In spite of the gloomy weather, the impending crowning of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and the prospect of tomorrow’s New Testament test, I’m feeling upbeat. You know why? Because none of this caught God off guard. He’s not thinking, “Uh oh! What do I do now?” What allows me to be filled with joy in this world of shifting sand is the constancy of the Creator who is ever faithful and ever true to His words that He’s so generously recorded for us in the Bible. Instead of looking at the waves and the wind, I need to focus on the steady arm of our Heavenly Father and the marvelous work done by His Son, Jesus Christ, on the cross.

What pessimism those who don’t have an all powerful, all good God must have! Where lies their hope? In themselves? I know I frequently let myself down. In humanity? One look at the many genocides and wars of the 20th century would cloud your outlook at any hope of an utopian society. In money? One tumultuous day on the stock market or one thief could take that all away. In a loved one? They may be here today, and gone tomorrow.

No, these things provide little realistic hope that tomorrow will be better than today, or that today will even be better than yesterday. Instead, let me join with Habakkuk and say,

“Though the earthly things I counted on do not come to pass,
Though my money and resources are taken away,
Though the people around me fail me,
And though the political future looks dim,
“Yet I will exult in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord GOD is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,
And make me walk on my high places.”
-Habakkuk 3:18-19 NASU

Thank you for allowing me to candidly speak from my heart.

Originally posted 11/8/2006

It’s easy to see why I would think that. The most quoted verses in the Psalms are all about joy, praise, and comfort. Generally, people like the Psalms. There’s a reason why they’re usually included in copies of the New Testament. They’re “safe.”

But ever since I really started digging into the Psalms, thanks to reading one every day, I’ve started seeing new things. While some Psalms only include the more pleasant aspects of following God, that’s actually not the norm.

Most psalms come to the conclusion of praising God only after revealing hard times and difficult circumstances. On my latest read through the Psalms, I’ve started to underline those difficulties, and there are a lot of them.

“For my enemies have spoken against me;
And those who watch for my life have consulted together,
Saying, ‘God has forsaken him;
Pursue and seize him, for there is no one to deliver.’ ” – Psalm 71: 10-11

“O God, why have You rejected us forever?
Why does Your anger smoke against the sheep of Your pasture?” – Psalm 74:1

“In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord;
In the night my hand was stretched out without weariness;
My soul refused to be comforted.” – Psalm 77:2

“Incline Your ear, O LORD, and answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy. ” – Psalm 86:1

“You have put me in the lowest pit,
In dark places, in the depths.” – Psalm 88:6 (all NASU)

One of the commonalities I’ve found between these passages is that the psalmists were confident in God’s sovereignty over their circumstances. It was in this certainty that were able to have the strength and hope to praise God.

The Psalms were written by real people in real struggles and are written for real people with real struggles. I don’t know how I never saw that before.

One day a week or two ago I may have been frustrated to the point of tears at the local post office.

The details aren’t particularly important. I think we could all tell tales about how illogical and unhelpful post offices can be. That’s not what this post is about.

It’s about me…or more specifically, my sinful heart. For really, when I say I was “frustrated,” I’m just painting my sinful anger in a socially-acceptable light. I wouldn’t say that I’m a person characterized by anger, but this situation brought out what was in the dregs of my heart. If it wasn’t there in the first place, how could it have come out?

What surprised me about this incident was not what came up (I’ve long since realized my own sinfulness) but how easily it came out. I’d like to think that I’m much more holy than that.

Umm, yeah.

I’m thankful for the postal service and the God who used it to remind me that He’s not done refining me yet.

Say what?

Yep, I truly am thankful for this unemployment. Don’t get me wrong, I’d prefer to be employed right now, but I believe that I’m not for a good reason.

Not that I’m entirely sure of what that reason is.

So far I’ve seen how unemployment has stripped away something that I wrongly took pride and identity in. I’ve seen how it’s one thing to say that I trust God when I have regular paychecks, and it’s another to say I trust him when I don’t know when I’ll get a paycheck again.

My unemployment journey is not over. I don’t know when it will be. But I do see more opportunities to actively trust God, knowing that He is sovereign over all situations, good and bad.

May I be able to say with Paul:

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:11-13)

But I think I’ve also been helped through this time of uncertainty by knowing where I can find certainty. Immersing myself in Scripture has been incredibly helpful in reminding myself of the truths about what really is important.

Like most (if not all) Americans, I struggle with trusting in money for security. But what a foolish, flimsy thing to trust in! You’d think the stock market would have taught us that.

