Ignorant Historian

Have you ever written a letter to your future self?  I’ve done that several times, but I always remember to open them in time, not being as excited about them as I was when I wrote them.  I figured I might as well write this letter here as I’m much more likely to see it!

Dear Ronnica 2015,

Let’s not fool anyone…this is a tad bit ridiculous before an audience.  Reminds me of times when I’ve had to practice a speech before an audience of one.  Let’s try to put that silliness aside.

I have no idea what your life is like, Ronnica 2015.  Perhaps your life is closer to my dream future or my practically planned future, but more likely it’s something/somewhere I never thought I’d be.  After all, my 2005 self would have laughed at where I am today (and my 2000 self even more so).

If you are married or have kids, don’t take that for granted.  Remember well how much you longed for those things when you were me.  While I no doubt have no idea the trials that come with life as a wife and mother, I do know that deep inside of me, that’s what I desire.  Just as I work now to be content where God’s placed me, work to be content where God has placed you.

And if you’re still single, I know you’re handling it.  I have so much still to learn about how to honor God in my single life, and how to balance all the many areas I want to grow in.  Hopefully you’re excelling at that better than I am.  I hope that you have many more days that you are content than nights that you are not.

Don’t be afraid to love.  Hey, I could be writing this for my today self.  I know our tendency to be reserved when it comes to friendships.  It’s okay to put yourself out there…even if you get hurt.  Seek to love others (through word AND deed) as you’d want to be loved yourself.

Though no doubt our interests aren’t quite the same, keep learning.  There is so much to know and so much wisdom to be gained.  Learn from those who go before us and seek wisdom at God’s mercy seat.  Even though you’re 5 years further down the road than I, I know you have so much more room to grow.

Truthfully,

Ronnica 2010

Photo by Muffet

Thanks to Jen for basically writing the last couple of paragraphs of this post. It’s humbling (and ironic) to not even know how to finish my thoughts on this subject.

I’m a woman of control.

Or at least that’s what I want.

My problem (okay, one of them) is that I think I know best.  About everything.  Not only do I think I know what’s best for those around me, I think I know what’s best for me, too.  Always have, just ask my mom.

The thing is, I don’t.  I might be blessed with worldly smarts, but I’m still sorely lacking in true wisdom.  As we’ve been walking through Solomon’s life in my kindergarten Sunday school class, we’ve been talking a lot about wisdom.  I think the best way to learn a concept is to have to try to explain it to a 5-year-old…there are so many concepts I can’t quite get across to them (glory, the Trinity).  If you ask them, I hope they can tell you that we’ve talked about how wisdom is knowing what is right and good.

The older I get (and in theory, the wiser I get), the more I realize that I’m like a 3 on a scale of 100 of possible human wisdom.  At most.

Last week I realized that I’m okay with my singleness as long as I in my earthly “wisdom” can decipher out a way out.  And as far as singleness goes, the way I want out is a man, a plan, and a ring by spring…or at least by next spring.

Hmm, that doesn’t sound like contentment to me.

Just shows me that I still demand control of my own life, my own future.  That I prefer my plans to whatever God has in store for me, as foolish as that is.  I know that God knows what’s best for me (He knows me better than myself!), but somehow I can’t get that to truly stick in my daydreaming head.

It’s times like this that I have to remind myself that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that the very hairs on my head are numbered (Matthew 10:30)–gray or not–and that before one day of my life came to pass, God ordained each of them (Psalm 139:16).  How foolish I am to think that I would know more than Him!  How can I know myself better than the one who knit me in my mother’s womb (v. 13)?

Moment by moment, I must make the choice to trust Him in His infinite wisdom.  I give Him the reigns one night, only to rip them back from him minutes, or at most, hours later.  It is only when I trust Him that I can truly find contentment.

God, help me remember that.

Photo by Drunken Monkey

This is one portion of the Faith ‘n’ Fiction Roundtable discussion of the book Wounded by Claudia Mair Burney, where we discuss the theology of the book.

Ronnica: But my real problem with Wounded is theological.  While I’m sure we don’t all have the same theological beliefs, a sound biblically-based theology is important to me.  For example, putting words like “I had no problem with whatever she used to draw closer to God…” (p. 158, large print edition) in the mouth of a pastor without judgment is theological irresponsible (and sadly, common in “Christian” writing, fiction and non-fiction).  Sure, this is fiction, but fiction still presents a worldview, for better or for worse.

Carrie: Ronnica mentioned theological questions and I will admit this is one of the areas that I struggled with while reading this. I found that I can/will accept questionable subject matter and/or doctrine in secular books, but when I’m reading a book that is advertised to be Christian, I hold it to a higher standard. The quote that Ronnica mentioned bugged me, too.

