Category Archives: Funny Historian

5 Funniest Moments

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Welcome to the Ignorant Historian! If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

I'm sticking my tongue out like the snake. I remember doing it every time we saw this snake at the zoo.

Not only were there serious moments in the last 5 years, but there were some funny ones as well.

Here are 5 of my favorites…

1. When toilet stall selection became one of the most discussed post on my blog. Definitely didn’t see it making the big time…

2. When my then roommate, current roommate, and I found $110 in a bush. Still a topic of lively discussion. You bet I looked in that bush every time I walked by it…not so much as a penny.

3. When I saw a man blowing bubbles in traffic. I still don’t get it.

4. When the boy I babysit yelled, “It ate its butt!” throughout the neighborhood.

5. All my crazy dreams, including the one that got me interviewed for the Washington Post.

Overall, I’m very happy with what’s happened in the last 5 years. I still enjoy blogging and look forward to seeing where I go in the next 5 years.

Babypoony, Letter Elections and Other Searches

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For my 1100th post (so not as cool as my last mile marker, huh?), why not look at what searches have lead to this blog?  My roommate told me that this was her favorite part of my blog (though I hope she was joking).  Gotta love that the part that requires nothing from me is the most popular.

Let’s delve into the searches that have brought people to this blog:

what your toilet says about you

I sure hope mine hasn’t been talking…

happy birthday ignorant worm song

I don’t know that song.  I’m curious, though.

1985 day dresses

Let it be noted that this is a Bing search. The supposed better search engine definitely got this one all wrong.

when should you fly the confederate flag

How about never?  On my New Year’s trip to Georgia, Florida, and back, I saw several along the highway.  Just don’t get what people are thinking.

“I want a wedding but” don’t want to get married

The quotes on this one puzzle me.  If I had to choose between the two, I’d rather be married than have a wedding.

my new haircut july 2010

The funny thing about this is that I neither had a haircut in July nor had one since. Soon, though!

babypoony

No words.

sockless blogs

I do blog sockless most of the time (though I have socks on today, under my boots).

good says of the historian

I’d like to think that you could find many good says on my blog.

newly elected letters

Who gets to vote them in?  And can we vote some out of office?  I’d love to get rid of Q quite quickly. Not to mention x.

Annoying Immigrants

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Several times lately my commute to work has been hampered, thanks to immigrants hanging out in the road.

I didn’t stop and ask them, but you can just tell they snuck over the border illegally.

I don’t know what they’re thinking.  I mean, I know they’re coming here for a better life, but I don’t think that the better life is found on the side of the road (or worse, in it).  My tax dollars pay for those roads, is it too much to expect to be able to use them?  What have they done to help this country?

Oh, well, I guess I just have to deal with them.  All attempts at communication have been met with blank stares and unintelligible bellowing.

Oh yeah, did I mention I’m talking about Canada geese?

*Obviously, this photo was not taking here in Raleigh, NC.  It’s dangerous to try to take a picture and drive (especially with geese in the road)!  They do like to hang out on the exit ramp I take for work.

*Xenophobia is no joke.  I hope no one was offended by this post.

Photo by Fujin

Fairy Thoughts and Leftywater

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It’s that time again…time to see what people search to find this blog!  Here goes:

taco bell sauce recipe

Not sure how that ended up here. I don’t even eat at Taco Bell (never been a fan of fast food Mexican).  Certainly have no desire to duplicate it.  I hope my food tastes better than that.

a little bit quady, orange tx

No words.

fairy thoughts

I’ve never met a fairy, so I don’t know what they think.

Why would a christian guy not pursue a girl he likes

I would like to know the answer to this one!

“new haircut” easier

The easiest way to get a new haircut is to pull out a pair of scissors and start chopping away.  Don’t know that that is the best way, though.

leftywater

Water is made up of one oxygen atoms and two hydrogen atoms, no matter your handedness.

happy birthday ignorant worm song

You want to wish an ignorant worm “happy birthday”?  How do you distinguish between learned worm and an ignorant one?

Ronnica Dull

Thanks…I’d like to think that I was at least a *little* bit entertaining, at least in the train-wreck sorta way.

Searching for Lady Ignorant

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Just a handful of searches that lead to this very blog:

“obsessed with my past wedding”

I can’t help but think that that’s not healthy for a marriage.  Unless you’re Miss Havisham, and then well, it’s just not healthy, period.

“lipsmaker ingredients”
Crack?

“Lord Ignorant”
I prefer to be called “Lady Ignorant,” thankyouverymuch.

“quotes on dealing with ignorant females”

Sure WOMEN can be ignorant just like men, but at least we don’t call you all “males.”

“why my sil will be sleeping hard”
Amanda, care to chime in on this one?

I love my teaching profession
As opposed to a teaching hobby, I suppose. (Wait, I DO have a teaching hobby.)

lunch detention for tardies worksheet
Don’t be a tardy!

“wedding uno”
But it takes dos to wed, and THEN you’re uno. (Dare you to yell out “Uno!” at the next wedding you attend.)

“easter r dress”
Ummm…

“how to grow gernamiums”
I hear they respond better when you get their name right.

“edward is”
“Stalkerish,” “creepy,” and “not hot” would all fit that blank.

Bing search: “major points for pro-choice”
For all their hullabaloo about being the better search engine, they certainly got this one wrong.

Dear Toothpaste Tube

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toothpaste_tubeDear Toothpaste Tube,

I’m sorry that I have not been fair to you over the last few months.  To be completely honest, you’re not my first.  This twice-daily relationship we’ve had has been sweet, but it’s nothing new to me.

Nor is it forever.  You might have noticed, but you don’t have much to offer me anymore.  Soon, I’ll be finding another, younger, flashier toothpaste tube.  I’m sorry if this is hurtful to hear, but I just want to be completely honest with you.

