“…and Elfride felt it would be absurd to turn her little mare’s head the other way [back home]. ‘Still,’ she thought, ‘if I had a mamma at home I would go back!’

“And making one of those stealthy movements by which women let their hearts juggle with their brains, she did put the horse’s head about, as if unconsciously, and went at a hand-gallop towards home for more than a mile. By this time, fromthe inveterate habit of valuing what we have renounced directly the alternative is chosen, the thought of her forsaken Stephen recalled her, and she turned about, and cantered to St. Launce’s again.

“This miserable strife of thought now began to rage in all its wildness. Overwrought and trembling, she dropped the rein upon Pansy’s shoulders, and vowed she would be led whither the horse should take her….

“She was impatient. It seemed as if Pansy would never stop drinking; and the repose of the pool, and the idle motions of the insects and flies upon it, the placid waving of the flags, the leaf-skeletons, like Genoese filigree, placidly sleeping at the bottom, by their contrast with her own turmoil made her impatience greater.

“Pansy did turn at last, and went up the slope again to the high-road. The pony came upon it, and stood crosswise, looking up and down. Elfride’s heart throbbed erratically, and she thought, ‘Horses, if left to themselves, make for where they are best fed. Pansy will go home.’

“Pansy turned and walked on toward St. Launce’s.

“Pansy at home, during summer, had a little but grass to live on. After a run to St. Launce’s she always had a feed of corn to support her on the return journey. Therefore, being now more than half way, she preferred St. Launce’s.

“But Elfride did not remember this now. All she cared to recognize was a dreamy fancy that to-day’s rash action was not her own. She was disabled by her moods, and it seemed indispensable to adhere to the programme. So strangely involved are motives that, more than by her promise to Stephen, more even than by her love, she was forced on by a sense of the necessity of keeping faith with herself, as promised in the inane vow of ten minutes ago.”
p. 109-110

What makes this book so remarkable to me is the amount that I relate to the main character, Elfride. She is moved by her emotions, prone to rash decisions, and very unwise at times, yet I’ve never identified with any other character as much as I have with her. There are many characters that I’ve wanted to be: such as Mary Anne (The Babysitter’s Club), Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice), and Jo (Little Women), but I didn’t actually see myself in these characters. Yet this immature, emotionally Elfride (an ugly name, too!) I relate to!

Oh, and just in case you care, Elfride gets all the way to London and decides to back out of the elopement, which creates the possibility of scandal later when she wants to marry another man, Knight.

Originally posted 7-9-2007

In the last five years, there have been some crazy big things happen in my life. In each situation, I was surprised with my reaction, so I guess I’ve learned about myself–and most certainly God–in each of these situations.

1. The apartment fire in 2007. While it was a small fire, the response to it was something that overwhelmed me. To see the overwhelming outpouring of blessings come our way was incredible. In the end, every ruined possession was replaced and every surviving item was moved at no expense to us.

2. November 2009. While I couldn’t blog what all was going on back then (in part because I was in Turkey during the depths of it and in part because other people’s secrets are wrapped up in it), I can share that it was the darkest place I’ve ever been emotionally. While there was also much humor then as well, it was a time I had to rely most heavily on God.

3. April 2011. Of course the pneumonia/tornado/babysitting/end-of-tax-season confluence of events makes this list.

4. My brother’s wedding. I thought this would be a super emotional time, but it turned out much different than I expected when I woke up 10 hours before the wedding, throwing up.

5. Not making it home in time for Christmas 2008. With my then brother’s girlfriend in the hospital as well, it was a holiday my family won’t soon forget.

How gracious God is that these events were well spread out over the 5 years!

