A Lonely Life

Posted on November 23, 2009 by Ronnica

girl_alone

I wrote this post last week, and it’s not really where I’m at right now. I had a wonderful time with my ABF class at church on Saturday which was exactly what I needed. Still, I wanted to share what I’ve been through because I know there are others who are still there or will be there.

In the past week or so, I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Not only is there the usual ache of walking alone on a path built for two, but there has been added emphasis on how alone I truly am through several unrelated incidents.

Perhaps it’s silly, but hearing from others about their loneliness makes me lonely. Perhaps it’s what happens when you’re truly sharing one another’s burdens, you feel what they feel. I’m glad to do it for friends, old or new.

Another thing that can (and has) made me lonely is to know that a crush won’t work out. Not that I necessarily assume it will, but hopes disappointed always hurt, don’t they?

Then there’s the disappointments that can come from friendships. Being sinful creatures, we’re bound to let each other down, aren’t we?

So, I just wanted to share that I’ve been lonely. I know that I’m not the only one, so perhaps hearing my story will help someone else feel less lonely. There is comfort in the loneliness, and for that I’m incredibly grateful. I have friends and family who love me through this time. But most of all, though, the comfort comes in the fact that this world won’t last forever.

And I can’t wait until the next.

Photo by JuriaYoshikawa

Diary of a Single Woman, Volume 1

Posted on November 3, 2009 by Ronnica

My journal entry, dated October 30, 2009

diary Last night in the midst of one of my typical adventure dreams (in this one I was a part of a group being held hostage) there was a tender moment (can a fake moment be tender?) that sticks with me.

In the midst of the hostage situation, I had my head on a man’s shoulder as we played with each other’s hands. It was something so small, but that’s the desire of my heart…to simply be with someone, even if it’s in the midst of a crazy situation (though preferably not that crazy situation).

I long for that day when there’ll be someone there, all the while knowing that day may never come. Yet I hope in God, trusting His judgment on the matter to be better than my own, asking Him to remove selfish ambitions from my heart. Not that it’s not right and good for me to desire a husband–it is–but it’s not right for me to desire it more than I desire God Himself, more than I desire to follow Him.

So as I continue in this adventurous time in my life, I lean on Him, trusting Him to be enough.

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O LORD of hosts,
How blessed is the man who trusts in You.”

- Psalm 84:11-12

Photo by photosan0

Balance

Posted on September 9, 2009 by Ronnica

bride and groom I think that most everything we do is to be done in balance. I’m always trying to walk the fence between legalism and lawlessness, work and rest, trusting in God’s sovereignty and taking responsibility for my part in the world.

As a single girl (I should probably say “lady” or “woman” but I like “girl” better), one such area of balance is in the pursuit (sorta) of a husband.

On one hand, I want to do everything I can do get him. I’d love to pursue the man I’m interested in whole-heartedly. If I thought it’d work, I’d reveal my interest to him and ask him what he wanted to do about it.

But on the other hand (cue the Randy Travis song in my head), I want to do absolutely nothing. Instead, I want to trust completely in God’s sovereignty, leaving no room for my work. If God has a husband for me, He’s perfectly capable of bringing Him into my life, creating interest in me, all at the proper time.

But really, my position lies somewhere in the middle. I want both, cake and all (actually this whole not-a-diet diet thing has cut out my interest in cake…but not ice cream). I want to reveal my interest (or at least my opennness) to him, opening the door for him to pursue me. I also want to trust in God’s sovereignty, knowing that missed chances don’t mean that I’m missing out on the life I’m supposed to have. Though it’s a topic for another day, I don’t believe in “The One.”

I definitely have fallen pretty far on both sides of the fence I’m walking…but I’ll keep on.

Photo by fotographix

Man Up Already

Posted on July 6, 2009 by Ronnica

girl on swing It’s been a month, and I still feel fairly content in my singleness. Still working through all of the issues behind it (okay, I really always am), but I’m glad that I at least made it a month. It might only last a month and a day, but at least it did, right?

I was having a conversation the other day with another single friend (I’ll call her “Friend”), and we were talking about single guys and single girls we know. While there are more single girls in our church than guys, there still are single guys that for all we know have not pursued any of the many attractive, godly women that we know.

Friend made the statement, “If I was a guy, I’d be married by now.”

What she means is, that if she was a guy, she would have manned up and pursued a relationship. I know that many of my readers don’t have the same understanding on relationships, but for Friend and me, we want husbands that will take the lead. Don’t mistake me: we’re not talking husbands that will lord over us. (I realize that this is a big topic in and of itself, but I’m going to leave it at that, for now.)

