Ignorant Historian

I’ll get to more details about my first week soon, but for now, let me tell you a little (embarrassing!) tale of my last week unemployed.

One day a week or two ago I may have been frustrated to the point of tears at the local post office.

The details aren’t particularly important. I think we could all tell tales about how illogical and unhelpful post offices can be. That’s not what this post is about.

It’s about me…or more specifically, my sinful heart. For really, when I say I was “frustrated,” I’m just painting my sinful anger in a socially-acceptable light. I wouldn’t say that I’m a person characterized by anger, but this situation brought out what was in the dregs of my heart. If it wasn’t there in the first place, how could it have come out?

What surprised me about this incident was not what came up (I’ve long since realized my own sinfulness) but how easily it came out. I’d like to think that I’m much more holy than that.

Umm, yeah.

I’m thankful for the postal service and the God who used it to remind me that He’s not done refining me yet.

Last Sunday of the month…boy, it’s gone fast! So far I’ve mentioned how thankful I am for my Savior, family by blood and choice, and my church. Finally, I want to share how I’m thankful for my unemployment.

Say what?

Yep, I truly am thankful for this unemployment. Don’t get me wrong, I’d prefer to be employed right now, but I believe that I’m not for a good reason.

Not that I’m entirely sure of what that reason is.

So far I’ve seen how unemployment has stripped away something that I wrongly took pride and identity in. I’ve seen how it’s one thing to say that I trust God when I have regular paychecks, and it’s another to say I trust him when I don’t know when I’ll get a paycheck again.

My unemployment journey is not over. I don’t know when it will be. But I do see more opportunities to actively trust God, knowing that He is sovereign over all situations, good and bad.

May I be able to say with Paul:

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:11-13)

It’s now been a week since I’ve been laid off. Though the last month or so has been particularly emotional time for me, I can’t say that I’ve found unemployment itself much to be emotional about. At least not at this point.

But I think I’ve also been helped through this time of uncertainty by knowing where I can find certainty. Immersing myself in Scripture has been incredibly helpful in reminding myself of the truths about what really is important.

Like most (if not all) Americans, I struggle with trusting in money for security. But what a foolish, flimsy thing to trust in! You’d think the stock market would have taught us that.

For me, I also tend to trust in my own abilities. I have been blessed with my natural abilities and with the education and opportunities I’ve been given, but ultimately these don’t amount to much. If and when I get a job, it may be humanly because of these things, but ultimately, it’ll be in God’s providence.

While I’ll continue to struggle with placing my trust in the wrong place, I choose to hope in the Lord. Not because I want Him to give me what I want (though, obviously, that is something I have and will continue to struggle with), but because I want to want Him alone. I believe all else is rubbish compared to Him, though I don’t always act like I believe that.

I choose to hope in God.

Tomorrow—or tonight at sundown— begins the day that I’ve been looking forward to the last few weeks. Is it weird to look forward to a day spent fasting, praying, and reflection?

As I mentioned in my 30 Before 30, I have wanted to celebrate Yom Kippur this year. If you know your Jewish calendar, you’ll notice that Saturday, not Friday is Yom Kippur. But because of the OU-Texas game on Saturday, I’ve decided to move it up a day. Not that God isn’t a greater priority than football, it’s just that I want to have no distractions and I know I’d have a hard time concentrating on other things with the game on, especially since I receive text updates.

So how am I going to celebrate? Well, I’ll spend the day (sundown to sundown) fasting and abstaining from television, secular books and music, and other people.

So that’s what I won’t be doing. What will I be doing? Praying, reading the Bible, worshiping through music, and thinking, for sure. But I’ll also be reading some of John Stott’s Cross of Christ and Sinclair Ferguson’s In Christ Alone. I’ll be crocheting and walking, the calmer things that allow for the quiet and clear voice of the Lord to speak through.

I don’t know what the outcome of this time will be. I don’t know what ugliness inside me God might reveal to me or what challenge God may give me. But I know that I want this time with my Lord, and I want to want time with my Lord more and more.

I read Justin Lee’s answers on Rachel Held Evans’ blog, and I’ve been chewing on it for a few days. To better understand what I’m going to say here, read that post. Justin’s words didn’t necessarily change my views on homosexuality, but it did refine how I express them a bit.

For the record, I don’t understand how Justin makes the leap to the idea that marriage can between two individuals of the same sex. Like in all issues, I believe the burden of proof in a Christian debate belongs to the one who is going against traditional Christian understanding. Not saying the Christian status quo is always right, but to go against what has been handed down to us through history, you should be able to provide reasonable proofs for that breakaway. I haven’t seen that from Justin, though to be fair, he says he will be addressing that more.

But is it wrong to be “gay?”

Yeah, I put “gay” in quotes, because I think that there is already a worldview assumption by labeling someone “gay” or “straight,” and that is that our sexual attractions are a defining characteristic. I don’t believe that’s the case.

