Ignorant Historian

Thanks to Jen for basically writing the last couple of paragraphs of this post. It’s humbling (and ironic) to not even know how to finish my thoughts on this subject.

I’m a woman of control.

Or at least that’s what I want.

My problem (okay, one of them) is that I think I know best.  About everything.  Not only do I think I know what’s best for those around me, I think I know what’s best for me, too.  Always have, just ask my mom.

The thing is, I don’t.  I might be blessed with worldly smarts, but I’m still sorely lacking in true wisdom.  As we’ve been walking through Solomon’s life in my kindergarten Sunday school class, we’ve been talking a lot about wisdom.  I think the best way to learn a concept is to have to try to explain it to a 5-year-old…there are so many concepts I can’t quite get across to them (glory, the Trinity).  If you ask them, I hope they can tell you that we’ve talked about how wisdom is knowing what is right and good.

The older I get (and in theory, the wiser I get), the more I realize that I’m like a 3 on a scale of 100 of possible human wisdom.  At most.

Last week I realized that I’m okay with my singleness as long as I in my earthly “wisdom” can decipher out a way out.  And as far as singleness goes, the way I want out is a man, a plan, and a ring by spring…or at least by next spring.

Hmm, that doesn’t sound like contentment to me.

Just shows me that I still demand control of my own life, my own future.  That I prefer my plans to whatever God has in store for me, as foolish as that is.  I know that God knows what’s best for me (He knows me better than myself!), but somehow I can’t get that to truly stick in my daydreaming head.

It’s times like this that I have to remind myself that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that the very hairs on my head are numbered (Matthew 10:30)–gray or not–and that before one day of my life came to pass, God ordained each of them (Psalm 139:16).  How foolish I am to think that I would know more than Him!  How can I know myself better than the one who knit me in my mother’s womb (v. 13)?

Moment by moment, I must make the choice to trust Him in His infinite wisdom.  I give Him the reigns one night, only to rip them back from him minutes, or at most, hours later.  It is only when I trust Him that I can truly find contentment.

God, help me remember that.

Photo by Drunken Monkey

I’m a dreamer.  I mean, I know some of you who are longtime readers of the Ignorant Historian know that I’m such a famous dreamer that I’ve been featured in The Washington Post.  Or perhaps that’s not quite how it went down.  Things get fuzzy in my old age.

As often as I have crazy adventure dreams at night (and that is every night these days), I’m even more of a daydreamer.  I’m constantly imagining things in my head: what I’ll do once I’ve reached my emergency savings goal, what I’d do if I was famous, and every step of completely-unrealized relationships from “Wanna go to dinner?” to “I do” (including how I’d tell you about him).  Actually, that last one is a recurring theme in my life.

The problem is, these daydreams are entirely unhelpful.  While these aren’t bad dreams (okay, except the famous one) they aren’t the kinds of dreams that God has for me.  I know that, but this quote still hit home:

“Though we may not be aware of it, we are often at odds with our wise and loving Lord.  The change he is working on is not the change we dream about.” – How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp, p. 33

If I could change one thing in my life, it would be to trade in my singleness.  But I don’t think that’s high on God’s to-do list in my life.  I’m hoping that He wants me married, too, but He’s much more concerned with my righteousness.  He wants to root out out the sinful actions in my life and the sinful desires that lead me there.

May God help me make His desire, my desire.

Photo by Denis Collette

Of all the people we’re introduced to in the Bible, the one I most relate to is Hannah.  In my recent struggles for contentment in God, I turned once again to the familiar passage of 1 Samuel 1-2.

Hannah is a woman who knew unmet longings.  Just like my desire for a husband is good and natural, her desire for a child is good and natural.  She wanted to be a mother: something that as a woman, God designed her to do.

