Ignorant Historian

Time for an update on many different things, with a few new things sprinkled in.

1. I’m already behind on the school year. No professor would say that, but I’m saying that. I’m not where I would like to be when it comes to reading for my classes. I read about 40 pages this weekend and that’s it. I would have preferred to have read 200 or 300. But I focused on other responsibilities, so I’ll take what I can get.

2. I was writing a reply email at work, and I had to type the “RE:” in front of the subject (I can’t do a usual reply for a complicated reason that isn’t worth explaining). The original subject was “forms needed for the filing season,” referring to the tax season (yes, we, or really the IRS, is thinking ahead). I accidently typed “re” rather than “RE:” so the new subject was “reforms needed for the filing season.” If only THAT was the topic of the tax discussion, hehe.

3. The swinging pendulum that I call my emotional state is no longer swinging quite to high. I got some good sleep in this weekend as well as some downtime, both of which helped. Hanging out with friends definitely doesn’t hurt, either.

4. It’s not that I hate being single, but the desire to be married never really goes away. I look at my life and I realize how completely blessed I am, but sadly, sometimes I want more. But I believe that the desire to be a wife and mother is a God-given desire, and one day He will fulfill it if He so chooses. And if He doesn’t, He will bless me in other ways. He is good, and I trust Him.

5. I feel like I need a 5th thing to round out this post. Is there something that I need to update on or needs follow up?

Following a trend (AKA a meme), but I felt like it would be interesting. If not, sorry.

I AM … a daughter of the King.

I WANT… to get married and have children.

I HAVE … probably 4 times as many books now as when I came to seminary.

I WISH I COULD … go back and tell my teenaged self to get it together. There’s more important things in life than boys and academics.

I HATE … sin in my life. Or I wish I did more.

I FEAR … being single the rest of my life, but this is less and less of a big deal to me.

I HEAR … thunder. (Actually, I wrote “lightning” at first and realized that wasn’t quite right.)

I SEARCH … for the truth.

I DON’T THINK … John McCain has a real chance come November.

I REALLY … love my life, in spite of all the “I want” statements. I’m greatly blessed, and am learning to be content not in circumstances, but in Christ (Philippians 4).

I REGRET … several things I’ve said to people throughout the years.

I LOVE … my family more the more time we are apart.

I ACHE FOR … “the one.” Okay I don’t know if I believe in such nonsense, but I do desire a godly man to walk into my life in God’s timing.

I ALWAYS CRY … (wait, how am I supposed to finish this? it looks complete the way it is!) when someone else is crying.

I AM NOT … a procrastinator.

I DANCE … when no one’s looking.

I SING … to the radio at the top of my lungs when I’m driving home from work.

I NEVER … expect of others as much as I expect of myself.

I RARELY … go to bed early (I’d much rather sleep late!).

I CRY WHEN I WATCH … Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, AKA the crying movie. I haven’t even dared to see the second in the theater.

I AM NOT ALWAYS … obsessed with boys! Really!

I HATE THAT … I’ve mentioned my desire to marry so many times in this. It makes me feel vulnerable (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it certainly isn’t a comfortable thing). I don’t want to be THAT girl who can’t live without a man.

I’M CONFUSED ABOUT … how to balance my desires and plans for the future.

I NEED … a hug now! Too many emotions!

I SHOULD … thank God more for His abudant blessings.

You all blessed me. I did not write yesterday’s post to solicit compliments or receive encouragement, but you all delivered. I hadn’t even realized that people would comment the way they did. God knew I needed it. This week is an emotional one, that’s for sure. School is starting and I’m reconnecting with a couple good friends. Another good friend is gone for the week, and that adds to the emotions. On more than one occassion I’ve almost forgotten my schedule (who needs to remember that class starts tomorrow anyway?) and what I need to do, which is not like me. That scares me. I sometimes surprise myself with how emotional I can be. I can’t believe I spent all those years denying that I was an emotional person!

For all those concerned that I need this rest, know that I did rest yesterday. I came home from work and immediately popped in 27 Dresses. Probably not a help to the whole emotion thing, but it was a good break. I also arranged to get together with a couple different friends later this week which will be nice.

Anyway, in the past I haven’t always been so aware of my emotions. Not that I think that I’m all that aware now, but I’m better than I used to be. To me, it’s important to understand what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling in order to not let them take control of me. I had the tendency to keep the feelings inside and would lie to myself and to others saying I wasn’t emotional. But then it would get too much and I would explode. One infamous time (just ask my parents!) was when I bawled about not remembering my shoes when going home for Christmas. Umm, yeah, that’s worth crying over.

Breaks like this keep me from letting the emotion and stress get too much for me. Thanks for encouraging me and reminding me to enjoy the rest! Oh, and I can’t help but notice the irony in that my first class that starts tomorrow is “Counseling Individuals with Problematic Emotions.” Comes just in time, don’t you think?

