Tag Archives: Humor

My Music Will Be Famous for My Spam Tells Me So

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Ever since I got that email a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been scouring my spam for something funny. You wouldn’t expect me to come up with something humorous on my own, would you? Well, I definitely struck gold with this one. Once again, the email will be in italics and my comments will be in bold.

Subject: This is concerning your music, please take a look..

Already we’re off to a weird start. What music? I don’t write/perform music, so are they talking about the music I listen to? I don’t even do that as much as I used to.

Hi,

Hi to you too! We must be old friends if you’re greeting me like this!

We’ve been checking out music sites and music pages and we want to invite you to start a free artist page on the fastest growing music site on the web. This site is simply like no other.

Well, none of those musics sites were my sites.

IACmusic.com is an indie all-star site, it recently got mention in Rolling Stone, and has been called the online world’s most innovative music portal. We reach out to bring in artists who are truly creative with influences vast.

That’s why you’re resorting to spam messaging to bring in “artists who are truly creative with influences vast?” Who even speaks like that? In English, putting the adjective after the noun it modifies is considered poetic. But this is an email, not poetry!

Cashbox Magazine found the quality of music on the site so outstanding that now all content on their Indie Charts comes directly from IAC. Our traffic is huge and growing, word of mouth is off the hook,

You did NOT just say “off the hook.” Haha.

and our station set-up is years beyond any other music site. Meanwhile, our community is thriving with station managers who actively pounce on the new releases and will help promote your songs for you.

I don’t want to be a part of any site that has active pouncing.

We are about the music and indie culture. No cookie-cutters were used in the making of this site.

I don’t think any site was ever creatd by cookie-cutters. No offense meant to any highly intelligent, highly capable cookie cutters that are reading this post.

IAC is colorful and magical, to reflect the creativity of the artists themselves.

Magical? Really?

If you choose, you can sell your downloads, set your own price and you get 100% of the take. You can build digital CDs called DMDs which include the revolutionary IAC Ultrapage.

Okay, you’re losing me here. But I guess I’m not really the intended target of this email anyway. Even though you sent it to me. Right in my inbox.

IAC’s dedicated support department is always there to answer your questions. Check out the site here. If you want to find real listeners, this is the place to do it.

Here’s a direct shortcut to start a free page. Any additional exposure will help you get your music to the world.

Hope to hear your songs at IAC soon!

Toby, a&r – IACmusic.com

Alright, that’s it. Nothing really to say about the end of the email. However, I do have something to say to:

Naomi Solomon
Brian Hunt
Lugo Clamorous (that doesn’t even sound like a real name!)
Mr. Pinkett
Mr. Van Wlliam (that’s an awkwardly spelled name)
Mr. Phil Herald
Kumar Iqbal
Mr. Richard Carpenter
Mrs. Rita Simmons
Juan I Kay
Mr. Edison Walker (he must be legit, he’s named after a famous scientist!)
Mrs. Joy David
Miss Lily Jones
Mrs. Rebecca Williams (you sure get around, girl, I’ve gotten tons of emails from you!)
Mr. Harry Cook (poor guy, I don’t really want to think “hairy” when I think of cooking)
Pastor Eric (credibility goes way up when it’s a pastor…who runs a lottery?)
Mrs. Mariam Cox
and last but not least:
Mr. Huang Tianwen

I’m not interested in the millions of dollars I’ve won in foreign lotteries (that I never entered) or left to me by relatives who I don’t know (because I’m not related ot them). Thanks for the offer though!

Landing in Enemy Territory

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I never get the paper, but last Sunday I did, to get some coupons that were in it. I didn’t take the time to read the paper (except for the Comics, can’t skip those!), but something caught my eye:

Aerial Delivery Goes Awry

It seems that UNC wanted to kick off the season by having parachute jumpers land in the stadium with the game ball. Due to bad weather, miscommunication, and poor judgment, the parachute jumpers were dropped off at the wrong stadium.

The stadium of UNC’s big rival, Duke. I’ve been trying to make a spiritual analogy out of this, but really, this is just a funny story in and of itself.

I laugh because the story says that the jumpers knew “only when they landed in [Duke's stadium] that they were in the wrong place.” Their slow descent into the stadium, where they could see the fans decked in the team colors, apparently didn’t give it away because there were few/no fans there an hour before their game. The ACC just doesn’t do football like other, Bigger (ahem) conferences.

Have a wonderful, restful, worshipful, and re-energizing Sunday!

Sing It with Me: “Every Superwomen Needs a Superman…”

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What? It’s Friday? Cool! Gotta love 4-day work weeks…

Since I haven’t been serious here for a couple of days, I thought we’d continue to have some fun today. Sound good? Now Timmy, that doesn’t mean that you can stomp on my foot. Lucy, stop chewing on the table! You all sure get wild around here without some structure!

Moving on. Let’s play…Fun…Searches…on…TaleOfAKansasGirl!

