Ignorant Historian

Okay, forgive me.  If you’re a Twilighter, you won’t like this post as I’ll be dissing Edward.  If you’re not a Twilighter, then you won’t like this post because I’m going to talk about Twilight.  So basically, you have to have the exact same opinion as me (And why wouldn’t you if you have been reading my blog, right? I’m incredibly persuasive.) to enjoy this post.

I do realize that this post is at least a few weeks late, if not years.  Still, I wrote it now.  Actually, I’m rather pleased that I wrote anything “real” this week at all.

I read Twilight a couple of months ago after the umpteenth suggestion.  Didn’t hate it, but didn’t like it, either.  Over Thanksgiving break, I significantly miscalculated the number of books I’d need (I guessed 3, but 2 were youth books, so bad call) so I needed something to read.  Knowing my mom had New Moon, I thought I might as well continue the series.

After reading these two tomes, I still don’t get what it is about Edward that people like. At all.  In the interest of full disclosure, my ideal man-in-a-book/movie is Edmund in Mansfield Park (the movie, not necessarily the book).

9 Reasons Why I Couldn’t Like Edward

1. He’s pale as all get out.  Sure, being pale isn’t necessarily a bad thing (though I must admit I like my guys darker), but I don’t see how it’s a good thing, either.

2.  He’s a stalker.  Sure, Bella eventually gave permission for Edward to watch her all-night (like that isn’t creepy itself), but he did it before without asking.

3.  He sparkles.  If someone is going to sparkle in a relationship, it better be me.

4.  He’s mopey.  Sure, we all can be sometimes, but he seems to be too much (Bella, you too).

5.  He’s hard. How is that cuddly?

6.  He doesn’t bother to check his facts before making a big decision (killing himself).

7.  He likes Bella ’cause she smells good. That isn’t shallow…

8.  Other than these things, what else do we know about him?

9.  And then there’s something about being non-human…what was that again?

I wrote this post last week, and it’s not really where I’m at right now.  I had a wonderful time with my ABF class at church on Saturday which was exactly what I needed.  Still, I wanted to share what I’ve been through because I know there are others who are still there or will be there.

In the past week or so, I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness.  Not only is there the usual ache of walking alone on a path built for two, but there has been added emphasis on how alone I truly am through several unrelated incidents.

Perhaps it’s silly, but hearing from others about their loneliness makes me lonely.  Perhaps it’s what happens when you’re truly sharing one another’s burdens, you feel what they feel.  I’m glad to do it for friends, old or new.

Another thing that can (and has) made me lonely is to know that a crush won’t work out.  Not that I necessarily assume it will, but hopes disappointed always hurt, don’t they?

Then there’s the disappointments that can come from friendships.  Being sinful creatures, we’re bound to let each other down, aren’t we?

So, I just wanted to share that I’ve been lonely.  I know that I’m not the only one, so perhaps hearing my story will help someone else feel less lonely.  There is comfort in the loneliness, and for that I’m incredibly grateful.  I have friends and family who love me through this time.  But most of all, though, the comfort comes in the fact that this world won’t last forever.

And I can’t wait until the next.

Photo by JuriaYoshikawa

I think that most everything we do is to be done in balance.  I’m always trying to walk the fence between legalism and lawlessness, work and rest, trusting in God’s sovereignty and taking responsibility for my part in the world.

As a single girl (I should probably say “lady” or “woman” but I like “girl” better),  one such area of balance is in the pursuit (sorta) of a husband.

On one hand, I want to do everything I can do get him.  I’d love to pursue the man I’m interested in whole-heartedly.  If I thought it’d work, I’d reveal my interest to him and ask him what he wanted to do about it.

But on the other hand (cue the Randy Travis song in my head), I want to do absolutely nothing.  Instead, I want to trust completely in God’s sovereignty, leaving no room for my work.  If God has a husband for me, He’s perfectly capable of bringing Him into my life, creating interest in me, all at the proper time.