I never wrote a 100 things post for my 100th post so I thought that I’d do so now as a part of my 200th post! It also goes conveniently with NaBloPoMo Lists.

1. I was born in good ole Wichita, Kansas.

2. Recently I was asked what there is to see in Kansas. I couldn’t think of even one thing.

3. Regardless, I think there is nothing prettier than a Kansas wheat field at harvest time as the sun is setting.

4. I went to college at the University of Oklahoma (Boomer! Sooner!).

5. My brother’s dog is named Boomer. It was the name that he had when he picked him up from the Humane Society. I attribute the fact that he didn’t change his name to his love of his sister and her school.

6. I got a degree in history with a minor in Spanish.

7. I would have been fluent in Spanish if only I opened my mouth and used it more.

8. I still know a lot of Spanish, but it is sadly fading. Something to work on, to be sure.

9. While at OU, I lived in the dorms all 4 years. This is where many of my favorite memories happened.

10. I also have many memories related to the Baptist Student Union, which was a big part of my life.

11. My college roommate, Dana, and I still meet up about 3 times a year though I live in NC and she lives in Texas.

12. I’ve lived in North Carolina for over 2 1/2 years.

13. The hardest things to get used to were the hills and the trees. North Carolina makes up for what Kansas lacks in these areas.

14. My relationship with Jesus Christ is the main focus of my life, or at least I work at making it that.

15. I started following Christ when I was 10.

16. I had a renewed interest in pursuing the things of the Lord and really grew in my walk with the Lord in college.

17. When I was a junior in college, I started considering pursuing further Christian training by going to seminary.

18. What sealed the deal for me was hearing someone say at a conference that if you are single and able, you should consider a seminary education.

19. I work at a company that does financial education and credit counseling.

20. I started out as a secretary, but now am a “development associate.”

21. I basically do whatever no one else wants to do.

22. Right now that means doing a lot of tax returns

23. I attend seminary, where I’m getting a masters in Christian Ministry.

24. I will not be a preacher.

25. I graduate in December.

26. I’m taking a hard load of classes this semester: Old Testament, New Testament, Baptist history, and philosophy.

27. I enjoy philosophy the most, because it makes me think.

28. I don’t know what I’ll be doing when I graduate, but right now I plan on staying in the Raleigh area, working to pay off school debt.

29. I attend an awesome church which is the main reason I’m not in a hurry to leave this area.

30. Working with the older girls in Awana is the highlight of my week.

31. Each week is exciting and different, but I enjoy the challenges and the triumphs.

32. I also love the adults at church and have enjoyed getting to know many of the ladies.

33. I want to be like several of them when I grow up.

34. My parents were very young when they had me (22), so they are still young.

35. My brother is only a year and a half younger than me, so of course he’s young too.

36. He got his first job before me (by only a few weeks) and has gotten his first real job before me, too.

37. My favorite colors are blue and brown, though I also like purple and green.

38. My room is decorated in hot pink, but not for much longer.

39. I love to read.

40. Nineteenth century Russian literature is my favorite sub-genre.

41. I also like British works such as Tom Jones and anything by Charles Dickens or Jane Austen.

42. I’ve yet to find an American author I can enjoy in the same way, though Edith Wharton comes close.

43. I’m also not as much a fan of more recent writing.

44. I also enjoy a good movie.

45. I love romantic comedies (especially those with Hugh Grant).

46. My favorite movies are the Pirates trilogy, the Ocean’s trilogy, and Mansfield Park.

47. Thanks to my new schedule, my best hours for getting work/studying done are between 7 and 10 in the morning and 7 and 10 in the evening.

48. I’m not overly creative, but I like to think that I have an “eye” for things.

49. I’m actually not a horrible drawer like I used to think I was, but I do have to look at a picture/drawing of something in order to draw it.

50. Unless it’s a person, and then you can forget it.

51. Growing up, I played piano for 4 years, clarinet for 8 years, marimba for 4 years, and tenor sax for 2.

52. I haven’t forgotten how to read music, but when I’m working with the boys I babysit, I forget the names for the various things. I just remember what they mean.

53. Though I’ve focused my studies on history and theology, I actually have more natural talent for math and science.

54. I quit pursuing math when I was taking linear algebra and realized that I would totally be okay without taking another math class again.

55. As much as I loved math, I never thought I’d reach that point.

56. Then I realized that I could be just as passionate about history as I was about math.

57. But not just as good.

58. I tended to get B’s in history in college, and that trend has continued in seminary.

59. My favorite history classes were South American colonial history, colonial (U.S.) America, and the Civil War.

60. I especially loved the fact that we never studied the goings-on of the battles in Civil War history. That would have been boring.

