Ignorant Historian

I’ll get to more details about my first week soon, but for now, let me tell you a little (embarrassing!) tale of my last week unemployed.

One day a week or two ago I may have been frustrated to the point of tears at the local post office.

The details aren’t particularly important. I think we could all tell tales about how illogical and unhelpful post offices can be. That’s not what this post is about.

It’s about me…or more specifically, my sinful heart. For really, when I say I was “frustrated,” I’m just painting my sinful anger in a socially-acceptable light. I wouldn’t say that I’m a person characterized by anger, but this situation brought out what was in the dregs of my heart. If it wasn’t there in the first place, how could it have come out?

What surprised me about this incident was not what came up (I’ve long since realized my own sinfulness) but how easily it came out. I’d like to think that I’m much more holy than that.

Umm, yeah.

I’m thankful for the postal service and the God who used it to remind me that He’s not done refining me yet.

I’m an introvert.  Many of you probably already knew this.  It’s not hard to figure out from my lack of “partying” posts and all the time I spend reading (and blogging, too).  I know those of you who know me in real life know this.

As an introvert I need time alone.  Nothing wrong with this…it’s the way that God made me.  Spending time with people is draining, and I’ve got to re-charge in a dark, quiet room, usually with a good book or an episode of Glee or any NCIS or CSI.

But as a sinful introvert, I crave time alone and overindulge.  As a part of my church’s How People Change class (great book…definitely recommend it!), we’re required to work on something in our life that needs changing for our Personal Growth Project.

At the encouragement of my extremely-extroverted future roommate (Jen), I agreed that my escapist tendencies (and the sinful underlying desires and motives) needed to be the subject of my project.

Friday was a peaceful day at the office.  The storm was over.  This should have been a relaxing day, but I found that I was rather miserable.  Why?  I didn’t take too much time to investigate the inner workings of me, as I realized I had spent the whole week focused INWARD.  Solution?  Turning my focus outwards.

This past weekend I had several social opportunities that I had initially dismissed as they weren’t “my thing.”  Once I chose this project, I quickly committed to them, and told Jen so that she’d hold me accountable.

You know what? It wasn’t so bad.  While I wouldn’t say that I enjoyed every minute of those social events, I didn’t despise them. Uncomfortable moments came…and passed.  I even added in some impromptu hangout time with roommates past, present, and future (to their great surprise).

The great thing was that it wasn’t even draining.  Yes, I was tired at the end of the weekend, but no more than I would after any normal day.  Though my feelings don’t rule me, I did feel better Sunday night after spending all weekend with people than I did Friday afternoon after spending the day alone. God indeed gives grace for the tasks He gives me.

Photo by foreverdigital

As I pulled up to the donut shop (I know, I know; but don’t let that distract you from the point of the post), I saw that someone had parked their luxury SUV in the fire lane 5 feet from the door. Already I was on edge. I really don’t care for rule breakers.

As I walked in, I saw that there were two ladies at the counter. One was a motherly-type in her 50s looking slightly worn down, buying herself a cup of coffee before what I can assume will be a long day. The other was a very put-together woman, dressed in a pink satin shirt and black pumps, buying a mountain of donuts for what seemed to be a work-sponsored sugarfest. She was also ordering a complicated coffee drink, and the boy behind the counter was looking a bit confused and intimidated as he was trying to fill it as promptly and correctly as he could.

Since he was going to take longer than she had apparently anticipated, she stated that she was going to take the mountain of donuts out to her car. I immediately knew what car she was going to: the SUV in the fire lane. I was between her and the door, but I quickly scooted back. She never said excuse me or thank you, but just proceeded out as I headed to the counter to order my donuts. I was expected her to expect me to move, so I got out of her way.

As I drove to work, I thought about this lady. The air of privilege about her (“I deserve to park my SUV here because the parking lot is just too far,” “I want my cup of coffee my way“) really irked me. But then I realized something more ugly. My very own sinful heart.

How did I respond to this situation? With self-righteousness and hate. While the lady was probably in the wrong, I was too. I responded in sin. There’s no excuses. She didn’t deserve my anger because of her own actions. I’m like the slave who was forgiven 10,000 talents yet was unwilling to forgive the 100 denarii owed to be my a fellow slave (Matthew 18).

How much has God forgiven me? More than I’ll ever know. I certainly haven’t gone one day without sinning and I doubt I’ve gone even one waking hour without sinning in thought, tongue, or deed. Yet, at the sight of the sin of another I become self-righteous. “How dare she take park HER SUV there. How dare she expect ME to move without a word. I’d NEVER act like that!”

But I have. On more than one occasion I have played the selfish brat. But it’s not an act. It’s an acting out of my sinful selfishness. But most of the time I keep it in. Or I act on my selfishness in socially-acceptable ways.

Lord, forgive my selfishness. May I rest in You and seek Your ways rather than demanding my own. Thank you for providing me the greatest gift in the forgiveness of sins through Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Dear Heart,

You and I go way back, but I just have a few questions for you. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve written such a personal letter in such a public place, but maybe you’ll appreciate the sentiments more if I declare them this way.

Why do you leap inside of me when a boy talks to me? Why will the littlest thing set you aflutter? There is no reason to think that his “hi” is more than a “hi” or that his smile is meant especially for me. But you don’t do a lot of rational thinking, do you?

Why do you think things should go just as you dreamed? Why can you take one little thing and project it ten years down the road? Why do I allow you to carry me away? I can’t know the future and certainly can’t make others follow the plans you’re set on, heart.

I know I’m a woman and with that comes a tendency to be emotional and relational. That’s okay. It’s how God made me. I shouldn’t hate myself for it, but that doesn’t mean that I should always follow your emotional lead.

“I will give thanks to You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.” – Psalm 139:14 (NASU)

Heart, you don’t have to be ruled by emotions. Emotions don’t have to be king. They easily take the throne and make themselves at home, but there is a greater King who deserves that seat. He alone should be ruler of my heart and the object of my greatest desires.

Be still my heart. It’s not all about you.

Affectionately,

Ronnica