But really, my position lies somewhere in the middle.  I want both, cake and all (actually this whole not-a-diet diet thing has cut out my interest in cake…but not ice cream).  I want to reveal my interest (or at least my opennness) to him, opening the door for him to pursue me.  I also want to trust in God’s sovereignty, knowing that missed chances don’t mean that I’m missing out on the life I’m supposed to have.  Though it’s a topic for another day, I don’t believe in “The One.”

I definitely have fallen pretty far on both sides of the fence I’m walking…but I’ll keep on.

Photo by fotographix

It’s been a month, and I still feel fairly content in my singleness. Still working through all of the issues behind it (okay, I really always am), but I’m glad that I at least made it a month.  It might only last a month and a day, but at least it did, right?

I was having a conversation the other day with another single friend (I’ll call her “Friend”), and we were talking about single guys and single girls we know.  While there are more single girls in our church than guys, there still are single guys that for all we know have not pursued any of the many attractive, godly women that we know.

Friend made the statement, “If I was a guy, I’d be married by now.”

What she means is, that if she was a guy, she would have manned up and pursued a relationship.  I know that many of my readers don’t have the same understanding on relationships, but for Friend and me, we want husbands that will take the lead.  Don’t mistake me: we’re not talking husbands that will lord over us. (I realize that this is a big topic in and of itself, but I’m going to leave it at that, for now.)

If I or Friend were to pursue a relationship with any of these guys we know, we’re setting ourselves up for failure for the type of relationships we feel the Bible warrants and we desire.  Doesn’t mean that I don’t have issues to clear up in order to not let my own cold shoulder or poisonous tongue to drive men to way though, it just means that I’m not going to follow the world’s advice and ask a guy I was interested in out, and I’m certainly wouldn’t be taking him home with me, either.

So, why have these men not done anything?  Perhaps, they like being single (if I like it, they could too).  Or maybe they have pursued someone(s) and been turned down, and that turns them off.  Maybe they’re waiting to be financially stable or out of school (not necessarily bad, but we’re really not hung up on the guy not being able to bring money bags to the table to prove his worth…it’s enough to be a wise spender, be willing to work hard, and to rely on God for provision).

What do you think?

Photo by Riot Jane

Today my care group from church went to a local food bank to help out.  Our task?

Putting over a 1,000 dozen eggs in cartons.

It was a lot of fun, and actually didn’t take as long to do since there were so many of us.  I personally probably packed up several dozen cartons of eggs.  We had to make sure they were clean and uncracked…I don’t think I’ll look at an egg the same way again.

Afterwards we headed to Sonic to enjoy one another’s company, and there I shared my story about Polite Video Store Dude.  They definitely keyed in on the fact that it was a amicable guy that I was rude to.  Yeah, they know me (and my issues) too well…

Don’t look now, but I think I want to be single.

I feel like I talk my singleness to death on this here ole blog, but it’s something that I deal with on a daily basis, so I guess it’s something you, dear reader, have to hear about.  The tenor of these blog posts on my marital status tends to be: “I wish I was dating/married/a mother, but I want to be content where I am.”  Rest assured, this post won’t be anything of the sort.

Just last week I was contemplating my life.  Not the how-do-I-live-moment-to-moment or even the do-I-have-a-purpose type of contemplation, but the I-want-to-live-this-day-over-and-over-again kind of contemplation.  I like singleness: the flexibility, the alone time, the choosing what I want to eat and when, the extra time I get to dedicate to my favorite pastimes.

If I marry and/or have kids, these things will necessarily change.

I’m not saying that my motives are all right in this (I’m working on that one), but there’s some good in it.  First of all, I’m spending more time dwelling on the life God has given me than on the life that I want.  Secondly, one of the major motivations for remaining single is that I have more time/energy/resources to minister to others in and out of the church.  I could still do this if I was married, but a greater part of those resources would have to be spent on my family.

