Ignorant Historian

Well I made it through NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) this November, which seemed like the shortest month ever.  I suppose it helps when you spend have of it away from home, huh?

Looking back, it was a good month.  I got to spend time in the country I love and with people that I love.  Sure, I saw emotions deeper than I’ve ever felt, and through some hard personal times, but I believe I’ve grown through those times and am better prepared for adversity in the future.  Through it all, there WERE blessings upon blessings, and I’m incredibly thankful.

So now we can look forward to December.  Only a couple of weeks until my birthday, and then after that there’s Phantom, a few days with a good friend in Texas, and then some great time with the family.  It’s bound to be another fast month!

I wrote this post Monday afternoon, and a few hours later I reached my breaking point when the tears came.  It was during an emotional online conversation with a good friend and was such a relief.  She didn’t like to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I’m so thankful that she was. God is good.

Right now I’d say I was an 8.5 on a 10-point emotional scale, and have been for about a week.   I’m emotional for some reasons I can share (another post) and some others that I can’t (or at least won’t on a public blog!).

After weeks like these, I wonder how I ever thought I wasn’t emotional.  I was most certainly lying to myself, because I haven’t grown MORE emotional, just learned to express them in more constructive ways and not let them rule me (at least more often than before).

In the past, I’d be rather stoic until I had an unexpected, big, messy emotional explosion (my parents remind me often of my blowup over shoes in 2002).  I haven’t had one of those in years (not since The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was dubbed my “crying movie” in 2006), but I feel like I’m on the verge now.

Every time I want to cry, it’s not a good time (like on the bus or in a room full of people), and every time I could, the tears don’t come.  It’s not that I’m sad or depressed, really.  Or at least not exclusively so.  Strong emotions of any kind will bring me to tears.  I’m not exactly sure WHAT all I’m feeling, but I know that I’m teeming with all these different emotions.

Though it’s not necessarily fun to be emotional, I’m thankful for these emotions.  And that’s certainly something new.

Photo by laffy4k

This morning has already been rather frusterating, as much so towards myself as to anyone else. It bugs me that I’m not able to separate my emotions from my work and from the times I have to deal with credit card companies, video rental stores and people not giving me the information I need. I suppose that’s not a bad thing, but I really can’t stand my emotions sometimes because I feel like I should be just a rational being, logically making my cases.

One example of how I let my emotions sinfully get in the way:

I received a call from the video store this morning saying that I have 3 movies still due.  I know I returned them on Monday, when they were due.  I know the store doesn’t open until 10, but I thought if there was an employee there to pick up the phone, it might be easier to do before it opens.  I call at 9:15, and a man politely answers.  I tell him the deal, and then…

Polite Video Store Dude: We don’t open until 10.

Me (rudely, if I do say so myself): I thought if you could answer the phone you could help me.

Polite Video Store Dude: It’d be rude not to pick up the phone.

Me: Not as rude as not helping me when you answer the phone. [Yikes...did I really say that???]  Never mind, I’ll call back.

It’s not bad enough that I was rude to someone on the phone, I know this dude.  The store is within walking distance of my house, and I’m always going there.  I have rappor with the guys that work there.  When I call back in a few minutes, he’s going to know it’s the same person, and I’m going to have to give him my name, so now he’ll know who was being rude to him.

He wasn’t even the problem.  Though I don’t know why he would answer the phone if he couldn’t help someone, he wasn’t the one who didn’t check in my movies (okay maybe it was, but I don’t know that).  He wasn’t the one who didn’t send me the right information to complete this grant application.  He wasn’t the one who is not answering the phone when I call them (quite the opposite, actually).  Yet I took out my frusteration on him.

Though my emotions were out of hand, that wasn’t the full problem.  I allowed my emotions to rule me.  They ain’t king, so why do I let them be?  That doesn’t mean that my emotions should be ignored or suppressed, but they should be placed under self-control and in proper relationship to God.

Today’s verse: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” – Psalm 46:1, NASU

Definitely helps me put things into perspective.

If you grew up going to church, or even just around those who did, there are a couple verses that you know.  The first is John 3:16, and the second is John 11:35.

What?  You don’t know John 11:35?  Well, you might not know it by its reference, but it’s the shortest verse in the Bible: “Jesus wept.”

It may be short (and it’s definitely that), but I find it extremely comforting.  In context, John is describing Jesus’s reaction to seeing one dear friend distraught and another dead and buried.  Sure, the passage is about Jesus’s power over death (and really that’s extremely comforting too!), but there’s something more there that’s important.

Jesus had and showed emotions.  For an emotional girl like me (boy stuff alone leaves me emotional, and that’s on top of the usual emotional triggers of finances, stress, friendships, and families) that’s very reassuring.  Jesus understands.  He might not know experientially what it’s like to have the boy you like not give you the time of day, but He knows what it’s like to suffer and love and support friends who are suffering, things that are way beyond my own personal experience.