“Oh, who knows, it might turn out to be a blessing in disguise.”
The disguise is very convincing.” – Vanity Fair

“I don’t understand why some kids git a good school and mother and father and some don’t.” – Push by Sapphire, p. 139

“It matters not what you fight but what you fight for.” – Mouseguard, Fall 1152 by David Petersen

“It is easy to give way to thoughts, emotions, and desires that should no longer rule us, and easy to be more defined by our problems than by the grace of Christ.” – How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp, p. 117

“Who said I can’t be single and have to go out and mingle / Baby that’s not me, no, no” – “La La Land” performed by Demi Lovato

“It has nothing to do with the way she looks. It has everything to do with who she is.” – George Clooney on Julia Roberts being named People‘s Most Beautiful

“I shiver, thinking about how easy it is to be totally wrong about people – to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole, to see the cause and think it’s the effect or vice versa.” – Before the Fall by Lauren Oliver, p. 385

“Well, usually I learn more from my sheep htan from books,” he answered. – The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, p. 5

“It’s weird how much you can know about someone without knowing everything.  You’d think someday you’d come to the end of it.” – Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver, p. 96

“You can’t be mean to someone forever and then feel bad when she dies.” – Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver, p. 176

I, on the other hand, am a very cut-and-dried person. (Okay, I always thought it was “cut-and-dry” but a quick search of the internet seems to indicate it’s “dried.” Anyone know?)

Not that I don’t have and make my own messes…that’s another blog post altogether. (And doing a search of my blog seems to indicate that that is not something I talk about much.  Not surprising…who wants to talk about their sin?)

(And if I don’t keep interrupting myself with parenthetical thoughts, you might be able to follow what I’m trying to say.)

What I mean by saying I’m a cut-and-dried person is that I like to see the world in black and white.  Something’s right, or it’s not.

While I DO believe that most things are right or wrong in theory, in the field, things are muddier.

Just like all those physics problems that I’d do back in my college days.  They never were true to life, because they didn’t factor in things like wind resistance.  Game time decisions are hard to make, even after you’ve practiced play after play. (Ha! I used a physics metaphor and a sports metaphor back to back…and I’m a girl!)

I sometimes get myself in trouble when I rigidly apply my in-theory principles to the real world.  I am not in want of opinions.  Just ask, and I’ll tell you.  But I’m forgetting that real-life situations are always messier.  This isn’t physics class–we must account for things like emotions and motives, both of which are known to be messy.

So, while there may be one clear answer or solution, it might not be the first one that pops to my little head.  I’m still learning that there’s a difference between knowledge and wisdom…the second of which I still sorely lack.

Photo by Andy Field

Like I’m only moments away from discovering or being a part of something huge.

While I don’t know quite what to call this, it seems like a common human feeling.  I feel it when I listen to great music or see a movie with beautiful cinematography.  Even more, I sense it when I walk out into a wonderful spring day or admire one of the great physical wonders of our world.

I can’t help but think I have this feeling–that we have this feeling–as a reminder that we are a part of something bigger than ourselves.  That’s is not all about me, and that God has created me for a purpose.

A purpose that I’m only beginning to find out.

And once again, I feel like I’m on the verge.

Photo by Stuck in Customs

Looking back, it was a good month.  I got to spend time in the country I love and with people that I love.  Sure, I saw emotions deeper than I’ve ever felt, and through some hard personal times, but I believe I’ve grown through those times and am better prepared for adversity in the future.  Through it all, there WERE blessings upon blessings, and I’m incredibly thankful.

So now we can look forward to December.  Only a couple of weeks until my birthday, and then after that there’s Phantom, a few days with a good friend in Texas, and then some great time with the family.  It’s bound to be another fast month!

I wrote this post Monday afternoon, and a few hours later I reached my breaking point when the tears came.  It was during an emotional online conversation with a good friend and was such a relief.  She didn’t like to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I’m so thankful that she was. God is good.

Right now I’d say I was an 8.5 on a 10-point emotional scale, and have been for about a week.   I’m emotional for some reasons I can share (another post) and some others that I can’t (or at least won’t on a public blog!).

After weeks like these, I wonder how I ever thought I wasn’t emotional.  I was most certainly lying to myself, because I haven’t grown MORE emotional, just learned to express them in more constructive ways and not let them rule me (at least more often than before).