“what the hell is woo me” – Yes, someone actual typed that into Google. I don’t think that it responds better if you cuss at it.

“encouraging things to say to a girl” – Aww, this is sweet. It makes me want to squeeze the guy. Unless he’s a 50yo man. Then I’m creeped out.

“carry capri sun planes” – I hadn’t realized that Capri Sun had gotten into the aerospace industry.

“flipping chickens” – Apparently this never gets old.

“am i an encouraging person?” – Sadly, Google might have been able to answer this for you based on what you do online. I, however, cannot.

“conclusion of why do people need friend?” – What? Was someone making an argument on whether you need friend (singular)?

“revelations of a single women” – Women, we are one collective unit. Fortunately, we’re allowed more than one revelation.

“virtual girl cathy” – This is just sad.

“gril pics” – Umm, yeah.

“grammar mistakes in real life” – Okay, so I deserve this. I’m certainly not immune from grammar mistakes.

“magic english jenny pow” – No commentary needed.

“kansas city crazy blog love monte cristo” – Again, no commentary needed.

“ate them with its butt” – Yuck.

“kansas sue my roommate for not paying rent” – I’m paying my rent, k?

“side sleepers, drool” – Haha. I guess I shouldn’t be embarrassed by it. Otherwise, why would I have posted it for all to see?

“looks like an oyster” – If it also walks like an oyster, I think it IS an oyster.

“silly girls” – Google, you know me too well. But there is only one girl behind this blog.

“laryngitis talks too much” – Is that why I lose my voice? Oops.

“chop-my-hair” – I don’t get the dashes.

“every superwomen needs a superman lyrics” – Seriously? I’m not sure how well a song like would do, especially with the grammatical error.

“how to scratch a mans back the right way” – Isn’t this personal preference?

“what should i take in my carry-on flight bag to fly from texas to kansas??” – Again, personal preference has a lot to do with it. I like to half several books, a snack, and my pj’s, at least.

“trees and tire swing advertising” – Sometimes I really wonder what Google was thinking. (and don’t even try to tell me that it’s just a bunch of machines that doesn’t think at all!)

“dr. heath hendrickson wisdom teeth” – Again, I have no idea.

“nigerian twists” – Is this a dance or maybe a drink?

“highlighter stains from party removal” – Pardon my ignorance on the matter, but would someone physically mark you if you had to be removed from a party?

The Nigerian Twist

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I work for a financial counseling and education organization. Part of what we do is consumer protection. We do what we can to make our clients aware of scams and how to avoid dealing with shady organizations. In light of this, I pay more attention than most to spam messages and fishy-looking advertisements. I want to know how they are trying to rip people off and their latest strategies so I can warn others.

As I read this email, I thought it was an interesting take on the Nigerian scheme. I decided to put it here with my running commentary. What is in the original email is in italics, and my comments are in bold.

Subject: Becarefull !!! (Fraud Alert)

Thank you for telling me that your email was fraud before I even opened it.

Those People you are dealing with are fake.

As are you. Wait a minute, who am I dealing with? My bank? My boss? My friends?

I am Susan Walter, I am a US citizen, 39years. I reside here in Houston Texas. My residential address is asfollows.

#503 Madison Ave. Apt York,
Houston Texas, United States

Interesting. No one in the States actually writes “United States” at the end of their address if they’re giving it to a fellow American. Nor is “York” a proper apartment number.

I am one of those that executed a contract in Nigeria years ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid over$70,000 trying to get my payment all to no avail. So I decided to travel down to Nigeria with all my contract documents.

One of the things that amazes me about this email is the caliber of the English. It’s awkward in several places, but the vocabulary is great and generally the grammar is correct. I think I would have tried a different approach if I had paid $70,000 “to no avail.” When do you throw in the towel? After paying $100,000?

And I was directed to meet Barr. Mat Oto, who is the member of CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE, and Icontacted him and he explained everything to me. He said that those contacting us through emails are fake.Then he took me to the paying bank, which is Zenith Bank, and I am the happiest woman on this earthbecause I have received my contract funds of $4.2Million USD.

I think my favorite part is, “He said that those contacting us through emails are fake.” Yet you’re contacting me through an email…

Moreover, Barr. Mat Oto showed me the full information of those that have not received their payment; and Isaw your email, your contract amount, your phone number etc.

If you saw my phone number, then why didn’t you give me a call instead?

This is what you have to do now. You have to contact him direct on this information below. Name;: Barrister Mat OtoEmail: ;
esq_mat.oto@vista.aero
phone number +234-803324556789
Address: 13, Zion Street, Ikeja Lagos Nigeria

You really have to stop your dealing with those contacting you, because they will dry you up until you have nothing to eat.

You’re right, I need to stop dealing with you “Mrs. Susan Walter” and others who are contacting me. No worries there!

