Ignorant Historian

For the last couple of years, I’ve been incredibly content where I am. I haven’t looked to do anything else but what I was already doing.

But this fall, God has shown me that perhaps my “contentment” wasn’t contentment as much as complacency. Instead of actively seeking God to know what His will is for me in this moment, I just continued the status quo and assumed that I’m where I’m supposed to be. I don’t think God requires us to be constantly changing our circumstances, but I do think that He wants us to always be willing to change our circumstances. Somewhere along the way, I dropped the willingness and settled in, comfortable. After all, I love being comfortable.

Losing my job (and the month or two of uncertainty beforehand) shook me from my complacency. I’m not able to continue my complacency as I’m no longer able to go with my status quo.

And for that, I’m incredibly thankful for this time of unemployment.

Photo by rosefirerising

This summer seems never ending, doesn’t it? Summer is my favorite season, but I think I’ve had enough. I’m ready for a change!

But apparently summer will end. We only have 4 more challenges left. Up this week:

“That you step back and (with your husband, if you are married) plan the various forms of your life’s ministry in chapters. Chapters are divided by various things—age, strength, singleness, marriage, employment choices, children at home, children in college, grandchildren, retirement, etc. No chapter has all the joys. Finite life is a series of tradeoffs. Finding God’s will, and living for the glory of Christ to the full in every chapter is what makes it a success, not whether it reads like somebody else’s chapter or whether it has in it what chapter five will have.”

This is the first one that I must say, I’m not sure I entirely agree with. Perhaps I just don’t understand his intent.

I don’t really think it matters how you view the years of your life, as long as you recognize that what God may be calling you to now, may not be what he’s calling you to forever. Sure, life has seasons, but like seasons do, they slowly change. I think rarely does life change abruptly and completely, though there are times that it does, which the term “chapters” implies to me.

So, now I’ve gotten my nitpickiness out of the way, let’s get to what perhaps he really was trying to say. I like that he encourages us women not to compare our lives with another’s. I may be able to do this or that, but just because I have the freedom to do so doesn’t mean that you will. A godly woman doesn’t come from a cookie cutter. In fact, God wants us to do different things, or he wouldn’t have gifted us differently.

At the same time, we aren’t to long for different seasons of our life, past or potential. For me, this can be a real struggle, as I find it easy to long to be a wife and a mother. Thankfully, I have friends in my life that can give me a more realistic picture of those roles than what I find in my daydreams. It’s healthy for me to get a good dose of reality!

Other Posts in This Series:

A Summer of Growth

Peace, Joy, and Strength

Daily Acts of Love

Women of the Book

Women of Prayer

Deep Thinkin’

No More Frittering

Exploiting Not Paralyzing

Keeping Me Honest

To Be God’s Free Agent

Photo by photon_de

So, last week we had the challenge to single women. This week, we turn to married women.

So does that mean I get to take a week off? Not at all! While I have no idea if I’ll ever get married (though I still hope), I am working on developing skills and characteristics that would be helpful as a wife.

So here’s the challenge from John Piper:

“That, if you are married, you creatively and intelligently and sincerely support the leadership of your husband as deeply as obedience to Christ will allow; that you encourage him in his God-appointed role as head; that you influence him spiritually primarily through your fearless tranquility and holiness and prayer.”

“Fearless tranquility”…wow. That’s what I want. I want to be so content in Christ that any disturbance in my life will not affect me. Not that I have to be stoic, but that I’m not perturbed by things not going my way. No situation is hopeless, because no situation is without God.

I recently read John Piper’s chapter in Voices of the True Woman Movement which I found incredibly encouraging (more on that later). In it, he talks about how wimpy theology makes for wimpy women. Despite the popular caricature of the evangelical view of women (weak, mindless servants), this is not at all what the Bible calls us to be, and definitely not what I want to be.

Yes, I try to live in submission to my Lord, my elders, and one day, my husband, but that’s not at all the same as blindly following. Instead, I must work on gaining skills, knowledge, experience, and wisdom that will help me better fulfill my calling.

Another thing I’ve been working on is to be more of an encouragement to the men around me. While I can’t encourage them in the same ways or to the same degree as my future husband, I can be supportive of their endeavors and let them know when they’ve been a blessing to me.

Also, I can continue to learn from the examples of the married women around me. I’ve been blessed with having many godly women in my life, and I have a lot to learn from them.

Other Posts in This Series:

A Summer of Growth

Peace, Joy, and Strength

Daily Acts of Love

Women of the Book

Women of Prayer

Deep Thinkin’

No More Frittering

Exploiting Not Paralyzing

Photo by nanotechi

The evening started out innocently enough. Having just finished my last spiritual growth book, I went to my TBR bookshelf and picked up Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney. The subtitle “Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother” made me chuckle, since I’m not a wife or a mother and have no prospects of becoming either.

