Ignorant Historian

I’m a dreamer.  I mean, I know some of you who are longtime readers of the Ignorant Historian know that I’m such a famous dreamer that I’ve been featured in The Washington Post.  Or perhaps that’s not quite how it went down.  Things get fuzzy in my old age.

As often as I have crazy adventure dreams at night (and that is every night these days), I’m even more of a daydreamer.  I’m constantly imagining things in my head: what I’ll do once I’ve reached my emergency savings goal, what I’d do if I was famous, and every step of completely-unrealized relationships from “Wanna go to dinner?” to “I do” (including how I’d tell you about him).  Actually, that last one is a recurring theme in my life.

The problem is, these daydreams are entirely unhelpful.  While these aren’t bad dreams (okay, except the famous one) they aren’t the kinds of dreams that God has for me.  I know that, but this quote still hit home:

“Though we may not be aware of it, we are often at odds with our wise and loving Lord.  The change he is working on is not the change we dream about.” – How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp, p. 33

If I could change one thing in my life, it would be to trade in my singleness.  But I don’t think that’s high on God’s to-do list in my life.  I’m hoping that He wants me married, too, but He’s much more concerned with my righteousness.  He wants to root out out the sinful actions in my life and the sinful desires that lead me there.

May God help me make His desire, my desire.

Photo by Denis Collette

My journal entry, dated October 30, 2009

Last night in the midst of one of my typical adventure dreams (in this one I was a part of a group being held hostage) there was a tender moment (can a fake moment be tender?) that sticks with me.

In the midst of the hostage situation, I had my head on a man’s shoulder as we played with each other’s hands.  It was something so small, but that’s the desire of my heart…to simply be with someone, even if it’s in the midst of a crazy situation (though preferably not that crazy situation).

I long for that day when there’ll be someone there, all the while knowing that day may never come.  Yet I hope in God, trusting His judgment on the matter to be better than my own, asking Him to remove selfish ambitions from my heart.  Not that it’s not right and good for me to desire a husband–it is–but it’s not right for me to desire it more than I desire God Himself, more than I desire to follow Him.

So as I continue in this adventurous time in my life, I lean on Him, trusting Him to be enough.

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O LORD of hosts,
How blessed is the man who trusts in You.”

- Psalm 84:11-12

Photo by photosan0

- When I think of the word “tidbits” I think of pineapple.

- The other night I had a dream where I had gone to heaven and we were able to fly.  I wonder if we’ll be able to fly…I mean, I don’t think we’d have wings or anything.  Just pondering.

- I can’t believe in one week I’ll be on my way to Turkey.  Don’t worry, I’ll give you all more details, etc.

- I have 16 books checked out from the library, but I haven’t finished one since the Read-a-thon.  Between being sick and working long days, I’ve been exhausted in the evenings.

- I had thought that I’d lose my voice this time around, but now it’s not looking (sounding? feeling?) like it.  Which is definitely a good thing.

- I want to read Catching Fire, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to get it from the library before going to Turkey.  I’ll have to put my requests on hold, and be pushed to the bottom of the list.  Almost tempted to give a friend access to my email account and my library card to check it out when it comes in while I’m gone.  No, I’ll be patient.

- Speaking of Turkey, I’m not quite ready to go.  I mean, of course I haven’t packed, but I also haven’t created a packing list (though I did list all the OTC medicine I’ll need).  The only things set out to pack are the books I’m going to take with me…  I might not have clothes or the things I need for the lessons I’ll teach, but at least I’ll be able to read on the planes!

- Have a great (safe!) Halloween weekend!

I’m not saying that I’ve given up my dreams of being a wife and mother (after all, I’m only 26), but I know that it’s not something to make an actual goal.  I have no interest in trying to hook a man, and have full confidence in God to provide me a husband if that’s the path He wants me to go on (that said, I am still trying to come out of my shell more with men…).  Regardless of what the future looks like, I’m going to work on becoming the best woman that I can be.