And that gets me back to the original reason to write this letter to you.  I feel guilty and must confess that I’ve not treated you like I’ve treated the toothpaste tubes before you.  I’m afraid that I’ve hurt you by treating you so carelessly.  In the past I’ve been a strict toothpaste tube roller.  It’s efficient and neat, after all.

But I’ve not given you that courtesy.  Instead, my actions have left you an utter mess.  I have made you look like a worthless piece of trash, albeit unconsciously.  And for that, I’m very sorry.

I promise to treat the new toothpaste tube with the care and respect that you  deserved.

A newly-recommitted toothpaste tube roller,

Ronnica

The Rules of Sprinkles

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Recently I’ve seen some pretty flagrant disregard for the unwritten (why would I need to write them?) rules of sprinkles. Since you seem to need reminding, here are the rules (I see I need to write them after all).

1. Sprinkles on donuts should always be fun-colored: red, blue, white, green, yellow, and orange. Fall-colored sprinkles aren’t appropriate for a morning treat. Fall-colors are not fun and festive, they are somber and introspective. This is not a good mood for the waking-up, driving-in-traffic hours. If you have so many fall-colored sprinkles around, make leaf-shaped cookies.
2. Unless on holiday cookies, sprinkles should always be thin and long. Ball sprinkles are only acceptable for cookies for holidays such as Christmas and Valentine’s Day. If then. Let’s face it: ball sprinkles are rather shady.
3. Cute shape sprinkles are fine, but only during those times directly around the holiday/event for which they were shaped.
4. Sprinkles on cupcakes are great, but only on top of an inch of frosting. Sprinkles should never be a substitute for frosting.
Am I missing any other rules of sprinkles? Have I made myself clear?
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I’m thankful that I have enough food to be picky about what I eat. When I think about people who are starving it really puts my own pickiness in proper perspective.

Dear Philosopher, Part 2

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Dear Philosopher,

I’m rather mad at you that you never replied to my letter. Sure, I asked some tough questions, but you have been thinking them over for 5 1/2 months now. What kind of turn-around is that? If you worked at McDonald’s, you would have been fired months ago!

Regardless, I’m giving you a second try. Maybe this time you could reply in a more timely manner. Of course, adding to your work load may just increase the wait time, but once you’ve waited 5 months, it’s all the same.

So here are my questions for you:

How can some doughnuts not be round with holes? Isn’t a doughnut called a dough-NUT because it’s shaped like a nut?

Why do words look funny the more times you write them?

Why do we have to send our City of Raleigh water bill payment to Charlotte? Does Raleigh not have offices in their own city?

Why do we call children born out of wedlock illegitimate? Are they any less children just because of the situation they were born in? Are they somehow fake?

I would appreciate a prompt reply to these questions. Thank you.

Waiting,

Ronnica

Dear Google Searchers

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Dear Google Searchers,

I’m glad that Google directed you to my site. Unfortunately, I think many of you might have been disappointed in that you didn’t find what you were looking for.

Here are a few of the things you were searching for:

The greatest number of you searched for “woo me.” When I add in the significant number of searches for “clandestine love affair,” I realize that you get what you blog about.

For the person that searched for “I’m still learning…” I hope you realized that I still am too.

For the person who was searching about how to blow a bubble in silly putty, I would check out your local community college. They seem to have a class in everything.

I don’t know what to say to the person who got here via a search for “family tree connecting pillars of the earth and world w.” I’m just not sure I know what you were wanting. I’m pretty sure that means that you didn’t find it here.

Google sure thinks that I’m an interesting character. At least that’s what you found out, searcher for “unusual things about Kansas.” I try not to take it to personally.

But then Google also directed you, searcher for “Kansas hick,” to my site. Ouch. I never really thought of myself as a hick, but I have to accept it since Google gave me that label.

But Google redeemed itself by also sending a searcher for “Kansas treasures” to my site. That’s more like what I want to hear!

Laughing,

Ronnica

Dear Mikey the Spider

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Dear Mikey the Spider,

I know you’ll never read this. Not only are you not human, you’ve probably never learned to read. After all, the bathroom isn’t particularly the most literate of rooms to reside in. Even if you had, you’re now dead, I fear.

I must apologize to you, but I know that if I were ever in the same situation again, I would do the same thing all over again. It’s just who I am.

When I saw that you had returned after several months absence, I welcomed you back. I liked the comfort of having you hanging out up in the corner, always watching me. The regularity of always seeing you helped make my apartment home. I thank you for that.

But you crossed the line. Maybe you thought that my acceptance of you and our friendship was greater than they really were. I have boundaries. I can talk to you from the distance of four feet while you’re on the ceiling above a corner where I never am, but it’s another thing entirely for you to take up residence in my shower. I can’t have that. I actually have to go into the shower and prefer to do it alone.

I guess I never got over my fear of spiders. Next to snakes, you are my least favorite of God’s creatures, I must admit. We could never have been close yet you asserted yourself as if you belonged there right beside me.

So though I don’t regret it, I apologize for drowning you. You hung on tightly, but at last you gave in. You must have realized that you set yourself up for this by being in the line of fire of the showerhead. Even if I hadn’t intended this end, it probably would have come about anyway at the next morning’s shower.

If somehow you survived your swim, please tell your other spider buddies where the line is so they don’t cross it. I don’t mind a harmless spider in the corner, but no insect or spider of any kind will ever be allowed in my shower.

Ever Your Friend,

Ronnica

P.S. Don’t think I didn’t realize the irony of placing this letter on the World Wide Web while you’ll never again be able to have a web of any size of your own. I’m sorry if the means of this letter hurts you as much as the content.