Ignorant Historian

Thanks to Jen for basically writing the last couple of paragraphs of this post. It’s humbling (and ironic) to not even know how to finish my thoughts on this subject.

I’m a woman of control.

Or at least that’s what I want.

My problem (okay, one of them) is that I think I know best.  About everything.  Not only do I think I know what’s best for those around me, I think I know what’s best for me, too.  Always have, just ask my mom.

The thing is, I don’t.  I might be blessed with worldly smarts, but I’m still sorely lacking in true wisdom.  As we’ve been walking through Solomon’s life in my kindergarten Sunday school class, we’ve been talking a lot about wisdom.  I think the best way to learn a concept is to have to try to explain it to a 5-year-old…there are so many concepts I can’t quite get across to them (glory, the Trinity).  If you ask them, I hope they can tell you that we’ve talked about how wisdom is knowing what is right and good.

The older I get (and in theory, the wiser I get), the more I realize that I’m like a 3 on a scale of 100 of possible human wisdom.  At most.

Last week I realized that I’m okay with my singleness as long as I in my earthly “wisdom” can decipher out a way out.  And as far as singleness goes, the way I want out is a man, a plan, and a ring by spring…or at least by next spring.

Hmm, that doesn’t sound like contentment to me.

Just shows me that I still demand control of my own life, my own future.  That I prefer my plans to whatever God has in store for me, as foolish as that is.  I know that God knows what’s best for me (He knows me better than myself!), but somehow I can’t get that to truly stick in my daydreaming head.

It’s times like this that I have to remind myself that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that the very hairs on my head are numbered (Matthew 10:30)–gray or not–and that before one day of my life came to pass, God ordained each of them (Psalm 139:16).  How foolish I am to think that I would know more than Him!  How can I know myself better than the one who knit me in my mother’s womb (v. 13)?

Moment by moment, I must make the choice to trust Him in His infinite wisdom.  I give Him the reigns one night, only to rip them back from him minutes, or at most, hours later.  It is only when I trust Him that I can truly find contentment.

God, help me remember that.

Photo by Drunken Monkey

Though I can hardly believe it’s that time again, Valentine’s Day is this weekend. Usually I’m more excited about it, but between the weddings and tax season I haven’t had a lot of time to think about it.

I know a lot of singles like to mope on this day. While that might sadly be me on other occasions, I have always enjoyed Valentine’s Day.  What’s not to love about a day full of chocolate, pink, flowers, and cards?  I love to use this time to show love for others: my family, my friends, and in particular, fellow single ladies.

Though I haven’t yet gotten into this season, I do hope to spend an extra few minutes loving others, and I hope you will to.  Have a great weekend!

Thankful for people cutting me slack

For obvious reasons, I’ve been thinking about weddings a lot.  Not about my own dream wedding, but about making that type of commitment to one man, for the rest of my life.

A former roommate (and current blog reader), Cindy, would have phrase she’d say when she’d come home from yet another of her friends’ weddings.  “The cheese stands alone.”  You know, from “Farmer in the Dell?”  Everyone else gets picked, but the cheese stands alone.

As much as there is  joy and happiness in seeing a good friend get married, there is some loneliness in being left behind.  We’re social creatures, and I believe that we’re designed for marriage.  That desire within me is good and right…as long as marriage stays in its place, not taking the throne of my heart.

I often say that I’m okay with being single, as long as I’m not the only one.  When I take the time to count my blessings instead of crying over my losses, I do realize that I have a sweet life now.  Many of my favorite things about my life would be changed if I were no longer single.  It seems like I have to remind myself over and over to enjoy them now while I have them.

But yet part of me worries about being the last one married (or never married at all).  What if all my friends get married?  They all want to be married, so of course I want that for them as well.  But selfishly, I want at least a couple of them to stay unmarried at least for as long as I am.

As my roommate rode with me on our way back from Georgia and heard me tell the story of what Cindy would say.  Her response?

“The cheeseS stand alone.”

Indeed.  Why do I worry about the possibility of being the only one of my friends still single?  That’s not where God has me yet, and may never have me.  And if that’s where He wants me, He’ll give me the grace to endure it.

So maybe the cheese doesn’t stand alone after all.

Photo by orangeacid

I thank God He’s given me food on my table in abundance.

I thank God that He’s given me family and friends who love me and show me more grace than I deserve.

I thank God for giving us quick travel that I may visit my family who’s over 1,000 miles away on this day.

I thank God for giving me not only a well-paying job in these times, but a job that I like.

I thank God for allowing me to be part of a church who, though not perfect, is seeking to grow together towards christlikeness.

Most of all, I thank God for giving His Son to save a wretch like me.

So happy Thanksgiving, and remember to thank God for the many blessings he’s given you…no matter how many or how few, they’re more than we deserve.