Ronnica: Carrie, I like how you said that.  I DO hold books labeled Christian to a much higher standard.  I’ve most certainly read books that I’ve theologically disagreed with more, but they arealmost always not labeled Christian.  I also felt uncomfortable with the idea of Jesus as lover and the idea of stigmata in general.  While I don’t doubt God’s ability to perform miracles, I don’t see the “why” of stigmata in this case specifically, as we always see miracles in the Bible either validating God’s Word or His messengers.

Hannah:  I can certainly agree that fiction written by Christians — let alone published by Christian publishing houses — should be held to a higher theological standard than books not written by and published by Christians.

Going back to what Ronnica mentioned about the book’s theology, which centered around Pastor Mike saying, “I had no problem with whatever she used to draw closer to God…” Sure, it’s troubling for a pastor to spout problematic theology. However, pastors are still human, fallen, imperfect, sinful. And in this case in particular, Pastor Mike isn’t presented as seeing this situation perfectly — or clearly, even. So while that idea/quote certainly is not good theology, I wouldn’t say the book presents his position as infallible or inaccurate. I don’t think the book’s worldview is embodied in Pastor Mike.

Amy: Now here’s where I’m going to get in trouble with you all!  I’m not sure I agree with the concept of a Christian book being held to a higher standard theologically.  It is easy for me to say yes, I agree with this, but the word Christian covers so many people with such vast and different beliefs.  I actually think that I’d love to see more theological diversity in Christian fiction because I think it would more accurately reflect the body of Christ, would challenge us to think about what we believe through the medium of fiction, and would probably invite more people to consider reading Christian fiction.  Furthermore, I’m not sure I agree with the statement the Bible is sufficient, I think Jesus is sufficient, and I think the Bible is some of the revelation we have left.  I regard it with tremendous respect and hope to always learn from it, don’t get me wrong!

I agree with Hannah that just because a character voices one viewpoint that doesn’t mean it’s the viewpoint of the author, though I sometimes struggle with this distinction myself.  I think maybe the reason we feel uncomfortable with Mike saying these things is because he’s the pastor and we expect our pastors to be the ultimate authority.

Hannah: I actually struggled with writing that, because I really struggle with major theological problems in any books I read. On the other hand, I know intellectually that we mustn’t hold people accountable for what they don’t know. Theological diversity, though (within certain parameters), is acceptable within what I’m talking about.

Ronnica: Going back to theological issues, I do think that there is certainly room for a wider theological perspective than say mine or my church’s.  However, I do believe that while there are many issues that there can be diversified opinions on within the Christian community (end times, continuation of miracles, etc.) there are some viewpoints that are necessary to be considered “Christian” (the deity of Christ, the sinfulness of man, etc.).

While I don’t necessarily think that Burney crossed the line on these issues, I do think the “whatever works for you” attitude presented in theological dangerous and spiritually unhealthy.  In the Old Testament, we see very strict penalties (death) for worshiping God in ways He did not prescribe.  While we have greater freedom and grace through Jesus Christ, God is and always will be a God that demands worship on His own terms, not ours.

Carrie: Amy, I liked the points you made about diverse theology in Christian fiction – but I guess we would disagree on the sufficiency of the Bible. I believe the Bible is complete and infallible, and all Christian belief and experience should be weighed against that authority. When I see what I consider extra-Biblical doctrine in a Christian novel, I can’t help but worry about readers being convinced of things about God that aren’t what the Bible teaches. (I hope that doesn’t offend – I hope you know I love you, Amy, and you’re my sister in Christ – even if we disagree on this point.)

I also get what Hannah was saying about the Pastor’s viewpoint just being one character’s – and a flawed, human character. I guess my high expectations for clergy were coming out in my expectations for the character! And I probably need to look at that – I can’t expect my pastor to be perfect, can I? He’s not God.

Other parts of the discussion can be found at the other participant’s blogs.

Besides those included above, other discussion participants include:

Deborah
Sheila
Julie
Thomas
Debbie
Heather

“Whenever you believe that the evil outside you is greater than the evil inside you, a heartfelt pursuit of Christ will be replaced by a zealous fighting of the ‘evil’ around you.” – How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp, p. 9

“I ask myself at night, ‘Did you do everything today that you could to be the best?’ It’s very hard to answer ‘yes.’ ” – Apolo Ohno

“Give me a used Bible and I will, I think, be able to tell you about a man by the places that are edged with the dirt of seeking fingers.” – East of Eden by John Steinbeck, p. 350

“Anyone who thinks he’s too small to make a difference has never been bit by a mosquito.” – Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls, p. 246

” ‘I should have thought that a pack of British boys… would have been able to put up a better show than that.’ ” – Lord of the Flies by William Golding

“On the other hand, women who didn’t marry became old maids, spinsters who slept in the attic, sat in a corner peeling potatoes all day, and were a burden on their families, like our neighbor Old Man Pucket’s sister, Louella.” – Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls, p. 39