A few randoms on this Monday morning:

1.  The more I hang out with preteen girls, the more I realize that they’re not all that much different than me and my friends.  We all love to sit around, laugh, talk about boys, watch movies, and eat junk food.

2.  It’s amazing how much one little conversation can throw you off emotionally.  And just when the pendulum about hit equilibrium…I guess I learned nothing from physics.

3.  Stretching and working out definitely has taken away my back pain.  If only I had known that earlier.

4.  As far as I have come in my walk with God (and only that by His grace), I have so much farther to go.

5.  I crave ice cream when it’s cold, but it’s more enjoyable when it’s warmer.

6.  There’s so much suffering in this world, and I’ve seen almost none of it.

Another week closer to graduating, another trip down memory lane. This week’s destination: high school. Good ole 9th grade.

I’ve always been and always will be a nerd. Today I’m more interested in literature and politics, but back in the day I was really into math and science (still like the subjects, but I’ve kinda moved away from them). So, when Boyfriend-at-the-Time wanted to try out for Science Olympiad, a school science competition team of 15 competitors, I went with him.

Though we were in high school, the 9th graders got to compete on the middle school team. I went, made the team, and decided to join the team. Boyfriend-at-the-Time either didn’t make it or dropped out, probably the latter. We broke up not long after that, but I definitely didn’t mind being on the team without him. That’s where I got to know My-Next-Boyfriend too, and compete awkwardly beside him the next two years after we broke up.

The thing is, my middle school’s Science Olympiad team was really good. The several years before I joined, they had won regionals, won state, and went on to nationals. Everything was in place for us to do the same.

We flew through regionals and went on to state. Only the 1st place team was guaranteed to go to nationals, and sometimes the 2nd place team got to go, too. Though all the individual event medals are awarded separately to large schools and small schools, the all-around team medals were given to the best teams, regardless of their size. We were a large school, but our biggest competition came from a small school.

We appeared to be neck-and-neck going into the all-around awards, and we were about jumping out of our seats with nervousness when they started awarding the team medals. Third place…not us or our biggest competition. Second place…not us or our biggest competition. First place…us! We were so excited, especially since that meant that we were getting to go to nationals in Michigan, with days off school, free travel, and a lot of fun and studying (hey, we were nerds). We also found out we would be joined by the second place team.

After all the celebration was done, we went home with pleasant dreams of all the fun to be had in the coming weeks. I’ll never forget where I was the next day when I got the call, in our garden. It was from our team’s coach. She called to say that they forgot to include the small teams when considering the best team all-around. Not only were we not in first, but we were not in second. We had gotten 3rd place and were not going to get to go to the national competition.

Despite the disappointment, I went ahead and competed the next three years in our high school’s Science Olympiad team. Though we went to nationals each of those years (to Chicago, Spokane, and Colorado Springs) and I won two 4th place individual medals (man, it’s a rush to realize that you’re the 4th best high school in the nation, at anything), those celebrations weren’t as big because each time we were afraid that our win would be taken away from us.

Other school day memories:

Kindergarten and First Grade: Kisses and Skunks
3rd grade: Childhood Games and Railroad Ties Don’t Mix
4th grade: Watching Whales
7th Grade: Teacher Review
8th Grade: 100 Marble Pick Up
College Senior Year: Why Procrastination Might Not Be My Thing

Time for an update on many different things, with a few new things sprinkled in.

1. I’m already behind on the school year. No professor would say that, but I’m saying that. I’m not where I would like to be when it comes to reading for my classes. I read about 40 pages this weekend and that’s it. I would have preferred to have read 200 or 300. But I focused on other responsibilities, so I’ll take what I can get.

2. I was writing a reply email at work, and I had to type the “RE:” in front of the subject (I can’t do a usual reply for a complicated reason that isn’t worth explaining). The original subject was “forms needed for the filing season,” referring to the tax season (yes, we, or really the IRS, is thinking ahead). I accidently typed “re” rather than “RE:” so the new subject was “reforms needed for the filing season.” If only THAT was the topic of the tax discussion, hehe.

3. The swinging pendulum that I call my emotional state is no longer swinging quite to high. I got some good sleep in this weekend as well as some downtime, both of which helped. Hanging out with friends definitely doesn’t hurt, either.

4. It’s not that I hate being single, but the desire to be married never really goes away. I look at my life and I realize how completely blessed I am, but sadly, sometimes I want more. But I believe that the desire to be a wife and mother is a God-given desire, and one day He will fulfill it if He so chooses. And if He doesn’t, He will bless me in other ways. He is good, and I trust Him.

5. I feel like I need a 5th thing to round out this post. Is there something that I need to update on or needs follow up?