One thing that always stands out to me about this passage is Hannah’s emotions are spelled out for us.  Hannah calls her childless state an “affliction” (v. 11).  It wouldn’t be hard to imagine what a woman longing for a child might be feeling, but the Bible makes it clear:

“…her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her…” (v. 6, ESV)

“…Hannah wept and would not eat.” (v. 7)

Hannah’s husband: “Why is your heart sad?” ( v. 8 )

“I am a woman troubled in spirit.” (v. 15)

“…my great anxiety and vexation.” (v. 16)

Clearly, having a son was not a passing fancy for Hannah, any more than my desire for a husband is a fleeting thought in my life.  In fact, I just noticed for the first time that in verse 7 it gives us a bit of time reference for the events: “So it went on year by year.”  Year after year!  While we don’t know how many years, I’m sure it was quite a few or it wouldn’t state it like that.  During this time, not only did Hannah remain childless, she was being provoked by her fertile counterpart, likely daily coming into contact with her and her growing family.  Her childlessness is being rubbed in her face (something that I’m thankful not to have experienced).

The thing is, though Hannah was missing something that she rightfully desired, she was also blessed.  She had a husband who loved her and was well cared for (let’s leave out the bigamy as a topic for another day).  Compared to many who suffered in Israel, she had it made.  I can say the same for myself: I have been overwhelming blessed in almost every way.  Except for a companion in life, what more do I lack?  But like Hannah, what I lack seems to eclipse all the many blessings.

What I love so much about this little vignette is Hannah’s response to her unmet desire.  She offered herself to the Lord, emotions and all.  Though her desires were a mix of sinful and godly (as mine are…I love that the Bible doesn’t gloss over it’s hero’s–and heroine’s–sins), she brought them before God.  My favorite verse in this passage is verse 10:

“She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly.”

Now this I can definitely relate to.  The good, the bad, and the ugly, all wrapped up together in one sticky mess.  She took her unmet longings and all the emotions tied up with them to the One who could fix them–and her.

And the Lord answered her prayers.  I love the language the Bible uses to describe the conception of Samuel: “…and the LORD remembered her” (v. 19).  When (Lord willing!) I’m pregnant with my first child, I think that’s how I’d tell my husband, “The Lord remembered me.”

Of course, this was likely not the first time that she prayed to God.  No doubt, this was a familiar scene for Hannah, offering up her desire for a child again.  But in His timing, God answered.  This gives me hope–not a promise, but hope–that God will answer my prayers for a husband.

And until that time, I will wait, continually giving up my desires to the One who can fulfill them and use them to mold me.

One of my favorite things about reading books and watching movies is analyzing the worldview presented (yes, I’m one of those people).  Most are easily placed in their time period based on this alone (though I always cheat and look at the publication date because it helps to interpret what the author/director is saying).

And increasingly I’ve noticed books and movies point to the fact that our culture idolizes happiness.  Elizabeth Gilbert admits as much in Committed that she forsook her first wedding vows simply because she was unhappy.  And most people would not fault her for it.

But God would.  I don’t mean to bash Elizabeth Gilbert; God is the judge and she has obviously not the only one at fault for our happiness idol.  In fact, I’m more than willing to admit that I fall on the “guilty” side in this matter: way too often my decisions (both immediate and long-term: what to do next, what to eat, where to live, etc.) are ruled by what I want simply because it’s what I want.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying we should don hairshirts or polar bear swim in the Atlantic.  The answer is not to avoid happiness and pleasure as has been a historical Christian misinterpretation.  Rather, the answer is to put happiness in it’s place.

Happiness is good and a blessing.  But it’s not more important than loving God and loving others.

Thanks for reading this…I know that I needed this reminder once again.

Photo by CarbonNYC

I’m tired of going to bed alone.

I don’t mean that in a sexual sense, just that singleness seems synonymous with loneliness the most at bedtime.  I can fill the rest of my life with fulfilling relationships, but this is one area where that just won’t do.

The other night was one of those nights where I just can’t get myself to go to bed because it’s hard to remove all the distractions I use to keep from remembering I’m alone.  These nights aren’t that frequent, but when they happen, they’re overwhelming.

But Saturday I found hope in this:  These nights are numbered.  Of course, I’d like to think that they’re numbered because I’ll soon have a partner in life, but even if that’s not true (or never will be true), they are still numbered as my days on this earth are thankfully numbered.  One day, God will save me from this world (via His returning or my death) and there will be no more lonely nights, no more tears.

“And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” – Revelation 21:4, NASU

If you are a follower of Christ, you have the same hope.  Whatever misery you know or trial you are facing, these days are numbered.  That’s not the only hope…we also know that God will give us the grace to handle whatever situation we find ourselves in.  But sometimes, knowing that this too shall pass is a greater comfort.