Of course, most of this is feeling-based, and as we all know, feelings change (over and over again).  While I was to the point of tears only a few weeks ago with an extreme desire for a husband and children, now I’m reveling it up in my current life.  If I were to remain single the rest of my life, I’d want my feelings to stay as they are, but I doubt that’s going to happen.  Actually, I know that’s not going to happen, because I’m still not immune to crushes.

Watch out, I think I might be seeing some green grass growing in between my toes.

Photo by  *sean

1. Where was the very last place you went besides your house?

Church, where I had a lot of fun playing with a bunch of preteen girls.  I’m going to miss those girls.

2. What are you doing tonight?

Chillaxing in front of the TV…does that make me seem more real?  See, I don’t spend all my free time in books.

3. Who last texted you?

Jen.

4. Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

Yes.

5. Do you get mad easily?

Not really, but sometimes if I’m stressed.

6. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?

HIDE.  But I have done better in recent years of processing them through journaling. 

7. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

Give me 100-degree dry heat any day over 32 and snowy.

8. Who was the last person you were in a car with?

Jen, going to Blockbuster.

9. What color are your eyes?

They once were described as poopy brown but a particularly unkind guy friend.  They are pretty light for brown eyes, with speaks of green and yellow in them.

10. Have you ever given up on someone but then went back to them later?

Oh yeah, story of my high school relationships.

11. Have you ever thrown your cell phone in anger?

Nah, I’m not really one to throw/punch/kick.  I DO clench up and tear up. 

12. Has anyone told you a secret lately that you aren’t allowed to tell anyone?

A few preteens, haha. 

13. Honestly, if you could go back six months and change something, would you?

I can’t think of anything, so no.

14. Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?

Nope.

15. Do you have a lot on your mind at the moment?

Not really.  As far as seasons of life go, I’m in a pretty stable one.  Of course, that could change any day.

16. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

I have a twin, and believe it or not, I prefer it.  I like to always be touching at least one edge of the bed.  It’s not like I’m going to be inviting anyone into my bed anytime soon, anyway.

17. What is your favorite thing to shop for?

Books.  Or maybe shoes.  Hmm, I would love a big shopping spree at a book/shoe store.

18. Who knows you better than you know yourself?

There’s a few people that might, I’m not sure.

19. What are you doing this summer?

Nothing different.  No trips at all planned, due to lack of cash and vacation days (saving them up for November).  I do plan on keeping up the building of good habits that I’ve been trying to do lately.  And watch SYTYCD.  It’s really the only show that I’ll watch that you have a hard time missing a week on.

20. Do you miss your past?

I’ve liked every stage of life I’ve been in, each one more than the last.

21. Did you ever have tea parties when you were younger?

Not really, though I did have a ceramic tea set that sat on my nightstand for years.

22. What is your favorite line from a movie?

If I were to cheat, it would be part of the Ocean’s 11 Danny/Tess conversation, but if we’re talking about one line, I’d have to say the Pirates quote I mentioned the other day, “She’s safe, just like I promised. She’s all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we’re all men of our word, really. Except Elizabeth, who is in fact, a woman.”   I don’t know what it is about it.

23. Would you rather be the opposite sex?

Boys are yucky.

24. What would you never name one of your children?

If it weren’t for Gone with the Wind, I think Scarlet would be a neat name, but I’d hate her to turn out to be a spoiled brat.  If it weren’t for a high school boyfriend, I would love the name Grant.  So yeah, not those names.

25. What is the coolest restaurant you’ve ever been to?

I don’t know about cool, as I don’t tend to like fancier places.  My favorite restaurant though, is a steakhouse in Kansas called Timberline.  Their salads, cheese fries, honey mustard, and mashed potatoes are the best I’ve ever had.

26. Where do you go when you want to get a really good sub sandwich?

If I’m going for a good sub, I prefer Quizno’s, but I frequent Subway because they’re cheaper and healthier (at least what I get).

27. What style of house would you like to live in?

I don’t know the names of the style, but ideally it would have a garden, a good sized living area, and a library.