With that in mind, here’s the Plan B of my future plans:

1 year from now: I would like to be working where I am now, continuing to improve my skills at my various responsibilities and gaining more.  I also would like to have most/all of an emergency fund stashed away, something that’s only in the infancy stages right now.  I’d like to have grown closer to my church family and continued writing curriculum and teaching Sunday school.  (most of these things are really a part of Plan A, too)

5 years from now: I think I’d like to own a home.  Or at least live in one, because I would like a garden.  Maybe I will have pursued becoming a teacher, as I love children/tweens/teens and teaching.  I hope to be continuing to grow personally and spiritually.  Growing as a writer is also high on my dream list, as I love to write, but I don’t know that I necessarily want to aim at being published.

10 years from now:  More of the same, I suppose.  I would also like to either serve the Lord overseas for an extended time or regularly encourage those who are (I’m currently leaning towards the later).

What do you hope your future looks like?

This post is really part 1 of 2.  Back when I sought suggestions for celebrating my upcoming 3rd blogiversary, OneMom suggested I talk about my future dreams for 1 years, 5 years, and 10 years.  I thought it was a great idea, so here goes.

When people ask me this type of question, I never really know what to say.  There’s really two sets of answers: one with a husband and kids, and one without.  Today, I’ll give the first, and tomorrow the later.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mother.  I remember creating elaborate pretend families with my friends, where we would talk about our half a dozen kids (each) and their names.  No husbands were involved in our fantasy worlds, though.  They had all been killed delivering pizzas (we must have heard about something of the kind on the news, as we certainly weren’t inclined to dark thoughts), and we were happily raising the kids ourselves.

As I got older, those dreams evolved.  Yes, I still want children, but I do want a husband.  Indeed, I believe I was created, as a woman, to be a wife.  I don’t buy into the philosophy that I must be married to be complete, but I do want to live life with someone.

With these dreams in mind, here’s my hopes for the future:

In 1 year, I would love to be dating and/or engaged to the man I would marry.  To be honest, I wouldn’t mind being married before a year is up, if it was right.  I’d also like to be completed with my first novel.  (While I’m dreaming, I’d also like to drop 20 pounds.)

In 5 years, I would love to married with a kid or two.  Ideally, I would be living here or overseas.  Either way, I would want to be serving Christ by being a supportive wife, a loving mother, and an active church member.  Of course, I want to be blogging still, catching up with you all who will be old friends by then.

In 10 years, I’d love to be married with a couple more kids; maybe 4 total.  I would be actively involved in the training and education of these children, whether or not that would include homeschooling, I don’t know.  I would still like to be actively involved in my church, whatever my role might look like then.

Tomorrow I’ll share my Plan B, otherwise known as my goals if Prince Charming doesn’t show.

Thanks for the help yesterday. I have finally decided what to do and gone for it. Be looking for a post after Christmas with my new blog address!

One thing that I have wanted to do for some time is write a novel. I don’t want to write to be famous or rich, though I suppose those wouldn’t be bad if they came. I don’t want to write because I think that I’m an amazing writer or would be able to make a career out of it, because I believe my writing and creativity are nothing spectacular. I want to write because I love to write.

In the last year, I have fallen in love with writing for this blog. I truly enjoy it, and not just because of the friends I’ve made here. I enjoy writing in this style. I enjoy writing humorous posts to get you chuckling; I enjoy writing serious posts about topics near to my heart. I also feel that I have grown in my writing, like these daily posts are daily exercises of my writing muscles.

After I received my laptop last week, one of the first things I did was download novel-writing software (yWriter). I haven’t done much with it, but it’s there and I’ve started a novel to play around with it, the idea that was the freshest in my mind.

I’ve said it before, but the main thing that holds me back from being a novel writer is that I don’t think that my writing will live up to my own standards. I’m not being modest; I’m being truthful. Very few modern authors are truly worth reading, in my opinion, and I’m not egotistical enough to think that I could ever count myself among them.

Instead of seeking to be the best, I’m merely seeking to do my best, even if no one else were to read it. I think that’s a worthy cause in itself.

So, with my first 173 words, I now can call myself a novel-writer.

A guy down the hall at work that I’ve never met (the place I work is SMALL, but we do share an office with a lot of other places) came in yesterday afternoon and asked if I had put a Diet Dr. Pepper in the fridge, because he accidently grabbed it as his own. Knowing me, you know that I answered the affirmative. He was quite apologetic and offered to replace it, but I agreed to take his Diet Coke instead. And here you thought I drank nothing else but the wonderfully bubbly stuff. I love when people are civil and humble about their honest mistakes!