Photos by CarbonNYC, Julie McLeod,  aka Kath, me, Phillie Casablanca, and DrGBB

I wrote this post last week, and it’s not really where I’m at right now.  I had a wonderful time with my ABF class at church on Saturday which was exactly what I needed.  Still, I wanted to share what I’ve been through because I know there are others who are still there or will be there.

In the past week or so, I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness.  Not only is there the usual ache of walking alone on a path built for two, but there has been added emphasis on how alone I truly am through several unrelated incidents.

Perhaps it’s silly, but hearing from others about their loneliness makes me lonely.  Perhaps it’s what happens when you’re truly sharing one another’s burdens, you feel what they feel.  I’m glad to do it for friends, old or new.

Another thing that can (and has) made me lonely is to know that a crush won’t work out.  Not that I necessarily assume it will, but hopes disappointed always hurt, don’t they?

Then there’s the disappointments that can come from friendships.  Being sinful creatures, we’re bound to let each other down, aren’t we?

So, I just wanted to share that I’ve been lonely.  I know that I’m not the only one, so perhaps hearing my story will help someone else feel less lonely.  There is comfort in the loneliness, and for that I’m incredibly grateful.  I have friends and family who love me through this time.  But most of all, though, the comfort comes in the fact that this world won’t last forever.

And I can’t wait until the next.

Photo by JuriaYoshikawa

In 6 months, I’ve spent one night away from my apartment, and that was just to babysit overnight.  I enjoy being home, but I’m also a traveler at heart, so I’m starting to get restless.  Good timing too, because half of November and December (and a week of January!) will be spent elsewhere.  Here’s what I have coming up and has me so excited:

November 6-15 Turkey (a post with more on this is forthcoming)

November 26-30 Kansas for Thanksgiving with the family and my sister-in-law’s shower

December 15 My birthday, stuck in the middle of everything else!

December 17 Phantom of the Opera!  I’m going to have to borrow back my video so I can watch it again before then.

December 19-29 Kansas, Texas, and Kansas again.  I’m visiting family in Kansas for the holidays and spending some time in Texas with my college roommate and her niece.

January 8-10 Georgia (know I said that with a fake Southern drawl in my head) for April’s wedding (she was my first non-roommate friend here in North Carolina).  Just bought my dress for her wedding.  It looks like this, only navy:

Sorry it's a bad picture...we were in a hurry because the bride was waiting for a ride at the airport!

January 20-25 Kansas, for my baby brother’s wedding!

Once all that happens, it’ll be tax season in high gear for the next couple of months.  I’m glad everything worked out just like this…I think I’ll be ready to buckle down and get to work after all the traveling!

When I travel, I love to read.  Do you know of any good plane reads?

One day not too long ago, I looked around and saw I didn’t have very many friends.

I had noticed this situation for myself, but it came to my attention again when Jen, my friend who I spend the most time with, asked me who I share my problems with since she doesn’t hear about many from me.

In part, that’s because my life is quite problem- free (I have no idea how I was fortunate to have life so easy, though I’m not naive enough to think this will always be the case).  Another reason is that I think through problems/situations by writing, not talking them out.  Unless they’re something major, I don’t usually share them.  Other things that weigh on my heart are really other people’s situations…things I can’t really share.  But really, she’s hit on an important issue: I’m lacking in confidants.

I don’t mean this in any poor-poor-me way.  I have good friends.  In fact, I have GREAT friends.  I don’t feel like I lack people I can talk to or just be me with.  But, to be honest, there aren’t that many beyond a handful that I talk to with any regularity.  My circle is small.  In fact, it’s probably smaller than it has been at any point in my life.

I’ve never had a hard time making friends.  Every time I’m thrown in to a new situation, I come up with some pretty great buddies.  But somehow, when I left school last year (or maybe even before I left), I stopped making new friends.  My current friendships for the most part have continued to grow, and while the introvert within me is more-than-satisfied on this issue, I know that it isn’t enough.

So, with that, I’m in pursuit of a friend.  I’m going to try (I’m sure Jen will hold me to it!) to reach out to women that I want to know more, those whom I feel have a great deal of wisdom I could glean from.  I won’t know which acquaintances will turn into friends without trying, will I?

Photo by My Cute Ladybug Photography

A couple of weeks ago, Caity blogged about ideas for personal blogs.  Being a personal blog writer, I took note of several of her ideas.  One of her ideas was to write about your dream wedding.  Perfect follow up to yesterday’s pursuit of marriage, no?

Of course, the downside is that if a perspective husband reads my blog this week, I might come off as desperate.  Yet, yesterday’s post was the outworking of my inner wrestling, and today’s is just for fun.  I don’t spend much time thinking about that day, but of course I talk about it with my girlfriends from time to time.  I’ve also been thinking about it a bit more now that Riley and Amanda are tying the knot.

Given the fact that only one half of the couple in today’s simulation is known, absolutely nothing is set in stone (except for that half of the couple…I’m still planning MY dream wedding).

