Dear Mikey the Spider,
I know you’ll never read this. Not only are you not human, you’ve probably never learned to read. After all, the bathroom isn’t particularly the most literate of rooms to reside in. Even if you had, you’re now dead, I fear.
I must apologize to you, but I know that if I were ever in the same situation again, I would do the same thing all over again. It’s just who I am.
When I saw that you had returned after several months absence, I welcomed you back. I liked the comfort of having you hanging out up in the corner, always watching me. The regularity of always seeing you helped make my apartment home. I thank you for that.
But you crossed the line. Maybe you thought that my acceptance of you and our friendship was greater than they really were. I have boundaries. I can talk to you from the distance of four feet while you’re on the ceiling above a corner where I never am, but it’s another thing entirely for you to take up residence in my shower. I can’t have that. I actually have to go into the shower and prefer to do it alone.
I guess I never got over my fear of spiders. Next to snakes, you are my least favorite of God’s creatures, I must admit. We could never have been close yet you asserted yourself as if you belonged there right beside me.
So though I don’t regret it, I apologize for drowning you. You hung on tightly, but at last you gave in. You must have realized that you set yourself up for this by being in the line of fire of the showerhead. Even if I hadn’t intended this end, it probably would have come about anyway at the next morning’s shower.
If somehow you survived your swim, please tell your other spider buddies where the line is so they don’t cross it. I don’t mind a harmless spider in the corner, but no insect or spider of any kind will ever be allowed in my shower.
Ever Your Friend,
P.S. Don’t think I didn’t realize the irony of placing this letter on the World Wide Web while you’ll never again be able to have a web of any size of your own. I’m sorry if the means of this letter hurts you as much as the content.