Following a trend (AKA a meme), but I felt like it would be interesting. If not, sorry.

I AM … a daughter of the King.

I WANT… to get married and have children.

I HAVE … probably 4 times as many books now as when I came to seminary.

I WISH I COULD … go back and tell my teenaged self to get it together. There’s more important things in life than boys and academics.

I HATE … sin in my life. Or I wish I did more.

I FEAR … being single the rest of my life, but this is less and less of a big deal to me.

I HEAR … thunder. (Actually, I wrote “lightning” at first and realized that wasn’t quite right.)

I SEARCH … for the truth.

I DON’T THINK … John McCain has a real chance come November.

I REALLY … love my life, in spite of all the “I want” statements. I’m greatly blessed, and am learning to be content not in circumstances, but in Christ (Philippians 4).

I REGRET … several things I’ve said to people throughout the years.

I LOVE … my family more the more time we are apart.

I ACHE FOR … “the one.” Okay I don’t know if I believe in such nonsense, but I do desire a godly man to walk into my life in God’s timing.

I ALWAYS CRY … (wait, how am I supposed to finish this? it looks complete the way it is!) when someone else is crying.

I AM NOT … a procrastinator.

I DANCE … when no one’s looking.

I SING … to the radio at the top of my lungs when I’m driving home from work.

I NEVER … expect of others as much as I expect of myself.

I RARELY … go to bed early (I’d much rather sleep late!).

I CRY WHEN I WATCH … Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, AKA the crying movie. I haven’t even dared to see the second in the theater.

I AM NOT ALWAYS … obsessed with boys! Really!

I HATE THAT … I’ve mentioned my desire to marry so many times in this. It makes me feel vulnerable (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it certainly isn’t a comfortable thing). I don’t want to be THAT girl who can’t live without a man.

I’M CONFUSED ABOUT … how to balance my desires and plans for the future.

I NEED … a hug now! Too many emotions!

I SHOULD … thank God more for His abudant blessings.

You all blessed me. I did not write yesterday’s post to solicit compliments or receive encouragement, but you all delivered. I hadn’t even realized that people would comment the way they did. God knew I needed it. This week is an emotional one, that’s for sure. School is starting and I’m reconnecting with a couple good friends. Another good friend is gone for the week, and that adds to the emotions. On more than one occassion I’ve almost forgotten my schedule (who needs to remember that class starts tomorrow anyway?) and what I need to do, which is not like me. That scares me. I sometimes surprise myself with how emotional I can be. I can’t believe I spent all those years denying that I was an emotional person!

For all those concerned that I need this rest, know that I did rest yesterday. I came home from work and immediately popped in 27 Dresses. Probably not a help to the whole emotion thing, but it was a good break. I also arranged to get together with a couple different friends later this week which will be nice.

Anyway, in the past I haven’t always been so aware of my emotions. Not that I think that I’m all that aware now, but I’m better than I used to be. To me, it’s important to understand what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling in order to not let them take control of me. I had the tendency to keep the feelings inside and would lie to myself and to others saying I wasn’t emotional. But then it would get too much and I would explode. One infamous time (just ask my parents!) was when I bawled about not remembering my shoes when going home for Christmas. Umm, yeah, that’s worth crying over.

Breaks like this keep me from letting the emotion and stress get too much for me. Thanks for encouraging me and reminding me to enjoy the rest! Oh, and I can’t help but notice the irony in that my first class that starts tomorrow is “Counseling Individuals with Problematic Emotions.” Comes just in time, don’t you think?

I know this a title of a recent Fergie song, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I can’t comment on it since I really don’t know what the song’s about. (I just ended both of those sentences with prepositions…yes!)

Last night I was babysitting for some dear friends. Shortly after putting her to bed, their 7-year-old daughter, “Abby,” came out and clearly had been crying.

After I made her younger brother go back to bed (who had to check out why his sister was not in her bed when he had to be), I asked her what was the matter. After I asked her twice, she said, “Oh, all right,” and settled in on my lap.

Abby went on to tell me that she was crying for her mom and dad, but was embarrassed because she’s 7 and shouldn’t cry. After all, big girls don’t cry.

I assured her that even adults cry, and that I cry all the time. (Okay, maybe not ALL the time, but that’s not the point.) I assured her that it’s okay to cry, as long as you aren’t doing it for the wrong reasons, like to get what you want or out of selfishness.

This is a lesson I’ve had to teach myself in the last 6 or 7 years. I didn’t use to want to cry because it showed weakness. Guess what, I am weak. That’s why I need a strong Savior.

Actually, I cry because I’m an emotional creature. That’s how God created me. As a woman, I’m particularly sensitive to the suffering of others. Most often, I cry because someone else is crying, or they are sharing with me their hurt.

Do big girls cry? Yes, this one does. And I’m okay with that.