If I or Friend were to pursue a relationship with any of these guys we know, we’re setting ourselves up for failure for the type of relationships we feel the Bible warrants and we desire. Doesn’t mean that I don’t have issues to clear up in order to not let my own cold shoulder or poisonous tongue to drive men to way though, it just means that I’m not going to follow the world’s advice and ask a guy I was interested in out, and I’m certainly wouldn’t be taking him home with me, either.

So, why have these men not done anything? Perhaps, they like being single (if I like it, they could too). Or maybe they have pursued someone(s) and been turned down, and that turns them off. Maybe they’re waiting to be financially stable or out of school (not necessarily bad, but we’re really not hung up on the guy not being able to bring money bags to the table to prove his worth…it’s enough to be a wise spender, be willing to work hard, and to rely on God for provision).

What do you think?

Photo by Riot Jane

Does Our Culture Idolize Single Mothers?

Posted on June 17, 2009 by Ronnica

First of all, to all my single mother friends: Hi! This post is not meant in way to detract from your experiences or to vilify you in anyway. This is not intended to be a slight on any one of you in particular or all of you in general. That said, I’d love your take on this subject, as you obviously see it from a different angle!

While I might use a question in a title rhetorically, in this case I’m not. This is honestly the question I’ve been mulling over the last few days. In light of the imminent nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court, I’ve heard some talk about how she is the product of a single-parent home, and how that’s a boost to single mothers everywhere. I remember some of the same type of talk about President Obama as well.

Stories about single mothers are often told in a sympathetic way, and I agree with that. Being a single mother can’t be easy, and mothering is one of the greatest responsiblities there is.

However, are we discounting how someone became a single mother? In some cases, the mother holds no blame (e.g., widowhood), while others the father has sole responsibility (e.g. leaving the mother of his child, or she leaves an abusive situation). Yet, I imagine, in a large number of cases, the mother herself is the cause, in part or in whole, of her situation. I don’t believe that this gives us reason to put them down or castigate them–after all, I don’t want someone else flinging my own sins back up into my face–but it is something to consider when pondering this question.

So, what do you think? Does our culture unduly idolize single mothers?

Greener Grass Right Here

Posted on June 1, 2009 by Ronnica

grass-toes Don’t look now, but I think I want to be single.

I feel like I talk my singleness to death on this here ole blog, but it’s something that I deal with on a daily basis, so I guess it’s something you, dear reader, have to hear about. The tenor of these blog posts on my marital status tends to be: “I wish I was dating/married/a mother, but I want to be content where I am.” Rest assured, this post won’t be anything of the sort.

Just last week I was contemplating my life. Not the how-do-I-live-moment-to-moment or even the do-I-have-a-purpose type of contemplation, but the I-want-to-live-this-day-over-and-over-again kind of contemplation. I like singleness: the flexibility, the alone time, the choosing what I want to eat and when, the extra time I get to dedicate to my favorite pastimes.

If I marry and/or have kids, these things will necessarily change.

I’m not saying that my motives are all right in this (I’m working on that one), but there’s some good in it. First of all, I’m spending more time dwelling on the life God has given me than on the life that I want. Secondly, one of the major motivations for remaining single is that I have more time/energy/resources to minister to others in and out of the church. I could still do this if I was married, but a greater part of those resources would have to be spent on my family.

Of course, most of this is feeling-based, and as we all know, feelings change (over and over again). While I was to the point of tears only a few weeks ago with an extreme desire for a husband and children, now I’m reveling it up in my current life. If I were to remain single the rest of my life, I’d want my feelings to stay as they are, but I doubt that’s going to happen. Actually, I know that’s not going to happen, because I’m still not immune to crushes.

Watch out, I think I might be seeing some green grass growing in between my toes.

Photo by *sean

The Seats Now Filled

Posted on May 20, 2009 by Ronnica

Empty chairs Some time back, I told you about a Puritan prayer that I’ve been memorizing. Well, I’m still working on memorizing it, as it’s something I work on while I’m brushing my teeth (but only in the evening…I don’t have enough brain cells running in the morning for such an activity). There’s one phrase in that prayer that’s bugged me for a while:

“I thank thee for…the seats now filled that might have been vacant”

I guess what bugs me about this phrase is that all the seats in my proverbial home are vacant. There’s no husband in sight and certainly no kids (not even a screaming baby).

Yet, as I continue to reflect on this prayer each night, I’ve come to recognize that many of the seats in my life have been filled. There’s my family, though far away, I am thankful to have good relationships with. There’s my roommate and our semi-nightly walks and talks that I enjoy. There’s my care group at church, who I miss if I don’t see them any given week.

And yes, there are children in my life: all those I am blessed to teach and lead on a weekly basis at church, but that’s not all. There are also a couple special ones, who, though not my own, I claim: Ladybug and all her 8yo wisdom, curiosity, and love, and “Lana” and all her 13yo silliness, competitiveness, and grown-up struggles.