“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.” – Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls, p. 113

“I’d donate a kidney to Jamie without a moment’s hesitation, but I was intensely annoyed if he asked me to make a special stop at the drugstore to pick up shaving cream.” – The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, p. 41

“Some people exude their futures, good or bad.” – East of Eden by John Steinbeck, p. 277

“Money brings its own problems, of course – but money also brings options.  Money can buy childare, a separate bathroom, a vacation, the freedom from arguments over bills – all sorts of things that help stabilize a marriage.” – Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, p. 148-149

“I had no problem with whatever she used to draw her closer to God…” – Wounded by Claudia Mair Burney, p. 158

“The number of households in America without children reached an all-time high in 2008.” – Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert, p. 149

“A man’s mind can’t stay in time the way his body does.” – East of Eden by John Steinbeck

I’m a dreamer.  I mean, I know some of you who are longtime readers of the Ignorant Historian know that I’m such a famous dreamer that I’ve been featured in The Washington Post.  Or perhaps that’s not quite how it went down.  Things get fuzzy in my old age.

As often as I have crazy adventure dreams at night (and that is every night these days), I’m even more of a daydreamer.  I’m constantly imagining things in my head: what I’ll do once I’ve reached my emergency savings goal, what I’d do if I was famous, and every step of completely-unrealized relationships from “Wanna go to dinner?” to “I do” (including how I’d tell you about him).  Actually, that last one is a recurring theme in my life.

The problem is, these daydreams are entirely unhelpful.  While these aren’t bad dreams (okay, except the famous one) they aren’t the kinds of dreams that God has for me.  I know that, but this quote still hit home:

“Though we may not be aware of it, we are often at odds with our wise and loving Lord.  The change he is working on is not the change we dream about.” – How People Change by Timothy Lane and Paul Tripp, p. 33

If I could change one thing in my life, it would be to trade in my singleness.  But I don’t think that’s high on God’s to-do list in my life.  I’m hoping that He wants me married, too, but He’s much more concerned with my righteousness.  He wants to root out out the sinful actions in my life and the sinful desires that lead me there.

May God help me make His desire, my desire.

Photo by Denis Collette

Of all the people we’re introduced to in the Bible, the one I most relate to is Hannah.  In my recent struggles for contentment in God, I turned once again to the familiar passage of 1 Samuel 1-2.

Hannah is a woman who knew unmet longings.  Just like my desire for a husband is good and natural, her desire for a child is good and natural.  She wanted to be a mother: something that as a woman, God designed her to do.

One thing that always stands out to me about this passage is Hannah’s emotions are spelled out for us.  Hannah calls her childless state an “affliction” (v. 11).  It wouldn’t be hard to imagine what a woman longing for a child might be feeling, but the Bible makes it clear:

“…her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her…” (v. 6, ESV)

“…Hannah wept and would not eat.” (v. 7)

Hannah’s husband: “Why is your heart sad?” ( v. 8 )

“I am a woman troubled in spirit.” (v. 15)

“…my great anxiety and vexation.” (v. 16)

Clearly, having a son was not a passing fancy for Hannah, any more than my desire for a husband is a fleeting thought in my life.  In fact, I just noticed for the first time that in verse 7 it gives us a bit of time reference for the events: “So it went on year by year.”  Year after year!  While we don’t know how many years, I’m sure it was quite a few or it wouldn’t state it like that.  During this time, not only did Hannah remain childless, she was being provoked by her fertile counterpart, likely daily coming into contact with her and her growing family.  Her childlessness is being rubbed in her face (something that I’m thankful not to have experienced).

The thing is, though Hannah was missing something that she rightfully desired, she was also blessed.  She had a husband who loved her and was well cared for (let’s leave out the bigamy as a topic for another day).  Compared to many who suffered in Israel, she had it made.  I can say the same for myself: I have been overwhelming blessed in almost every way.  Except for a companion in life, what more do I lack?  But like Hannah, what I lack seems to eclipse all the many blessings.

What I love so much about this little vignette is Hannah’s response to her unmet desire.  She offered herself to the Lord, emotions and all.  Though her desires were a mix of sinful and godly (as mine are…I love that the Bible doesn’t gloss over it’s hero’s–and heroine’s–sins), she brought them before God.  My favorite verse in this passage is verse 10:

“She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly.”

Now this I can definitely relate to.  The good, the bad, and the ugly, all wrapped up together in one sticky mess.  She took her unmet longings and all the emotions tied up with them to the One who could fix them–and her.

And the Lord answered her prayers.  I love the language the Bible uses to describe the conception of Samuel: “…and the LORD remembered her” (v. 19).  When (Lord willing!) I’m pregnant with my first child, I think that’s how I’d tell my husband, “The Lord remembered me.”