61. My favorite seminary classes were my church history classes (makes sense, doesn’t it?) and biblical counseling.

62. The biblical counseling has totally changed my walk with God as well as how I approach problems in my life and the lives of those around me.

63. I have a melancholy choleric temperament, if you know what that means.

64. I’m an INTJ on the Myers-Briggs.

65. I like to say that I could live as a hermit, just me, my books, and a pen and paper, but after about a day like that I get kinda lonely.

66. One of my greatest desires right now is to have a reading chair with ottoman in my room.

67. This will require me to have a larger room, which I’m working on.

68. Via apartment hunting, not construction.

69. I also have a strong aversion to overhead lights.

70. Especially florescent lights.

71. I’ve been called a vampire because of my preference for low light.

72. To me, it’s just more homey.

73. I’m a compolsive email checker.

74. I also am very faithful to checking the snail mail (though only once a day).

75. I cry easily and at any emotion.

76. Most often I cry from laughing too hard.

77. When I’m upset, I have a hard time expressing myself because of the tears.

78. Occassionally I cry for no reason at all.

79. Other times, I want to cry but can’t.

80. I struggle with pride in my own accomplishments and abilities, as if I somehow earned them.
81. “But may it never be that I would boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.” – Galatians 6:4, NASU

82. I love to laugh and play games, especially Mafia, Apples to Apples, ImagineIff, and this Pictionary/telephone game that I learned in Turkey.

83. I don’t like games like King Elephant, Calling All Vegtables, and Hide ‘n’ Seek.

84. I love to write and receive letters, but tend to not make time for it as much as I should.

85. I don’t like surprises and prefer to open a gift when the giver isn’t watching…I don’t do a good job of expressing my appreciation on my face.

86. I don’t like cut flowers, but do enjoy them in the garden.

87. Fresh cut grass makes me sneeze.

88. I was crazy afraid of all non-human faces as a child: toys that moved, animals, and people in costumes or masks.

89. I still don’t like any of those much.

90. Because I was so scared of animals as a child, I never realized until about a year ago that I’m allergic to cats.

91. Which is sad, because cats are about the only animals I can tolerate.

92. I prefer summer to winter.

93. I prefer Diet Dr. Pepper to any other drink.

94. I love Coldstone, particularly cake batter ice cream with chocolate chips.

95. I used to be militant in calling soft drinks “pop,” but anymore you’ll more likely hear “soda” come out of my mouth.

96. I’m trying to learn that my way is not always the best one.

97. I have more interests than I have time.

98. I prefer my room to be neat and orderly, but don’t care much if it’s clean.

99. I’m not sure I’ve dusted more than once since moving in in September.

100. I make my bed everyday as the first thing I do.

Whoa, that was way harder than it looked! I hope that gave you some insight into who I am!

Days like today make me wish I didn’t have emotions. Don’t get me wrong, I like them most of the time, but I really struggle when I’m feeling melancholy with no identifiable reason. I have to really fight to be thankful and to seek God rather than wallow in thoughts of me, though this isn’t always something I’m good at.

I am thankful that my emotions don’t change my standing with God or dictate how I must behave. I’m in control regardless of what my feelings are telling me to do. I don’t have to act on them. I shouldn’t pretend they don’t exist, but neither do I have to let them take center stage. If I allow what I feel to control me, I am no longer allowing Christ to have the throne.

No worries, there’s nothing really going on here. I just had to share the bad times with the good. Not that there’s anything bad about going through an emotional down; it makes it much easier to look up to Christ for my salvation and worth.

I know this a title of a recent Fergie song, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I can’t comment on it since I really don’t know what the song’s about. (I just ended both of those sentences with prepositions…yes!)

Last night I was babysitting for some dear friends. Shortly after putting her to bed, their 7-year-old daughter, “Abby,” came out and clearly had been crying.

After I made her younger brother go back to bed (who had to check out why his sister was not in her bed when he had to be), I asked her what was the matter. After I asked her twice, she said, “Oh, all right,” and settled in on my lap.

Abby went on to tell me that she was crying for her mom and dad, but was embarrassed because she’s 7 and shouldn’t cry. After all, big girls don’t cry.

I assured her that even adults cry, and that I cry all the time. (Okay, maybe not ALL the time, but that’s not the point.) I assured her that it’s okay to cry, as long as you aren’t doing it for the wrong reasons, like to get what you want or out of selfishness.

This is a lesson I’ve had to teach myself in the last 6 or 7 years. I didn’t use to want to cry because it showed weakness. Guess what, I am weak. That’s why I need a strong Savior.

Actually, I cry because I’m an emotional creature. That’s how God created me. As a woman, I’m particularly sensitive to the suffering of others. Most often, I cry because someone else is crying, or they are sharing with me their hurt.

Do big girls cry? Yes, this one does. And I’m okay with that.