So instead of mourning the loss pronounced by those vacant seats, I choose to be thankful for the seats that are now filled.

Photo by twoblueday

What Not to Say to a Single Woman

Posted on November 13, 2008 by Ronnica

FYI: This post isn’t written specifically to anyone. It’s just something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time and wanted to get out there.

For the most part, I enjoy being single. Of course there’s an ache inside for a husband and kids, but I truly seek to be content exactly where I am. But there are a couple of things that I find particularly annoying about being single. The first one is having to go to parties and events alone. I really have to push myself to go to things if I don’t know that I have a close friend that will be there.

The other thing that I find annoying is when people tell me,

“I know he’s out there.”

“Keep waiting; he’ll come.”

“I just know that God has someone special lined up for you.”

or even

“If you just stop wanting to get married and just live life, he’ll pop right in your life.”

Really, I’ve tried that last one (as have many of my friends), and it’s not a magical formula.

I’m not saying that I won’t get married. I’m still young; I get that. Even if I wasn’t, God could bring someone into my life. I’m totally willing and doing whatever it is in my power to prepare myself for marriage and not hinder any potential relationship.

It’s just that I don’t know that I’ll get married. I also don’t know that I won’t. And unless God has told you something about me that He hasn’t even told me, you don’t know that either.

So please don’t tell me or any other single women you know/meet that you know that we’ll get married. I know you mean well when you say it, but it’s really not helpful. When I hear things like that, it tempts me to take my mind off God (Colossians 3:1-3) to give myself a pity party.

Here’s something a married friend said that carries the same sentiment that WAS helpful:

“I also know that you are awaiting the man (if he is there) that the Lord has in mind for you, but I can only suggest that you continue to rest and enjoy the freedom and time you have by yourself.”

That’s exactly what I needed to hear then, and that’s exactly what I need to hear now.

———————————————————————————-

I’m thankful for the freedom I have to choose what I want to do and eat and how I live my life. Truly I am.

Dear Unnamed

Posted on September 18, 2008 by Ronnica

Dear Unnamed,

I don’t know what to say to you. I know you’d probably prefer a funny letter, but my thoughts are so complicated when it comes to you. You’ve had my heart on and off again for a good part of my adult life, and I hate that. I’m kinda like Kat in 10 Things I Hate About You, “But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.”

The problem is that my heart says “yes” while my brain says “no.” More recently, my brain has been winning. Whether this is temporary or a true sign of moving on, I don’t know. Sometimes when I see you I’m okay with just being friends, while at other times, the understanding look in your eyes and the gentle touch of your fingers on my shoulder just do me in. The crazy thing is I never know how I’m going to react until our eyes meet again.

I want to say that I’m moving on for good. I don’t really think you and I have a future yet I know that if you were to change your mind I might change mine. In this way I’m like Fanny in Mansfield Park when she answers Edmond that yes, her heart has changed, many times. Or maybe I’m like Elfride in A Pair of Blue Eyes who has changed her mind so many times, that she decides to simply let the horse dictate whether she should runaway with her lover or not. Sometimes I wish we still had horses. If I tried doing that with my car, I’d likely end up killed.

So why I can’t honestly say good-bye and “See you never!” to my feelings for you, I do think that I can honestly say that I’m seeking God in who He would have me marry (if He would have me marry) rather than try to force something with you where it doesn’t work. So, here’s a “good-bye” and a “wish you well,” because I truly do. I hope that God will lead the just right lady into your life.

Without a horse,

Ronnica

Dear Heart

Posted on April 9, 2008 by Ronnica

Dear Heart,

You and I go way back, but I just have a few questions for you. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve written such a personal letter in such a public place, but maybe you’ll appreciate the sentiments more if I declare them this way.

Why do you leap inside of me when a boy talks to me? Why will the littlest thing set you aflutter? There is no reason to think that his “hi” is more than a “hi” or that his smile is meant especially for me. But you don’t do a lot of rational thinking, do you?

Why do you think things should go just as you dreamed? Why can you take one little thing and project it ten years down the road? Why do I allow you to carry me away? I can’t know the future and certainly can’t make others follow the plans you’re set on, heart.

I know I’m a woman and with that comes a tendency to be emotional and relational. That’s okay. It’s how God made me. I shouldn’t hate myself for it, but that doesn’t mean that I should always follow your emotional lead.

“I will give thanks to You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.” – Psalm 139:14 (NASU)

Heart, you don’t have to be ruled by emotions. Emotions don’t have to be king. They easily take the throne and make themselves at home, but there is a greater King who deserves that seat. He alone should be ruler of my heart and the object of my greatest desires.

Be still my heart. It’s not all about you.

Affectionately,