I had a dream the other night that I was on SYTYCD. I was accused by one of the other contestants of being pregnant (and thus unable to dance), so I had to go to the doctor to get checked out. They apparently thought I was a threat and were trying to take me out of the competition. As you can see, I dream big! He asked me if I was experiencing any discomfort and I practically yelled, “No! Because I’m not pregnant! I’m a VIRGIN!!!” Apparently people have as hard a time of grasping that in my dream as they do in real life.

In class yesterday, we watched a whole sermon at the very end of class. Our professor passed out worksheets to use to evaluate it. I figured we would just be discussing it after, so I took some notes, mainly in a style for me to remember what I was thinking. And then I proceeded to day dream for a good 10 minutes or so of the sermon. When it finished up, conveniently as the last seconds of class escaped before us, our professor said, “Okay, just pass your papers in, and I’ll take a look at what you wrote overnight.” I froze up. While I had written stuff down, it was in no way coherent or particularly relevant without some translation by me. But I had to head out to work, so I didn’t take the time to fix it. I definitely felt like I was transported back to high school!

Instead of focusing on reading the book that I have to write a book review on, I’ve actually been reading a book that a friend loaned me awhile back called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. While she didn’t agree with it all, she thought that it would have a few good points for me. I can’t imagine why she would think that as I go out every weekend.

To the grocery store. Okay, so she has a good point. While I believe that God is more than capable of bringing a date (not to mention “The One”) around in His good timing, I’ll admit that I might have some issues that are holding me back from the whole dating process. I’ve never been very warm or open when talking to an available guy. Instead, I clam up (yes, that’s my second reference to a mollusc in this post; I’ll talk about them, but I won’t eat them) and often shoot out sarcasm as poisonous venom if I feel threatened. It’s no wonder I don’t date.

So anyway, I read the book, and though I disagree with almost everything he says, I picked up a hint or two about how I could be more open and inviting, not only to guys who I may be interested in, but also to the human population as a whole. This introvert needs to learn to get out of her shell like any good shellfish and be eaten. Hmm , I think I may have taken the metaphor too far.

In other Friday topics (celebrating Friday on Thursday should be required every week), I’ve just had my third dream about one of my friends getting pregnant. In none of the cases were the friends actually pregnant, or even possibly pregnant (according to any junior high sex education class). It’s rather disturbing to have these dreams, and the last two friends didn’t take it that well when I told them about the dream, so I won’t tell this friend, either.

Lastly, how do you like the new design? I loved the header that Jacki made for me, but I was ready for something new. I feel like Summer did a great job of making me a header that captured my girlyness and my Kansasyness. All that is missing is my penchant to make up new words by adding -ness, -y, and/or -ish.

Any big 4th of July plans? I’ll be attending a BBQ tomorrow with my Care Group, and then mainly chilling the rest of the weekend.

Y’all, I did it. I’m famous. Or as close as I’m going to get. Remember when I mentioned that I was interviewed by the Washington Post because of my dream about Barack Obama? Well, I made it in to the paper.

If you’d like to check out the article, you can find it here.

If you would like to read my account of the complete dream, check out my blog post here.

Thanks, Jacki, for letting me know it was published!

If you were mentioned in a random newspaper article, what would you like it to say about you?

My dreams are full of adventures, often of the illegal kind. I’m thinking that this is spurred by my preference for thief movies as well as my stuffy student lifestyle.

Last night’s dream involved my roommate, Dori, and I as thieves. We were breaking into a house in broad daylight to get $200 that we knew was there. I’m not sure what the significance of the $200 was, but in my dream we were morally justified in taking it. I also remember realizing that this wasn’t even a good take as I could have easily earned the money legally in a short time.

The thing is, we were horrible thieves. We didn’t use gloves, so I left a good set of fingerprints on the door handle. Since it was daylight, an acquaintance saw us. We walked all the way home, even though we had left our car at the house we robbed (Dori, that’s not the kind of walk I was talking about). When we got home, the lady who had saw us left us a message on our answering machine that just had a Whitney Houston song on it. We knew that we were caught.

Maybe I need more real adventure in my life, or at least need to pick up a good adventure book, who knows. Do you have any recurring themes in your dreams?