Ignorant Historian

Thanks to Jen for basically writing the last couple of paragraphs of this post. It’s humbling (and ironic) to not even know how to finish my thoughts on this subject.

I’m a woman of control.

Or at least that’s what I want.

My problem (okay, one of them) is that I think I know best.  About everything.  Not only do I think I know what’s best for those around me, I think I know what’s best for me, too.  Always have, just ask my mom.

The thing is, I don’t.  I might be blessed with worldly smarts, but I’m still sorely lacking in true wisdom.  As we’ve been walking through Solomon’s life in my kindergarten Sunday school class, we’ve been talking a lot about wisdom.  I think the best way to learn a concept is to have to try to explain it to a 5-year-old…there are so many concepts I can’t quite get across to them (glory, the Trinity).  If you ask them, I hope they can tell you that we’ve talked about how wisdom is knowing what is right and good.

The older I get (and in theory, the wiser I get), the more I realize that I’m like a 3 on a scale of 100 of possible human wisdom.  At most.

Last week I realized that I’m okay with my singleness as long as I in my earthly “wisdom” can decipher out a way out.  And as far as singleness goes, the way I want out is a man, a plan, and a ring by spring…or at least by next spring.

Hmm, that doesn’t sound like contentment to me.

Just shows me that I still demand control of my own life, my own future.  That I prefer my plans to whatever God has in store for me, as foolish as that is.  I know that God knows what’s best for me (He knows me better than myself!), but somehow I can’t get that to truly stick in my daydreaming head.

It’s times like this that I have to remind myself that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that the very hairs on my head are numbered (Matthew 10:30)–gray or not–and that before one day of my life came to pass, God ordained each of them (Psalm 139:16).  How foolish I am to think that I would know more than Him!  How can I know myself better than the one who knit me in my mother’s womb (v. 13)?

Moment by moment, I must make the choice to trust Him in His infinite wisdom.  I give Him the reigns one night, only to rip them back from him minutes, or at most, hours later.  It is only when I trust Him that I can truly find contentment.

God, help me remember that.

Photo by Drunken Monkey

I’m a dreamer.  I mean, I know some of you who are longtime readers of the Ignorant Historian know that I’m such a famous dreamer that I’ve been featured in The Washington Post.  Or perhaps that’s not quite how it went down.  Things get fuzzy in my old age.

As often as I have crazy adventure dreams at night (and that is every night these days), I’m even more of a daydreamer.  I’m constantly imagining things in my head: what I’ll do once I’ve reached my emergency savings goal, what I’d do if I was famous, and every step of completely-unrealized relationships from “Wanna go to dinner?” to “I do” (including how I’d tell you about him).  Actually, that last one is a recurring theme in my life.

The problem is, these daydreams are entirely unhelpful.  While these aren’t bad dreams (okay, except the famous one) they aren’t the kinds of dreams that God has for me.  I know that, but this quote still hit home:

“Though we may not be aware of it, we are often at odds with our wise and loving Lord.  The change he is working on is not the change we dream about.” – How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp, p. 33

If I could change one thing in my life, it would be to trade in my singleness.  But I don’t think that’s high on God’s to-do list in my life.  I’m hoping that He wants me married, too, but He’s much more concerned with my righteousness.  He wants to root out out the sinful actions in my life and the sinful desires that lead me there.

May God help me make His desire, my desire.

Photo by Denis Collette

Of all the people we’re introduced to in the Bible, the one I most relate to is Hannah.  In my recent struggles for contentment in God, I turned once again to the familiar passage of 1 Samuel 1-2.

Hannah is a woman who knew unmet longings.  Just like my desire for a husband is good and natural, her desire for a child is good and natural.  She wanted to be a mother: something that as a woman, God designed her to do.

One thing that always stands out to me about this passage is Hannah’s emotions are spelled out for us.  Hannah calls her childless state an “affliction” (v. 11).  It wouldn’t be hard to imagine what a woman longing for a child might be feeling, but the Bible makes it clear:

“…her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her…” (v. 6, ESV)

“…Hannah wept and would not eat.” (v. 7)

Hannah’s husband: “Why is your heart sad?” ( v. 8 )

“I am a woman troubled in spirit.” (v. 15)

“…my great anxiety and vexation.” (v. 16)

Clearly, having a son was not a passing fancy for Hannah, any more than my desire for a husband is a fleeting thought in my life.  In fact, I just noticed for the first time that in verse 7 it gives us a bit of time reference for the events: “So it went on year by year.”  Year after year!  While we don’t know how many years, I’m sure it was quite a few or it wouldn’t state it like that.  During this time, not only did Hannah remain childless, she was being provoked by her fertile counterpart, likely daily coming into contact with her and her growing family.  Her childlessness is being rubbed in her face (something that I’m thankful not to have experienced).

The thing is, though Hannah was missing something that she rightfully desired, she was also blessed.  She had a husband who loved her and was well cared for (let’s leave out the bigamy as a topic for another day).  Compared to many who suffered in Israel, she had it made.  I can say the same for myself: I have been overwhelming blessed in almost every way.  Except for a companion in life, what more do I lack?  But like Hannah, what I lack seems to eclipse all the many blessings.