In the past, I’d be rather stoic until I had an unexpected, big, messy emotional explosion (my parents remind me often of my blowup over shoes in 2002).  I haven’t had one of those in years (not since The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was dubbed my “crying movie” in 2006), but I feel like I’m on the verge now.

Every time I want to cry, it’s not a good time (like on the bus or in a room full of people), and every time I could, the tears don’t come.  It’s not that I’m sad or depressed, really.  Or at least not exclusively so.  Strong emotions of any kind will bring me to tears.  I’m not exactly sure WHAT all I’m feeling, but I know that I’m teeming with all these different emotions.

Though it’s not necessarily fun to be emotional, I’m thankful for these emotions.  And that’s certainly something new.

Photo by laffy4k

One example of how I let my emotions sinfully get in the way:

I received a call from the video store this morning saying that I have 3 movies still due.  I know I returned them on Monday, when they were due.  I know the store doesn’t open until 10, but I thought if there was an employee there to pick up the phone, it might be easier to do before it opens.  I call at 9:15, and a man politely answers.  I tell him the deal, and then…

Polite Video Store Dude: We don’t open until 10.

Me (rudely, if I do say so myself): I thought if you could answer the phone you could help me.

Polite Video Store Dude: It’d be rude not to pick up the phone.

Me: Not as rude as not helping me when you answer the phone. [Yikes...did I really say that???]  Never mind, I’ll call back.

It’s not bad enough that I was rude to someone on the phone, I know this dude.  The store is within walking distance of my house, and I’m always going there.  I have rappor with the guys that work there.  When I call back in a few minutes, he’s going to know it’s the same person, and I’m going to have to give him my name, so now he’ll know who was being rude to him.

He wasn’t even the problem.  Though I don’t know why he would answer the phone if he couldn’t help someone, he wasn’t the one who didn’t check in my movies (okay maybe it was, but I don’t know that).  He wasn’t the one who didn’t send me the right information to complete this grant application.  He wasn’t the one who is not answering the phone when I call them (quite the opposite, actually).  Yet I took out my frusteration on him.

Though my emotions were out of hand, that wasn’t the full problem.  I allowed my emotions to rule me.  They ain’t king, so why do I let them be?  That doesn’t mean that my emotions should be ignored or suppressed, but they should be placed under self-control and in proper relationship to God.

Today’s verse: “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” – Psalm 46:1, NASU

Definitely helps me put things into perspective.

What?  You don’t know John 11:35?  Well, you might not know it by its reference, but it’s the shortest verse in the Bible: “Jesus wept.”

It may be short (and it’s definitely that), but I find it extremely comforting.  In context, John is describing Jesus’s reaction to seeing one dear friend distraught and another dead and buried.  Sure, the passage is about Jesus’s power over death (and really that’s extremely comforting too!), but there’s something more there that’s important.

Jesus had and showed emotions.  For an emotional girl like me (boy stuff alone leaves me emotional, and that’s on top of the usual emotional triggers of finances, stress, friendships, and families) that’s very reassuring.  Jesus understands.  He might not know experientially what it’s like to have the boy you like not give you the time of day, but He knows what it’s like to suffer and love and support friends who are suffering, things that are way beyond my own personal experience.

1.  The more I hang out with preteen girls, the more I realize that they’re not all that much different than me and my friends.  We all love to sit around, laugh, talk about boys, watch movies, and eat junk food.

2.  It’s amazing how much one little conversation can throw you off emotionally.  And just when the pendulum about hit equilibrium…I guess I learned nothing from physics.

3.  Stretching and working out definitely has taken away my back pain.  If only I had known that earlier.

4.  As far as I have come in my walk with God (and only that by His grace), I have so much farther to go.

5.  I crave ice cream when it’s cold, but it’s more enjoyable when it’s warmer.

6.  There’s so much suffering in this world, and I’ve seen almost none of it.