But then I sat down to read it. Read the forward, great. Read the first chapter introducing the studied scripture Titus 2, no problem. I’ve even written a paper on it myself.

But then I got to the next chapter, “The Delight of Loving My Husband.” As I continued to read on as merely an interested observer I thought, “What if I still will get married?” My heart started to beat loudly within my chest.

I’m sure that sounds silly, but it’s true. While somewhere hidden inside I still desire to get married, I’ve written off my 28-year-old self as a hopeless cause.

I guess you can only hear “I’m sure you’ll get married” (always accompanied with a look of pity and a pat on the shoulder) so many times before it becomes a mockery.

In the last two years, I’ve come a long way towards being content in my singleness and have truly enjoyed it and the freedom it affords.

But somehow with that, slowly but surely, has come the resignation that since I’m 28 and contentedly single (well, more often than not), I’ll continue to be single the rest of my days.

I don’t know where I’ve gotten that ridiculous idea. I’m 28–only 2 years over the average age women get married. I think it must be the same kind of thing you tell yourself when you’re up for an award: “It won’t be me; it won’t be me,” just to try to keep yourself from being too disappointed when it’s not you (though somehow you still really think you will win because you “deserve” it).

But when I read that chapter, I allowed myself that dangerous hope once again. The hope that I won’t be spending the majority of my evenings alone.

And as I felt that hope rising within me, I felt my hardened heart opening itself up, allowing itself to be vulnerable, showing its soft inside.

And it hurts.

Photo Credit: David Schexnaydre

I’m not happy with my life.

I don’t mean to say that I want to change my circumstances. I mean to say I don’t like how I’m living my life. I feel like I’m spending each day waiting for it to be over, and each week waiting for it to be over. Instead of actively deciding how I want to spend my life, I feel like I’m passively letting it happen to me.

Getting over pneumonia was hard…much harder for me than actually having pneumonia. I may have wanted nothing more than to stop coughing at the time, but when I started feeling better, it was the exhaustion, mental and physical, that was hard. For two weeks afterwards I didn’t have the energy to do anything. Lots of TV watching and staring off into space, that’s about it.

Then a week or so ago, I started regaining my normal energy, praise God. But having done nothing for two weeks, it was hard to get going. It’s still hard to get going…I want to continue to relax and be self-indulgent.

I started writing this post over the weekend, and I’m happy to say that things are looking up. I’ve decided to start focusing on building/eliminating one thing a week. This week I’ve decided to add in exercise. So far so good. Trading 20-30 minutes of walking around the block for TV watching is definitely worth it. I’ve started reading again (it’s been a while since I could pick up a book and actually understand what I was reading!) which is refreshing.

Photo by Alfonso Siloniz

One conversation from yesterday was special enough (in more than one sense) that it deserved its own post. I’m going to narrate it, as it just suits the story better.

A young girl I’ll call Maggie pulls out one of her Barbies. It’s one of the Disney Prince Charmings–a Prince Charming that has clearly been passed through the hands of most–if not all–of the 4 girls as he is balding (his black hair rubbed off near his forehead), missing a leg, and without his princely garments.

Maggie gives Prince Charming to me. “Here you go.”

“Uhh, thanks. Actually, I have been looking for a Prince Charming.”

“You wouldn’t care that he doesn’t have one of his legs?” Maggie asks, genuinely surprised.

“No, that wouldn’t bother me,” I respond truthfully.

“And naked?” she responds in disgust.

“Well, not until the wedding.”

I ask Maggie where my real prince charming is. She and her sisters proceed to offer up all the “available” men they can think of: several teenagers, a few married men, and their brother (I politely tell him that he can look me up in 20 years, causing him to blush).

When their list of eligible men was exhausted, I ask Maggie to look me in the eyes.

In a serious tone I tell her, “I do hope to get married some day, but even if I never do, I will continue to live each day happy.”

Her shock was obvious. At 6, she already is so ready to get married. “But that means you can’t have children!”

I fight back tears as I whisper, “I know.”

But her brain didn’t stop there, just like mine doesn’t. She delightfully gives her conclusion, “But if you had kids, you couldn’t watch us!”

I give Maggie a big hug. Yes, Maggie, I know.

It’s now been two weeks since I started the Game On! Diet.

(Sidenote: I hate that it’s called a “diet”…especially since we’re not using the diet portion.)

And it’s been an interesting two weeks at that.

One of the first things I noticed was how much depriving myself of my usual self-indulgences increased my pleasure.  I love ice cream and Diet Dr Pepper, but it having it daily regularly doesn’t make me enjoy it more.  It made me enjoy it less…it wasn’t a treat anymore.

Day 1 of Game On! (see, I didn’t use the D-word!) I had an evening snack of Cinnamon Life with skim milk.  And it was heavenly.  While I was eating it, I was completely in the moment, enjoying every bite and sip from the bowl.