What I love so much about this little vignette is Hannah’s response to her unmet desire.  She offered herself to the Lord, emotions and all.  Though her desires were a mix of sinful and godly (as mine are…I love that the Bible doesn’t gloss over it’s hero’s–and heroine’s–sins), she brought them before God.  My favorite verse in this passage is verse 10:

“She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly.”

Now this I can definitely relate to.  The good, the bad, and the ugly, all wrapped up together in one sticky mess.  She took her unmet longings and all the emotions tied up with them to the One who could fix them–and her.

And the Lord answered her prayers.  I love the language the Bible uses to describe the conception of Samuel: “…and the LORD remembered her” (v. 19).  When (Lord willing!) I’m pregnant with my first child, I think that’s how I’d tell my husband, “The Lord remembered me.”

Of course, this was likely not the first time that she prayed to God.  No doubt, this was a familiar scene for Hannah, offering up her desire for a child again.  But in His timing, God answered.  This gives me hope–not a promise, but hope–that God will answer my prayers for a husband.

And until that time, I will wait, continually giving up my desires to the One who can fulfill them and use them to mold me.

Though I can hardly believe it’s that time again, Valentine’s Day is this weekend. Usually I’m more excited about it, but between the weddings and tax season I haven’t had a lot of time to think about it.

I know a lot of singles like to mope on this day. While that might sadly be me on other occasions, I have always enjoyed Valentine’s Day.  What’s not to love about a day full of chocolate, pink, flowers, and cards?  I love to use this time to show love for others: my family, my friends, and in particular, fellow single ladies.

Though I haven’t yet gotten into this season, I do hope to spend an extra few minutes loving others, and I hope you will to.  Have a great weekend!

I’m tired of going to bed alone.

I don’t mean that in a sexual sense, just that singleness seems synonymous with loneliness the most at bedtime.  I can fill the rest of my life with fulfilling relationships, but this is one area where that just won’t do.

The other night was one of those nights where I just can’t get myself to go to bed because it’s hard to remove all the distractions I use to keep from remembering I’m alone.  These nights aren’t that frequent, but when they happen, they’re overwhelming.

But Saturday I found hope in this:  These nights are numbered.  Of course, I’d like to think that they’re numbered because I’ll soon have a partner in life, but even if that’s not true (or never will be true), they are still numbered as my days on this earth are thankfully numbered.  One day, God will save me from this world (via His returning or my death) and there will be no more lonely nights, no more tears.

“And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” – Revelation 21:4, NASU

If you are a follower of Christ, you have the same hope.  Whatever misery you know or trial you are facing, these days are numbered.  That’s not the only hope…we also know that God will give us the grace to handle whatever situation we find ourselves in.  But sometimes, knowing that this too shall pass is a greater comfort.

If you’re not a believer in Jesus Christ, you are right to be hopeless.  I don’t mean that there isn’t any hope–God has/is offering you the same hope in Jesus Christ–but if you refuse this hope, life really is hopeless.

These nights will continue to be hard, but I’ll take heart in remembering that they are numbered.

Photo by Gord McKenna

For obvious reasons, I’ve been thinking about weddings a lot.  Not about my own dream wedding, but about making that type of commitment to one man, for the rest of my life.

A former roommate (and current blog reader), Cindy, would have phrase she’d say when she’d come home from yet another of her friends’ weddings.  “The cheese stands alone.”  You know, from “Farmer in the Dell?”  Everyone else gets picked, but the cheese stands alone.

As much as there is  joy and happiness in seeing a good friend get married, there is some loneliness in being left behind.  We’re social creatures, and I believe that we’re designed for marriage.  That desire within me is good and right…as long as marriage stays in its place, not taking the throne of my heart.

I often say that I’m okay with being single, as long as I’m not the only one.  When I take the time to count my blessings instead of crying over my losses, I do realize that I have a sweet life now.  Many of my favorite things about my life would be changed if I were no longer single.  It seems like I have to remind myself over and over to enjoy them now while I have them.

But yet part of me worries about being the last one married (or never married at all).  What if all my friends get married?  They all want to be married, so of course I want that for them as well.  But selfishly, I want at least a couple of them to stay unmarried at least for as long as I am.

As my roommate rode with me on our way back from Georgia and heard me tell the story of what Cindy would say.  Her response?

“The cheeseS stand alone.”

Indeed.  Why do I worry about the possibility of being the only one of my friends still single?  That’s not where God has me yet, and may never have me.  And if that’s where He wants me, He’ll give me the grace to endure it.

So maybe the cheese doesn’t stand alone after all.

Photo by orangeacid

I wrote this post last week, and it’s not really where I’m at right now.  I had a wonderful time with my ABF class at church on Saturday which was exactly what I needed.  Still, I wanted to share what I’ve been through because I know there are others who are still there or will be there.