“The love of girls is uncertain, capricious, and so foolish that we cannot always discover what the young lady would be at; nay, it may almost be doubted whether she always knows this herself.” – Henry Fielding, Tom Jones

Ah, so true. I love it when authors catch the very indecisiveness of my heart, and they aren’t even women.

Thankfully, I can’t be plagued by what I “feel” right now. There’s too much schoolwork to do!

Ronnica
NaBloPoMo, Day 12

I have nothing really to say and no particular reason to be happy, but here I am writing and smiling anyway. There are so many things for which to be thankful. I’m loving my classes which are sufficiently challenging and interesting. My team is winning which always feels good. I’m loving the time I spend with friends. I enjoy my jobs and my work with the children at church. I love that I’ll be getting to be involved with a care group there. God has blessed me in so many ways.

No wonder I’m smiling.

I was reading an article in a recent issue of Newsweek. The article was talking about how Steven Spielberg was getting back into the video game industry. His ideas were sounding pretty cool (though I haven’t played a video game in years, go figure), but then I got to a quote that made me rethink what the article was telling me.

The article quotes Spielberg saying, “The challenge is, can the game have an emotional impact on players while they are actively manipulating the world?”* Wow. The idea of one of his new games is that you have to build a relationship with the computer character in order to receive the most benefit from her skills. I find the idea that the game-designers’ intent is to impact you emotionally very troubling. No wonder more and more people are getting sucked into video games and alternate realities. They can feel “social” while doing that, even though they may merely be interacting with machines. This is the reason why I had to stop playing the Sims 2 a couple of years ago. I loved the game, but for all the wrong reasons. By exerting my control over the imaginary world, I was acting out my desire to be in control of my own.

I’m not trying to bash all video games. Certainly there are many that are fine to play. But just like any other activity, we have to be careful about our reasons for playing and determine if the activity is the most beneficial use of our time.

*”Wii Can’t Wait to Play,” by N’gai Croal in July 16, 2007 Newsweek, page 53.

I recently read Thomas Hardy’s A Pair of Blue Eyes. It a story about a young girl, Elfride, who falls in love with an equally young man in her youth and her father refused to allow them to be married because he is the son of commoners. She and the man, Stephen, decide to meet between her home and London where he lives to be married, which requires her to travel by horseback to St. Launce’s. As she starts out on her mare, she has second thoughts, which Hardy details beautifully:

“…and Elfride felt it would be absurd to turn her little mare’s head the other way [back home]. ‘Still,’ she thought, ‘if I had a mamma at home I would go back!’

And making one of those stealthy movements by which women let their hearts juggle with their brains, she did put the horse’s head about, as if unconsciously, and went at a hand-gallop towards home for more than a mile. By this time, from the inveterate habit of valuing what we have renounced directly the alternative is chosen, the thought of her forsaken Stephen recalled her, and she turned about, and cantered to St. Launce’s again.

This miserable strife of thought now began to rage in all its wildness. Overwrought and trembling, she dropped the rein upon Pansy’s shoulders, and vowed she would be led whither the horse should take her….

She was impatient. It seemed as if Pansy would never stop drinking; and the repose of the pool, and the idle motions of the insects and flies upon it, the placid waving of the flags, the leaf-skeletons, like Genoese filigree, placidly sleeping at the bottom, by their contrast with her own turmoil made her impatience greater.

Pansy did turn at last, and went up the slope again to the high-road. The pony came upon it, and stood crosswise, looking up and down. Elfride’s heart throbbed erratically, and she thought, ‘Horses, if left to themselves, make for where they are best fed. Pansy will go home.’

Pansy turned and walked on toward St. Launce’s.

Pansy at home, during summer, had a little but grass to live on. After a run to St. Launce’s she always had a feed of corn to support her on the return journey. Therefore, being now more than half way, she preferred St. Launce’s.

But Elfride did not remember this now. All she cared to recognize was a dreamy fancy that to-day’s rash action was not her own. She was disabled by her moods, and it seemed indispensable to adhere to the programme. So strangely involved are motives that, more than by her promise to Stephen, more even than by her love, she was forced on by a sense of the necessity of keeping faith with herself, as promised in the inane vow of ten minutes ago.”
p. 109-110

What makes this book so remarkable to me is the amount that I relate to the main character, Elfride. She is moved by her emotions, prone to rash decisions, and very unwise at times, yet I’ve never identified with any other character as much as I have with her. There are many characters that I’ve wanted to be: such as Mary Anne (The Babysitter’s Club), Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice), and Jo (Little Women), but I didn’t actually see myself in these characters. Yet this immature, emotionally Elfride (an ugly name, too!) I relate to!

Oh, and just in case you care, Elfride gets all the way to London and decides to back out of the elopement, which creates the possibility of scandal later when she wants to marry another man, Knight.