If you’re not a believer in Jesus Christ, you are right to be hopeless.  I don’t mean that there isn’t any hope–God has/is offering you the same hope in Jesus Christ–but if you refuse this hope, life really is hopeless.

These nights will continue to be hard, but I’ll take heart in remembering that they are numbered.

Photo by Gord McKenna

Christmas is filled with fun times with the friends you care the most about.

This is not Christmas.

Christmas is cozing up with your family by the fire.

This is not Christmas.

Christmas is finally being free of the bonds of schoolwork.

This is not Christmas.

Christmas is a home decorated in tinsel and green.

This is not Christmas.

Christmas is a mailbox full of Christmas cards.

This is not Christmas.

Christmas is the celebration of God humbling himself, taking on the flesh of sinful man, being born a baby.  The greatest gift I could ask for on this or any holiday.  The incarnation that made our salvation possible.

Indeed, this is Christmas.

Photo by funkyshapes

I thank God He’s given me food on my table in abundance.

I thank God that He’s given me family and friends who love me and show me more grace than I deserve.

I thank God for giving us quick travel that I may visit my family who’s over 1,000 miles away on this day.

I thank God for giving me not only a well-paying job in these times, but a job that I like.

I thank God for allowing me to be part of a church who, though not perfect, is seeking to grow together towards christlikeness.

Most of all, I thank God for giving His Son to save a wretch like me.

So happy Thanksgiving, and remember to thank God for the many blessings he’s given you…no matter how many or how few, they’re more than we deserve.

Photos by CarbonNYC, Julie McLeod,  aka Kath, me, Phillie Casablanca, and DrGBB

I saw a news article the other day with the title, “Worry on World Economy Shakes Asian Markets.”  Now, I could care less about the state of the world markets (or at least those types of markets…I do rather enjoy going to local markets in the countries I visit), but this title stood out for me.

Because that’s EXACTLY what worry does: it shakes.

When we begin to worry (and we worry about so many things, don’t we?), we shake our faith.  We allow doubts about the future to shake the faith that we have that God is good and is in control.  We’re like Peter walking on water…when we focus in on the troubling things like the wind of the waves, we lose focus of the object of our faith.  Sure, those wind and waves are real, but so is God, the God who is faithful.

He’s the one I want to focus on.

Photo by Kevin

My favorite book as a teenager was Tomorrow, When the War Began by John Marsden.  I remember reading it 3 times, though I usually craved reading something new.

Recently, I’ve re-read the book to see if it really is any good.  I probably haven’t touched it in 10 years (realizing that I was only 16 ten years ago is reassuring that I’m not aging TOO fast…one of the boys at church told me the other day said, “Wait, you’re 26???  You look 30!”), so tastes change (not to mention all the books I’ve read since then have polished my tastes).

Well, I can definitely tell you I still think it’s a good book.

Though I’m in a different place than I was then, I can still see what attracted me to it.  Briefly, it’s a story about a small group of teenagers who are camping in the Bush of Australia as there nation is attacked, and everyone they know is rounded up at the fair grounds.  Throughout the entire book Ellie, the narrator, grapples with the bigger issues in life as she struggles with her new place in a world she never thought she’d live in (one example: she is placed in a kill-or-be-killed situation, and she’s shocked at how easy it was to make the choice).

I think that there’s something in all of us that whispers that there’s something bigger than ourselves.

Because there is, and that One has a name.  We’re made for something bigger than our petty little concerns…a reminder that I need more often than I’d like.

Photo by Powi

As a Protestant, Evangelical believer, I’ve been taught all my life (and rightly so) that the Bible is the basis of truth we can know.

Yet, it seems like some are too quick to call something biblical if it includes a verse or two.

Remember, even Satan quoted scripture:

“Then the devil took [Jesus] into the holy city and had Him stand on the pinnacle of the temple, and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down; for it is written, ‘He will command His angels concerning you’; and ‘on their hands they will bear you up, so that You will not strike Your foot against a stone.’ ” – Matthew 4:5-6

That is why we must take everything we hear and everything we read and compare it to the Scriptures…which means we must know them.

Photo by Accent on Eclectic