28. Do you flip the channel when commercials come on?

Rarely.  I don’t like to watch commercials though (I still think commercials can’t be healthy), so I’m usually doing something else.

29. Have you seen any of the Saw movies?

Have I ever seen any horror movie?  Yeah right.  Just today, someone scared me by walking around the side of the building while I was watering my flowers.

30. What was your favorite book as a child?

I’m not sure about favorite, but I really like the Boxcar Children, the Betsy books, and the Babysitter’s Club books.

(Found this on Ministry So Fabulous.)

I’m surprised when I wrote my story last week about blind dating (or the spoiling thereof) that no one asked me if it was based on a true experience.  No, it really wasn’t, but given my solo status, I thought it might cross some readers’ minds.  I have, however, met plenty of guys like Jason…no thanks.

One time, though, a friend tried to set me up with a teacher at her son’s school.  It was New Year’s Day 2006, and she was hosting a traditional Southern New Year’s meal, something I had never experienced before.

My friend told me before hand that she wanted to meet him, that he was really nice and taught at a conservative Christian school.  I was uncomfortable, but I agreed to show up and at least meet the guy because she told me she did not tell the guy she wanted us to meet (based on his reaction to me, I’m almost positive she did).  New Year’s was on a Sunday, so after church, I headed over to her house, dressed in my typical winter Sunday dress of a nice shirt and slacks.

After a while, the rest of the guests conveniently left us alone in the dining room as they sought out dessert.  He was nice, that was true, but he was a bit on the effeminate side and shy, to boot.  We really didn’t have a lot to talk about, but I suppose it wasn’t too awful, considering how experiences like this usually go.

After a while, I had to go because I was meeting friends to see Chronicles of Narnia.  I appreciated having the convenient out, and left.  Later, my friend told me he had a good time, and asked if she could give him my number, and she said he was sure to call.  She did, and I never heard from him.

After a little investigating, I figured out why.  My friend had told me where he went to college, and my roommate was from that area and knew it was ultra-conservative.  Sure enough, as I looked up their policies, a few things stood out to me:

Women aren’t supposed to wear pants (and I definitely was wearing them that day…hello, it was winter)

No one is to go to the movies (and I had mentioned that’s where I was heading)

Sunday as Sabbath was strictly enforced (which made my pant-wearing and movie-going all the worse)

Perhaps he didn’t buy into these teachings, but at the very least he was used to being around girls that did (okay, he probably wasn’t that used to being around girls at all).

He didn’t call me because I was too liberal for him.

That was a first, and I do believe it will be a last, as I thought I was about as liberal as they come.

This post is really part 1 of 2.  Back when I sought suggestions for celebrating my upcoming 3rd blogiversary, OneMom suggested I talk about my future dreams for 1 years, 5 years, and 10 years.  I thought it was a great idea, so here goes.

When people ask me this type of question, I never really know what to say.  There’s really two sets of answers: one with a husband and kids, and one without.  Today, I’ll give the first, and tomorrow the later.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mother.  I remember creating elaborate pretend families with my friends, where we would talk about our half a dozen kids (each) and their names.  No husbands were involved in our fantasy worlds, though.  They had all been killed delivering pizzas (we must have heard about something of the kind on the news, as we certainly weren’t inclined to dark thoughts), and we were happily raising the kids ourselves.

As I got older, those dreams evolved.  Yes, I still want children, but I do want a husband.  Indeed, I believe I was created, as a woman, to be a wife.  I don’t buy into the philosophy that I must be married to be complete, but I do want to live life with someone.

With these dreams in mind, here’s my hopes for the future:

In 1 year, I would love to be dating and/or engaged to the man I would marry.  To be honest, I wouldn’t mind being married before a year is up, if it was right.  I’d also like to be completed with my first novel.  (While I’m dreaming, I’d also like to drop 20 pounds.)