So here are my thoughts on how I’d want it to go down (in no particular order):

Groom: I have a few ideas, but I’ll keep them to myself.

Dress: Something flattering?  I guess that shouldn’t be a question.  I do want something flattering.  I think my bridesmaid dress is flattering, so maybe something like that.  Which, umm, I’ve never shown you a picture of.  So something like this (Amanda…isn’t this kinda like the other dress that I tried on?).  Not so much bead work, though.

Ring: I guess this would be figured out before the rest (well, except the groom!), but I’m kinda going out of order here, anyway.  Yellow gold, with a solitary diamond, maybe round.  Nothing fancy, and preferably not overly expensive. Something that looks like this.

Bridesmaids: If I got married today (uh, late notice, huh?) I would have 5 bridesmaids.  Scratch that…I wouldn’t, because they wouldn’t be able to all make it in time for me to get married today!  Regardless, I think they know who they are.  They’re some great ladies!

Their dresses would probably be lilac, because I’m obsessed with that color right now.  I always have liked periwinkle,  so that’s a strong possibility as well.  For sure, it wouldn’t be a shade of orange or red, but anything else could be fair game, theoretically (which this all is!).

Flowers: I LOVE flowers, but I’m not a fan of them off the plant, for whatever reason.  Probably, I’d keep this simple.  My favorites are tulips, but they’re so seasonal, so unless I time things right (and really, I’m not going to worry about this one!) I’d probably do something like single gerber daisies for my bridesmaids and a cluster of 3 for me.  Ooh, I can picture that…that’d be kinda cool!

Shoes: I’d strongly consider going barefoot.  I love heels, but I also love being barefoot.  Maybe my bridesmaids as well…but definitely not any of the men.  Men’s feet are ugly!

Location: in a church.  Though a marriage is a marriage no matter where the wedding ceremony, I like the symbolism of doing it under God’s roof, so to speak.  Though this would quite possibly be an issue with my family, I’d want to get married in my church, here in North Carolina.  Though I still consider Kansas home in many ways, I want my wedding vows witnessed by those who I’m asking to help me keep them.  I’m thinking my brother getting married closer to home may have paved the way for me to do this, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there…

Vows: Write our own.  Not trying to buck tradition for tradition’s sake, but I think that the vows I’ve heard at several friends’ weddings were scriptural and poignant, not trite.

Engagement: Short, unless providentially hindered.  Three-six months would be nice.

Reception: I always joke that I don’t want to go to mine, but will leave after the ceremony.  I can’t imagine what the backlash would be on that, though!  Seriously though, I’d go for more casual than elegant, more like a party than a ball.  No dancing.  No way.  (and no, it’s not b/c I go to a Baptist church…it’s because I can’t/won’t.  Except in the privacy of my bedroom.  Or the kitchen, when my roommate’s not home.)  Food would also be casual…snacky stuff, but lots of it.

Cost: As cheap as possible.  I know this is easier said than done, but there are few areas where I wouldn’t be willing to skimp.

Attendees: all of you! (Well, except you, creepy dude, who just stumbled onto this!)  Children would be welcome, for both the ceremony and reception, though I might have childcare available for the littlest ones during the ceremony so that my new-mom friends won’t have to excuse themselves halfway through.  I don’t plan on it being very long, though!

So, since this is all hypothetical, you don’t have to hold your tongue about the tacky decorations or the rap music I walked down to the aisle to (no, I wouldn’t).  Seriously  what do you think?  If you’re married, what’s one thing that you would have changed, if anything?

Though I’m nerdy and fairly girly (in the hate-spiders-love-skirts-and-pink-and-flowers kinda way), I love college football.  Nothing new, I know, but it hasn’t always been that way.  I clearly remember thinking football was barbaric and nonsensical.

When offered season tickets prior to my freshman year at OU, I scoffed, thinking I’d never want to go to such things.  It was the year after our last national championship  (7 total, but who’s counting?) and we had a fab young coach, so our campus was all abuzz about the new season.  It seemed like everyone but me was into it, but I still thought it was stupid.

Fortunately, I had upperclassman friends who taught me the lay of the land, and besides teaching me that tests actually do require studying, they took me to a football game if only for the experience.  To be honest, I couldn’t even tell you who we were playing that first game, but it was some small team.  And you know what?  I liked it.

After that, I got tickets for the OU-K-State game.  Being from Kansas, I never liked those purple cats, so I was excited to see us beat them (that was when they were good, too).  That sealed it…I absolutely loved being a part of Oklahoma Sooner football.

Though another national championship wasn’t going to happen that year (or the next, or the next…maybe THIS year is our year?), I fell in love.  When we lost to Nebraska late in the season, it was my first experience at disappointment (which I’ve experienced many times since).

So, with that in mind, I’m excited for another year of Sooner football, my 9th as a fan (which means it’s the 9th season since our last national championship!).  Boomer Sooner!