In the past week or so, I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness.  Not only is there the usual ache of walking alone on a path built for two, but there has been added emphasis on how alone I truly am through several unrelated incidents.

Perhaps it’s silly, but hearing from others about their loneliness makes me lonely.  Perhaps it’s what happens when you’re truly sharing one another’s burdens, you feel what they feel.  I’m glad to do it for friends, old or new.

Another thing that can (and has) made me lonely is to know that a crush won’t work out.  Not that I necessarily assume it will, but hopes disappointed always hurt, don’t they?

Then there’s the disappointments that can come from friendships.  Being sinful creatures, we’re bound to let each other down, aren’t we?

So, I just wanted to share that I’ve been lonely.  I know that I’m not the only one, so perhaps hearing my story will help someone else feel less lonely.  There is comfort in the loneliness, and for that I’m incredibly grateful.  I have friends and family who love me through this time.  But most of all, though, the comfort comes in the fact that this world won’t last forever.

And I can’t wait until the next.

Photo by JuriaYoshikawa

My journal entry, dated October 30, 2009

Last night in the midst of one of my typical adventure dreams (in this one I was a part of a group being held hostage) there was a tender moment (can a fake moment be tender?) that sticks with me.

In the midst of the hostage situation, I had my head on a man’s shoulder as we played with each other’s hands.  It was something so small, but that’s the desire of my heart…to simply be with someone, even if it’s in the midst of a crazy situation (though preferably not that crazy situation).

I long for that day when there’ll be someone there, all the while knowing that day may never come.  Yet I hope in God, trusting His judgment on the matter to be better than my own, asking Him to remove selfish ambitions from my heart.  Not that it’s not right and good for me to desire a husband–it is–but it’s not right for me to desire it more than I desire God Himself, more than I desire to follow Him.

So as I continue in this adventurous time in my life, I lean on Him, trusting Him to be enough.

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O LORD of hosts,
How blessed is the man who trusts in You.”

- Psalm 84:11-12

Photo by photosan0

I think that most everything we do is to be done in balance.  I’m always trying to walk the fence between legalism and lawlessness, work and rest, trusting in God’s sovereignty and taking responsibility for my part in the world.

As a single girl (I should probably say “lady” or “woman” but I like “girl” better),  one such area of balance is in the pursuit (sorta) of a husband.

On one hand, I want to do everything I can do get him.  I’d love to pursue the man I’m interested in whole-heartedly.  If I thought it’d work, I’d reveal my interest to him and ask him what he wanted to do about it.

But on the other hand (cue the Randy Travis song in my head), I want to do absolutely nothing.  Instead, I want to trust completely in God’s sovereignty, leaving no room for my work.  If God has a husband for me, He’s perfectly capable of bringing Him into my life, creating interest in me, all at the proper time.

But really, my position lies somewhere in the middle.  I want both, cake and all (actually this whole not-a-diet diet thing has cut out my interest in cake…but not ice cream).  I want to reveal my interest (or at least my opennness) to him, opening the door for him to pursue me.  I also want to trust in God’s sovereignty, knowing that missed chances don’t mean that I’m missing out on the life I’m supposed to have.  Though it’s a topic for another day, I don’t believe in “The One.”

I definitely have fallen pretty far on both sides of the fence I’m walking…but I’ll keep on.

Photo by fotographix

It’s been a month, and I still feel fairly content in my singleness. Still working through all of the issues behind it (okay, I really always am), but I’m glad that I at least made it a month.  It might only last a month and a day, but at least it did, right?

I was having a conversation the other day with another single friend (I’ll call her “Friend”), and we were talking about single guys and single girls we know.  While there are more single girls in our church than guys, there still are single guys that for all we know have not pursued any of the many attractive, godly women that we know.

Friend made the statement, “If I was a guy, I’d be married by now.”

What she means is, that if she was a guy, she would have manned up and pursued a relationship.  I know that many of my readers don’t have the same understanding on relationships, but for Friend and me, we want husbands that will take the lead.  Don’t mistake me: we’re not talking husbands that will lord over us. (I realize that this is a big topic in and of itself, but I’m going to leave it at that, for now.)

If I or Friend were to pursue a relationship with any of these guys we know, we’re setting ourselves up for failure for the type of relationships we feel the Bible warrants and we desire.  Doesn’t mean that I don’t have issues to clear up in order to not let my own cold shoulder or poisonous tongue to drive men to way though, it just means that I’m not going to follow the world’s advice and ask a guy I was interested in out, and I’m certainly wouldn’t be taking him home with me, either.

So, why have these men not done anything?  Perhaps, they like being single (if I like it, they could too).  Or maybe they have pursued someone(s) and been turned down, and that turns them off.  Maybe they’re waiting to be financially stable or out of school (not necessarily bad, but we’re really not hung up on the guy not being able to bring money bags to the table to prove his worth…it’s enough to be a wise spender, be willing to work hard, and to rely on God for provision).

What do you think?

Photo by Riot Jane