I do believe people when they say that they were born with desires for the same sex. I was born with addictive tendencies, but that doesn’t excuse my addictive thoughts (“I have to have some ice cream”) and behavior. So I’m not opposed to the idea that someone is “born this way,” as long as they’re not using that an excuse for their sinful thoughts and behavior.

But I don’t think it’s right to say “God made me like this,” because God has better plans for your life than for you to be marred with sinful desires. Unfortunately, you are born with a sinful heritage and aren’t perfectly how God created you. But if you trust that He did the work to pay for your sins, you can be born anew. God doesn’t usually remove our sinful desires, but He can use them to mold us more into the person He wants us to be.

So then, is it wrong to be attracted to someone of the same sex?

Yes, and no. It is wrong to look lustfully at anyone other than your spouse, no matter their sex. But I don’t think it’s wrong if you look at someone and think, “Wow, they’re attractive.” But we rarely leave it at that, do we? Most of the time we continue to look, dwell on the thought, and play with it in our imaginations.

Sexual sin is rampant in our culture. Even among the most sexually conservative, it’s usually believed to be okay to look, but not touch. But this is not the standard that the Bible gives us (see Matthew 5:27-28).

God sets a hard standard for us. One so high that I believe it’s impossible to live by apart from the grace of God.

Ah, and that’s the sweetness. Regardless of our history and regardless of our desires, God offers us His mercy through His Son and his grace through His Holy Spirit.

While I don’t like the term “gay Christian,” I think it’s possible to be saved by the grace of the God and still struggle with homosexual desires. These desires can be frusterating, I’m sure, because there’ s no lawful (speaking of God’s law) fulfillment of these desires.

But all our desires will ultimately be eclipsed by God and great goodness and blessings.

So what is a Christian who struggles with same-sex desires to do?

First of all, they need to share their struggle with a couple trusted, mature friends. Hopefully, you’re already in a church family so that makes the choice easier. Your small group leader, a pastor or their wives would be good people to ask to come alongside you.

You may never be attracted to someone of the opposite sex, which means you may never get married. In that case, you’ll be given grace from God (day by day!) to live a celibate life. Will that be easy? Absolutely not. I know this because at least to this point, I’ve been called to live a celibate life.

I’ve already gone on longer than I usually do, but I don’t want to end before I encourage my fellow Christians to share the compassion and grace of Christ. That means we don’t joke about homosexuality or fear those who have homosexual desires.

Did you read that post (linked above)? What are your thoughts? You’re always great, but remember to be civil in the comments.

I’ve had Whiter Than Snow: Meditations on Sin and Mercy by Paul David Tripp on my shelf since it came out a few years ago.

I guess it was waiting for a time like this.

While I was in Seattle, I started this book. As I may have implied through my “30 for 30″ talk lately, I’ve been in need of refocus. I feel like I’ve stalled out and been content with the status quo.

This is exactly what I needed to read now.

Whiter Than Snow is nothing new. But it is the important stuff, the Gospel. Tripp uses Psalm 51 as a jumping off point to really dig in deep about sin—and where it comes from—and the only One who can do something about it.

Whiter Than Snow is a series of 52 short devotions designed to be read once a week. Obviously, I didn’t follow that plan, but used it as an intense shot of the Gospel.

So am I geared up to work on my goals? Sure, but that’s not the point. The point is that I’ve fallen on my knees before the God whose mercy and grace I desperately need.

I highly recommend this book, to use as the Lord leads.

The next part of John Piper’s Challenge to Women is a bit complex when it comes to single women like me. Still, it bears considering:

“That you not assume that secular employment is a greater challenge or a better use of your life than the countless opportunities of service and witness in the home the neighborhood, the community, the church, and the world. That you not only pose the question: Career vs. full time mom? But that you ask as seriously: Full time career vs. freedom for ministry? That you ask: Which would be greater for the Kingdom— to be in the employ of someone telling you what to do to make his business prosper, or to be God’s free agent dreaming your own dream about how your time and your home and your creativity could make God’s business prosper? And that in all this you make your choices not on the basis of secular trends or yuppie lifestyle expectations, but on the basis of what will strengthen the family and advance the cause of Christ.”

Obviously, I don’t have the opportunity to choose between working full-time and ministry. Whatever else I do and however else I use my free time, I must have full-time employment in order to provide for myself. That said, I don’t define myself by my job. It’s something that I do (and try to do well), but it’s not who I am.

I may “have” to spend 40 hours a week doing what someone else tells me “to do to make his business prosper,” but there are over 100 waking hours in a week. Even considering that some of those are spent on the necessaries of commuting, personal hygiene, and chores, I have at least as many hours to spend as I choose in a week as I do hours spent doing someone else’s biding.

And how do I choose to spend those hours?

I want to be able to use my time and talents to serve God and others. Obviously, I’m still working out how that looks like in my life, and probably always will.