For me, I also tend to trust in my own abilities. I have been blessed with my natural abilities and with the education and opportunities I’ve been given, but ultimately these don’t amount to much. If and when I get a job, it may be humanly because of these things, but ultimately, it’ll be in God’s providence.

While I’ll continue to struggle with placing my trust in the wrong place, I choose to hope in the Lord. Not because I want Him to give me what I want (though, obviously, that is something I have and will continue to struggle with), but because I want to want Him alone. I believe all else is rubbish compared to Him, though I don’t always act like I believe that.

I choose to hope in God.

As I mentioned in my 30 Before 30, I have wanted to celebrate Yom Kippur this year. If you know your Jewish calendar, you’ll notice that Saturday, not Friday is Yom Kippur. But because of the OU-Texas game on Saturday, I’ve decided to move it up a day. Not that God isn’t a greater priority than football, it’s just that I want to have no distractions and I know I’d have a hard time concentrating on other things with the game on, especially since I receive text updates.

So how am I going to celebrate? Well, I’ll spend the day (sundown to sundown) fasting and abstaining from television, secular books and music, and other people.

So that’s what I won’t be doing. What will I be doing? Praying, reading the Bible, worshiping through music, and thinking, for sure. But I’ll also be reading some of John Stott’s Cross of Christ and Sinclair Ferguson’s In Christ Alone. I’ll be crocheting and walking, the calmer things that allow for the quiet and clear voice of the Lord to speak through.

I don’t know what the outcome of this time will be. I don’t know what ugliness inside me God might reveal to me or what challenge God may give me. But I know that I want this time with my Lord, and I want to want time with my Lord more and more.

For the record, I don’t understand how Justin makes the leap to the idea that marriage can between two individuals of the same sex. Like in all issues, I believe the burden of proof in a Christian debate belongs to the one who is going against traditional Christian understanding. Not saying the Christian status quo is always right, but to go against what has been handed down to us through history, you should be able to provide reasonable proofs for that breakaway. I haven’t seen that from Justin, though to be fair, he says he will be addressing that more.

But is it wrong to be “gay?”

Yeah, I put “gay” in quotes, because I think that there is already a worldview assumption by labeling someone “gay” or “straight,” and that is that our sexual attractions are a defining characteristic. I don’t believe that’s the case.

I do believe people when they say that they were born with desires for the same sex. I was born with addictive tendencies, but that doesn’t excuse my addictive thoughts (“I have to have some ice cream”) and behavior. So I’m not opposed to the idea that someone is “born this way,” as long as they’re not using that an excuse for their sinful thoughts and behavior.

But I don’t think it’s right to say “God made me like this,” because God has better plans for your life than for you to be marred with sinful desires. Unfortunately, you are born with a sinful heritage and aren’t perfectly how God created you. But if you trust that He did the work to pay for your sins, you can be born anew. God doesn’t usually remove our sinful desires, but He can use them to mold us more into the person He wants us to be.

So then, is it wrong to be attracted to someone of the same sex?

Yes, and no. It is wrong to look lustfully at anyone other than your spouse, no matter their sex. But I don’t think it’s wrong if you look at someone and think, “Wow, they’re attractive.” But we rarely leave it at that, do we? Most of the time we continue to look, dwell on the thought, and play with it in our imaginations.

Sexual sin is rampant in our culture. Even among the most sexually conservative, it’s usually believed to be okay to look, but not touch. But this is not the standard that the Bible gives us (see Matthew 5:27-28).

God sets a hard standard for us. One so high that I believe it’s impossible to live by apart from the grace of God.

Ah, and that’s the sweetness. Regardless of our history and regardless of our desires, God offers us His mercy through His Son and his grace through His Holy Spirit.

While I don’t like the term “gay Christian,” I think it’s possible to be saved by the grace of the God and still struggle with homosexual desires. These desires can be frusterating, I’m sure, because there’ s no lawful (speaking of God’s law) fulfillment of these desires.

But all our desires will ultimately be eclipsed by God and great goodness and blessings.

So what is a Christian who struggles with same-sex desires to do?

First of all, they need to share their struggle with a couple trusted, mature friends. Hopefully, you’re already in a church family so that makes the choice easier. Your small group leader, a pastor or their wives would be good people to ask to come alongside you.

You may never be attracted to someone of the opposite sex, which means you may never get married. In that case, you’ll be given grace from God (day by day!) to live a celibate life. Will that be easy? Absolutely not. I know this because at least to this point, I’ve been called to live a celibate life.