Day 2, I had part of a plain bagel with a little cream cheese that was out of this world.  My usual Panera bagel, the Cinnamon Crunch, wouldn’t have been that good.

Day 3, I had some canned pears that were quite scrumptious.

And by Day 4, I was enjoying every bite of my unsweetened applesauce.

By week 2, I was back in the pool.  While I have to fight through the first few laps, I love to swim.  Something about the rhythm of it (stroke, stroke, breathe, stroke, stroke, breathe)  and the way that the water turns all sounds into background noises.  In the pool I’m alone with my thoughts, without distraction.  Exercise without sweat, without strain.  In cleansing waters.

So why haven’t I been doing it more often?

I’ve greatly appreciated this opportunity to enjoy the little things.  I don’t want to forget that.

Photo by ƒernando

I’m pretty content with my life right now.  Singleness can obviously be a struggle, but it’s not one for me right now.

But ask me again tomorrow, because it’s definitely a day-by-day thing.  Other than that, there’s nothing else in my life that I really want to change.

Hey, maybe I’m content.  That’s a good thing, right?  Definitely.

“But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment.” – 1 Timothy 6:6, NASU

But am I really content?  Or would I better describe myself as “apathetic?”  Where’s the line?

Instead of being content in God alone, I’ve become apathetic with little thought of God.

Of course, God is very much present in my life, and I do continue to intentionally spend time with him through the Bible and prayer.  But I’m putting Him in a box…how much do I think of him outside of those scheduled moments that I give to him?

Just something I’m pondering this week.  Praying that God will renew my fire to know and follow Him.

Photo by aaron.knox

Next Sunday is Mother’s Day.  Just wanted to remind you to consider how you may be an encouragement to those around you who may not be mothers but want to be.

“Oh, who knows, it might turn out to be a blessing in disguise.”
The disguise is very convincing.” – Vanity Fair

“I don’t understand why some kids git a good school and mother and father and some don’t.” – Push by Sapphire, p. 139

“It matters not what you fight but what you fight for.” – Mouseguard, Fall 1152 by David Petersen

“It is easy to give way to thoughts, emotions, and desires that should no longer rule us, and easy to be more defined by our problems than by the grace of Christ.” – How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp, p. 117

“Who said I can’t be single and have to go out and mingle / Baby that’s not me, no, no” – “La La Land” performed by Demi Lovato

“It has nothing to do with the way she looks. It has everything to do with who she is.” – George Clooney on Julia Roberts being named People‘s Most Beautiful

“I shiver, thinking about how easy it is to be totally wrong about people – to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole, to see the cause and think it’s the effect or vice versa.” – Before the Fall by Lauren Oliver, p. 385

“Well, usually I learn more from my sheep htan from books,” he answered. – The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, p. 5

“It’s weird how much you can know about someone without knowing everything.  You’d think someday you’d come to the end of it.” – Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver, p. 96

“You can’t be mean to someone forever and then feel bad when she dies.” – Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver, p. 176

Have you ever written a letter to your future self?  I’ve done that several times, but I always remember to open them in time, not being as excited about them as I was when I wrote them.  I figured I might as well write this letter here as I’m much more likely to see it!

Dear Ronnica 2015,

Let’s not fool anyone…this is a tad bit ridiculous before an audience.  Reminds me of times when I’ve had to practice a speech before an audience of one.  Let’s try to put that silliness aside.

I have no idea what your life is like, Ronnica 2015.  Perhaps your life is closer to my dream future or my practically planned future, but more likely it’s something/somewhere I never thought I’d be.  After all, my 2005 self would have laughed at where I am today (and my 2000 self even more so).

If you are married or have kids, don’t take that for granted.  Remember well how much you longed for those things when you were me.  While I no doubt have no idea the trials that come with life as a wife and mother, I do know that deep inside of me, that’s what I desire.  Just as I work now to be content where God’s placed me, work to be content where God has placed you.

And if you’re still single, I know you’re handling it.  I have so much still to learn about how to honor God in my single life, and how to balance all the many areas I want to grow in.  Hopefully you’re excelling at that better than I am.  I hope that you have many more days that you are content than nights that you are not.

Don’t be afraid to love.  Hey, I could be writing this for my today self.  I know our tendency to be reserved when it comes to friendships.  It’s okay to put yourself out there…even if you get hurt.  Seek to love others (through word AND deed) as you’d want to be loved yourself.

Though no doubt our interests aren’t quite the same, keep learning.  There is so much to know and so much wisdom to be gained.  Learn from those who go before us and seek wisdom at God’s mercy seat.  Even though you’re 5 years further down the road than I, I know you have so much more room to grow.

Truthfully,

Ronnica 2010

Photo by Muffet