Of course, this was likely not the first time that she prayed to God.  No doubt, this was a familiar scene for Hannah, offering up her desire for a child again.  But in His timing, God answered.  This gives me hope–not a promise, but hope–that God will answer my prayers for a husband.

And until that time, I will wait, continually giving up my desires to the One who can fulfill them and use them to mold me.

One of my favorite things about reading books and watching movies is analyzing the worldview presented (yes, I’m one of those people).  Most are easily placed in their time period based on this alone (though I always cheat and look at the publication date because it helps to interpret what the author/director is saying).

And increasingly I’ve noticed books and movies point to the fact that our culture idolizes happiness.  Elizabeth Gilbert admits as much in Committed that she forsook her first wedding vows simply because she was unhappy.  And most people would not fault her for it.

But God would.  I don’t mean to bash Elizabeth Gilbert; God is the judge and she has obviously not the only one at fault for our happiness idol.  In fact, I’m more than willing to admit that I fall on the “guilty” side in this matter: way too often my decisions (both immediate and long-term: what to do next, what to eat, where to live, etc.) are ruled by what I want simply because it’s what I want.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying we should don hairshirts or polar bear swim in the Atlantic.  The answer is not to avoid happiness and pleasure as has been a historical Christian misinterpretation.  Rather, the answer is to put happiness in it’s place.

Happiness is good and a blessing.  But it’s not more important than loving God and loving others.

Thanks for reading this…I know that I needed this reminder once again.

Photo by CarbonNYC

I love January.  Everything’s so fresh and new.  Christmas decorations, though beautiful, are rather cluttery.  I always make an effort to clean through my things in January, too, after being abundantly blessed at Christmas and my birthday.   Though I haven’t completely tackled my desk and its stack of papers (which I saved for last), I feel much more comfortable in my apartment now that almost everything is in it’s place.

January also comes with a fresh start.  Sure, it’s rather arbitrary what time of year we decide is the start of a new year, but I like having it in the dead of winter, the season I naturally have the least motivation.   I think if we celebrated New Year’s some other time, I’d likely fall into a funk after Christmas.  I look forward to having longer days (actually seeing more than the 20 minutes of sunlight I drive in to work) and more natural energy that comes with it.

I suppose I should talk about my lofty goals for this year, if this was a proper New Year’s post.  But of course it’s not, being 4 days late, and I don’t have major goals for this year.  While I have a hunger to learn and grow, I don’t necessarily have resolutions tied to those ambitions.   Really, the only thing I have laid out as plans for this year is my book goals, of which I have a few.  The only other two resolutions/goals I could come up with is to exercise three times a week (which was my goal anyway) and to wear a skirt/dress once a week (since I’ve gotten rather lazy, and really do love to wear a skirt).

More than anything, I want this to be a year where I grow closer to God and more obedient to His word.  For me, one of the hardest things about living for Christ is the living for others.  As my book goals can attest, I’m a bit of a loner. Like every other fallen human being, I tend to live for myself, seeking my own desires and pleasures.  May God show me the needs of the people around me…and may I open my eyes to them and make it a priority to meet those needs.

Photo by Ryan McD

I thank God He’s given me food on my table in abundance.

I thank God that He’s given me family and friends who love me and show me more grace than I deserve.

I thank God for giving us quick travel that I may visit my family who’s over 1,000 miles away on this day.

I thank God for giving me not only a well-paying job in these times, but a job that I like.

I thank God for allowing me to be part of a church who, though not perfect, is seeking to grow together towards christlikeness.

Most of all, I thank God for giving His Son to save a wretch like me.

So happy Thanksgiving, and remember to thank God for the many blessings he’s given you…no matter how many or how few, they’re more than we deserve.

Photos by CarbonNYC, Julie McLeod,  aka Kath, me, Phillie Casablanca, and DrGBB

My journal entry, dated October 30, 2009

Last night in the midst of one of my typical adventure dreams (in this one I was a part of a group being held hostage) there was a tender moment (can a fake moment be tender?) that sticks with me.

In the midst of the hostage situation, I had my head on a man’s shoulder as we played with each other’s hands.  It was something so small, but that’s the desire of my heart…to simply be with someone, even if it’s in the midst of a crazy situation (though preferably not that crazy situation).

I long for that day when there’ll be someone there, all the while knowing that day may never come.  Yet I hope in God, trusting His judgment on the matter to be better than my own, asking Him to remove selfish ambitions from my heart.  Not that it’s not right and good for me to desire a husband–it is–but it’s not right for me to desire it more than I desire God Himself, more than I desire to follow Him.

So as I continue in this adventurous time in my life, I lean on Him, trusting Him to be enough.

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O LORD of hosts,
How blessed is the man who trusts in You.”

- Psalm 84:11-12

Photo by photosan0