I’ve already gone on longer than I usually do, but I don’t want to end before I encourage my fellow Christians to share the compassion and grace of Christ. That means we don’t joke about homosexuality or fear those who have homosexual desires.

Did you read that post (linked above)? What are your thoughts? You’re always great, but remember to be civil in the comments.

I guess it was waiting for a time like this.

While I was in Seattle, I started this book. As I may have implied through my “30 for 30″ talk lately, I’ve been in need of refocus. I feel like I’ve stalled out and been content with the status quo.

This is exactly what I needed to read now.

Whiter Than Snow is nothing new. But it is the important stuff, the Gospel. Tripp uses Psalm 51 as a jumping off point to really dig in deep about sin—and where it comes from—and the only One who can do something about it.

Whiter Than Snow is a series of 52 short devotions designed to be read once a week. Obviously, I didn’t follow that plan, but used it as an intense shot of the Gospel.

So am I geared up to work on my goals? Sure, but that’s not the point. The point is that I’ve fallen on my knees before the God whose mercy and grace I desperately need.

I highly recommend this book, to use as the Lord leads.

“That you not assume that secular employment is a greater challenge or a better use of your life than the countless opportunities of service and witness in the home the neighborhood, the community, the church, and the world. That you not only pose the question: Career vs. full time mom? But that you ask as seriously: Full time career vs. freedom for ministry? That you ask: Which would be greater for the Kingdom— to be in the employ of someone telling you what to do to make his business prosper, or to be God’s free agent dreaming your own dream about how your time and your home and your creativity could make God’s business prosper? And that in all this you make your choices not on the basis of secular trends or yuppie lifestyle expectations, but on the basis of what will strengthen the family and advance the cause of Christ.”

Obviously, I don’t have the opportunity to choose between working full-time and ministry. Whatever else I do and however else I use my free time, I must have full-time employment in order to provide for myself. That said, I don’t define myself by my job. It’s something that I do (and try to do well), but it’s not who I am.

I may “have” to spend 40 hours a week doing what someone else tells me “to do to make his business prosper,” but there are over 100 waking hours in a week. Even considering that some of those are spent on the necessaries of commuting, personal hygiene, and chores, I have at least as many hours to spend as I choose in a week as I do hours spent doing someone else’s biding.

And how do I choose to spend those hours?

I want to be able to use my time and talents to serve God and others. Obviously, I’m still working out how that looks like in my life, and probably always will.

But perhaps one day I won’t need to be employed full-time, having a man to provide the necessities of life. Am I making choices now that will make such a transition easier? This is why I want to work hard at paying off my student debt (though this move has made that difficult), the only debt I have. I’d love not to have to carry debt into a marriage.

I’d also like not to have an expensive lifestyle, something that would hinder me now and in the future. I’m working on ways to live on less, a skill that can reap dividends over the years.

Other Posts in This Series:

A Summer of Growth

Peace, Joy, and Strength

Daily Acts of Love

Women of the Book

Women of Prayer

Deep Thinkin’

No More Frittering

Exploiting Not Paralyzing

Keeping Me Honest

Photo by wjserson

My Heart in His Hands is the story of Ann Judson, among the first group of missionaries to head out from America. Within two weeks of marrying Adoniram, they boarded a boat to India, with the assumption of never returning. They didn’t know where they were going or who they might work with when they got there.

Ann had a great life in early America. She could have lived a very happy, ordinary life here, but God grabbed her heart. I’ve considered international missions, but when I think about it, it’s with things like email and planes. The costs were much higher 200 years ago.

Ann’s life in Burma, where they ended up, was hard. They had to learn the language the hard way, point and naming objects with their tutors. English-speaking people came and went in their lives; most of the time they were alone among foreigners. Tropical diseases and unhelpful medical treatment made it physically difficult as well.

But eventually, they saw the fruit of their labor, and Burmans were coming to Christ. But things weren’t all getting easier—when war came between Britain and Burma, the Burmese government took Adoniram and the other foreign men hostage, chaining them in the filthiest of conditions.

Ann’s actions during this two-year period were the most encouraging to me. She fought day after day, trying to convince every official she could to get better conditions for her husband if not release. She did so pregnant, too, later carrying her young daughter with her as she continued to fight diligently.

And it was her dedication first to her God and then to her husband that lead to her early death. As I read that her final word of pain was in Burmese, I bawled. I haven’t cried that hard at a book in a long time.

I strongly recommend this biography.