In 5 years, I would love to married with a kid or two.  Ideally, I would be living here or overseas.  Either way, I would want to be serving Christ by being a supportive wife, a loving mother, and an active church member.  Of course, I want to be blogging still, catching up with you all who will be old friends by then.

In 10 years, I’d love to be married with a couple more kids; maybe 4 total.  I would be actively involved in the training and education of these children, whether or not that would include homeschooling, I don’t know.  I would still like to be actively involved in my church, whatever my role might look like then.

Tomorrow I’ll share my Plan B, otherwise known as my goals if Prince Charming doesn’t show.

Elizabeth asked, “Have you ever considered taking a risk (or more than one risk) or doing something risky? Or do you always play it safe?”

Ooh, you really know me, don’tcha?  Of course, you have the benefit of real life conversations like the one we had about dancing (nope, still haven’t had to go!).  Yeah, I do play it safe a lot.  But certainly not all the time.  I have made two moves without knowing anyone, except for one or two acquaintances (first to Oklahoma, then to North Carolina).  I force myself to do things that I don’t want to at first, like going to a party, trying a new food, or joining a book club.  I travel, and am willing to travel, and put myself in situations that aren’t ideal for greater causes.

Is there a certain risk you think I should take?  And don’t tell me it’s about boys… (those are the hardest kind!).

Jen asked, “How DO you (or anyone for that matter) go about making your life more interesting? How do you get out of a rut?

This is a funny question to follow the last one, doesn’t it?  Personally, I don’t really worry about making life more interesting…it seems pretty interesting in and of itself.  No matter how much I try to get into patterns and schedules and routines, life throws wrenches and everything changes.

As far as getting out of rut, I like to remind myself that each day is a new day.  Fresh, new.  Doesn’t matter if tomorrow was blah or tomorrow is certain to be the same, today is a gift of God and I’m going to seek to enjoy it and make the most of it.  Of course, this is the attitude I would like to have, not necessarily the one that I do have, especially since I’m not a morning person!  I hope you get out of your slump soon, Jen!

Liz asked, “When it comes to friendships, are you are more apt to have many close friends that you are very open with, or do you tend to only have a couple close friends who are your special confidantes?”

I do tend to have a few close friends, but that said, I do tend to be open very quickly and easily.  I think I’ve closed off more as I’ve grown up, though those might not necessarily be linked, as it seems like I meet less people than I did in my school days, thereby insuring I don’t have as many opportunities to make new friends.  I just told one of my good friends who my crush is–or really, let her guess–(it had been bugging her, because I knew some of her guy stuff, and she knew that I did have a crush), but it took me quite some time to open up about that.

I so wish I could share boy stuff with you, my lovely bloggy buddies, but I can’t be certain who will read this or what conclusions they might jump to!  I’ll stick to my promise though, and will share info if anything juicy ever happens (and believe me, it hasn’t).  Besides, I couldn’t have you all thinking I’m just as vapid boy-chaser, could I?

K-Lai asked, “What, in your opinion, makes up a great friendship?”

Selflessness, openness, honesty, and being grounded in the truth. 

“Is there a fine line between love and hate?”

Probably not true love and pure hate, but between like and dislike.  My house was once TPed, and I thought my ex might have done it, but when I asked him, he said something like, “I don’t like you, and I don’t hate you.  If I did either of those, maybe I would have done it.”

“If you had to write a personal statement for winning the Nobel Prize (you pick which category), what would it include?”

Ooh, could it please be in literature?  Pretty please?  I think that would be so cool! (You would think that the future winner of the Nobel Prize in literature could come up with a more descriptive sentence than that!)  I would hope to be witty and funny, but when it comes down to it, I hope to give a clear presentation of the gospel.

“Do you have a recipe for lasagna? If so, what is it?”

Umm, I really don’t like lasagna, so no recipes here.  The one time I ”made” it, for a church small group function, it was just the Stouffer’s frozen kind.  In fact, it’s an issue of much teasing in my family as lasagna points back to the days when my hormone levels were a bit more volatile.