really is. I wish that they really had to listen to all of these things because I feel that relationships would be a lot better off.
Popped in to say hi! There’s a lot of married people who need to print out your list and read it….Great refresher as to what’s really important.
I think this is a great list, particularly the getting to know him or her before entering the dating stage. My partner and I met five years ago, and I know that our years of friendship were crucial to the strong foundation and clear communication we value so much in our relationship. She and I respect, trust, and care for each other more than I have ever experienced, and were we legally permitted to marry, I know she is the only one I’d ever care to commit to for forever.
Love your list. I know that an honest, sincere person like you is bound to find success in this venue. Speaking as one who’s been at it for 31 years, I don’t really know how marriage “works,” but it does…for us, at least!
This is a really great list! Especially number 1, I think it is in its rightful place. Our culture today does not teach us that love is a choice, but if you want a marriage that is forever it is a choice you must keep making every day. I think the only thing that I wish I had learned earlier, so as to prevent hours of ridiculous fighting is – have a sense of humor. Especially about yourself. Since we are both imperfect, we are going to make each other mad and we can either escalate the situation or diffuse it.
I think a marriage works better if both partners are equals.. one doesn’t have to be submissive to the other.
Kirsten and Lady Fi: I think marriage works best the way the designer designed it…but thank you for sharing your views!
Erin: I think that that’s great advice…I’m going to keep that in mind!
as someone who has been married 16 years I just wanted to confirm that it is, in fact, not always easy!
Ronnica, you’re on the right track. It helps to think about these things like you are.
1) Another great thing is to give in and not feel the need to be right all the time (not that you do). Be forgiving before trying to be vindicated and that will save a lot of strife.
2) Don’t talk badly about your spouse around others.
3) Don’t criticize your spouse to his face. Go straight to God.
4) Say yes unless there’s a reason to say no.
5) Marriage is not 50/50; it’s 100/100!
Vicki: I do feel like I have to be right all the time…it’s something I’m working on in ALL of my relationships! Like the idea about saying yes, as well.
I think the biggest advice I could give – coming from a marriage that failed – is, if you are having feelings of doubt before the wedding, either call it off or at least postpone it. God gives you those feelings for a reason, and in my case, I ignored them. I reasoned that the wedding was only weeks away and that I would be inconveniencing so many people if I called it off. Now that we are going through a divorce I most definitely wish I would have listened to my heart at the time.
Also, do NOT marry someone who is not on the same page with you spiritually. Think about this: if you have a child with this person and then you pass away when the child is still young, do you trust your spouse to raise the child in the Faith as you would have? If you can’t answer that question with 100% certainty – that your spouse would raise your child in the Faith – then that person is not the spouse God intended for you.
Allison: That’s some great advice. When in doubt, the answer is no. I know it’s easy to be caught up in “love” when you’re in a relationship, but I’m committing now to seek the counsel of my elders to help me see what I’m blind to.
Speaking of all Christians in relation to each other, Ephesians 5:21 tells us to “submit to each other in reverence for Christ”. Verse 22 (“Wives submit to your husbands”) is just one of many statements about marriage, and I think it should be read in the context of the other teachings, such as “love one another”, and “submit to one another”. I think this should also be on the lists of your male counterparts! :)
I think two of the most important things in marriage are extending love (active love, rather than the emotion) and grace to each other. I think grace is something we can work on at any stage, but would be helpful preparation in advance of marriage too, so that it springs to mind more readily in marriage at crucial moments.
My final top tip for marriage is Date Your Spouse! It can be easy to forget to do this when you are finally living in the same house, but it’s very important to continue to take time just for each other. It is part of continuing to actively love each other.
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