But perhaps one day I won’t need to be employed full-time, having a man to provide the necessities of life. Am I making choices now that will make such a transition easier? This is why I want to work hard at paying off my student debt (though this move has made that difficult), the only debt I have. I’d love not to have to carry debt into a marriage.

I’d also like not to have an expensive lifestyle, something that would hinder me now and in the future. I’m working on ways to live on less, a skill that can reap dividends over the years.

Other Posts in This Series:

A Summer of Growth

Peace, Joy, and Strength

Daily Acts of Love

Women of the Book

Women of Prayer

Deep Thinkin’

No More Frittering

Exploiting Not Paralyzing

Keeping Me Honest

Photo by wjserson

A few years ago I read the biography of Adoniram Judson (To the Golden Shore by Courtney Anderson) and was really encouraged by it. Since then, I had wanted to read more about his first wife, Ann.

My Heart in His Hands is the story of Ann Judson, among the first group of missionaries to head out from America. Within two weeks of marrying Adoniram, they boarded a boat to India, with the assumption of never returning. They didn’t know where they were going or who they might work with when they got there.

Ann had a great life in early America. She could have lived a very happy, ordinary life here, but God grabbed her heart. I’ve considered international missions, but when I think about it, it’s with things like email and planes. The costs were much higher 200 years ago.

Ann’s life in Burma, where they ended up, was hard. They had to learn the language the hard way, point and naming objects with their tutors. English-speaking people came and went in their lives; most of the time they were alone among foreigners. Tropical diseases and unhelpful medical treatment made it physically difficult as well.

But eventually, they saw the fruit of their labor, and Burmans were coming to Christ. But things weren’t all getting easier—when war came between Britain and Burma, the Burmese government took Adoniram and the other foreign men hostage, chaining them in the filthiest of conditions.

Ann’s actions during this two-year period were the most encouraging to me. She fought day after day, trying to convince every official she could to get better conditions for her husband if not release. She did so pregnant, too, later carrying her young daughter with her as she continued to fight diligently.

And it was her dedication first to her God and then to her husband that lead to her early death. As I read that her final word of pain was in Burmese, I bawled. I haven’t cried that hard at a book in a long time.

I strongly recommend this biography.

Now we’re at the 3rd week of the Challenge for Women (these weeks are going by fast!). Today’s challenge is:

“That this fullness of God overflow in daily acts of love so that people might see your good deeds and give glory to your Father in heaven.”

Ouch.

This is where I often struggle. It’s easy to know what to do, it’s much hard to do it. I’m lazy and self-centered. I’m also not very observant, so I have to work harder to notice the needs of others. But just because it’s hard is no excuse.

The second part of this point gives me the reasoning to try, and try harder: “so that people might see your good deeds and give glory to your Father in heaven.”

Straight from Matthew 5:16.

I can’t think of a better reason to seek to do good things. I want to seek to glorify God in everything I do. That requires me to think about so much more than me and my interests.

May the glory of God be my chief motive. It’s easier to do the right thing when you’ll look good in the eyes of others, but that can’t be my motive. It’s easier to do things for others when I’m in a good mood or when it fits in my schedule, but those can’t be factors in my decision making progress.

I need to be better at fulfilling the 2nd greatest commandment (“Love your neighbor as yourself.”) to better fulfill the Greatest Commandment (“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”).

Other Posts in This Series:

A Summer of Growth

Peace, Joy, and Strength

Photo Credit: GMA Lou

Looking back, summer has always  been an important time in my life. I imagine I’m not the only one. There’s just something different and special about this season that sets it apart from the colder months.

I’ve had some summers of excessive downtime–Summer 2005 I completely caught myself up on Law and Order SVU–and some of intense spiritual growth–Phoenix 2003 and Turkey 2004 both come to mind.

I want summer 2011 to be numbered among the latter.

To that purpose, I’ve recommitted myself to my goals. I’m not stopping there, though. I’ve also decided to use John Piper’s “A Challenge to Women,” something I’ve read several times, as a jumping off point for meditation and–with your help–discussion. In short, I seek to challenge myself and perhaps you too, reader.

So each week, I’ll be talking about one point of this challenge.

Now, on to the first point of the challenge:

“That all of your life—in whatever calling—be devoted to the glory of God.”

Well, that’s a doozy! Everything else Piper mentions can be summarized in this one.

When I read this point, the word that stands out to me is “devoted.” Devotion is a beautiful concept in theory, but a hard concept to pull off. Am I truly devoted to God, or are my loyalties mixed?

What do my actions reveal when I more often seek my own pleasure than to spend time with the Lord or helping others?

This goes well with the verse that I memorized last week:

“Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.” – 2 Corinthians 5:9, NASU

I want to be a woman marked by devotion to God. I want God to be my sole love and desire. May this be my prayer and song this week.

Photo by doug8888