The only money I paid was just $1,200 for IRS, which you know. So you have to take note ofthat. I can give you my number here in the state if you care for it. Thanks , Mrs. Susan Walter

Wow, she must really know me. How else would she know that I have received training in the IRS code…wait a minute, $1,200 for the IRS? I DON’T know that.

And Then I Found 110 Dollars

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One of the good things about our apartment complex is that it directly connects to the neighborhood next door. This allows for an easy shortcut as well as gives us a place to go on evening walks.

Thursday night as Dori and I were heading out for a walk (we were in a hurry because we wanted to get back in time for the SYTYCD finale) we ran into our friend Jen who was coming over to watch the show with us. So, the three of us head out on one of our usual routes through the neighborhood.

There are several places where bushes have grown over the sidewalk, and as we were walking by one such place Jen looks down and sees that there are two bills in the bush sitting right on top.

The bill on top was a $10 bill. Okay, that’s a lot to randomly find. And the bill folded underneath?

A $100 bill. No joke. We just found $110 in the bush.

Dori checked to see if it was real (it was), and I wondered if this was some drug payment (“I’ll leave the payment in the bush, you come by and drop the dope and take the cash.”) It seemed too out in the open for that, though.

We decided to find out if the $110 belonged to the person that lived in that house. As we walked up his super-steep driveaway past the 5 old Volvos in the street and driveaway, Dori rings the doorbell and a vicious dog responds.

We wait and we wait. After several minutes, a middle-aged man in a Volvo (would you expect any less?) drove up, and we told him what we found. He assured us that it hadn’t lost a $100 bill, but that his son lived there too and it might be his. We gave it to him and went on our way. I think that he would have been okay with us keeping it, but I wouldn’t feel right especially since we found it on his property and it could have been his son’s.

I wish we had taken a picture of the $110, because who will believe us that we found that much in a bush? But that is what we found. Dori told me later that she wondered if we were on some sort of candid camera trying to find out if people were honest or not. I guess we would have passed the test!

What is the weirdest or most expensive thing you’ve ever found?

Thirteen Things That Have Crossed My Mind This Week

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Thirteen Things That Have Crossed My Mind This Week:

1. I’m afraid to admit how many times I’ve been tempted to doodle on my feet or legs. Will I never learn my lesson?

2. I understand why doctors have such horrible handwriting. The longer I have to take notes for school, the messier my writing gets. Good thing I’m done in December, or no one would ever be able to read my writing!

3. I won a $25 giftcard to Papa John’s from Smoochiefrog. I have been craving their thin crust cheese pizza. Yum yum!

4. When my roommate’s family came to visit (with only 4 nephews and 1 niece!), we found a coupon in the pull-out couch. It’s for Cling-Free, a product I’ve never heard before. It’s worth 25 cents. And it expired August 31, 1992.

5. When I saw one of those Darwin fish stickers the other day, I got to thinking. There aren’t any fish with legs, so isn’t this just drawing attention to a weak point in their theory (missing links)?

6. Scrabulous on facebook got pulled right about the same time I started to lose interest and stopped checking it. Coincidence? Actually, yes it is.

7. When I worked at Walmart, people were constantly stealing for us. Of course. At my current place of work, we’ve not had one issue with someone stealing things, and we deal with people that are often pretty down on their luck. I think our major security feature is the fact that our office is like a maze, so if someone were to think about stealing something, they would be afraid they wouldn’t be able to make a quick escape.

8. I babysat last minute from a family I know and love. The kids are well behaved, but apparently I’ve become the fun person, so they were incredibly wound up when I was there. You spend too much time connecting with a kid and making jokes with them, and they start to forget that you’re in charge!

9. Also while babysitting, the kids said that I look “different.” I hadn’t really planned on seeing anyone, so I just threw my hair back, and my eye makeup was starting to smudge. I guess they aren’t used to seeing me like that at the end of the day!

10. Yesterday I went to a hilarious website (I forgot who recommended it to me…if it was you, let me know and I’ll give you credit!) and laughed so hard that I cried. It’s not that unusual, but I’ve never done that when I was laughing silently (in order not to attract attention!

11. I’ve been making new friends thanks to the Bloggy Giveaway Carnival. If you haven’t checked it out, I recommend you do! Winning stuff is great (and I hope I do!) but making friends is better.

12. Irish gave me an “I Believe, Share the Magic” award today. I really appreciated what she said about me:

“Ronnica is so neat and more transparent on her blog than I could ever dream to be! And a South Paw just like me! She’s so very honest and interactive between herself and you the reader. I don’t even know how I stumbled onto hers, but she was doing this fantastic YOU, YOU, YOU post/meme. Just for fun I joined and we’ve been following each other and emailing ever since. (I still need to rent Mona Lisa Smile- that’s who she likened me to.)”

13. I’ve started to memorize I prayer from The Valley of Vision. It’s a great book of Puritan prayers. I’ve never memorized someone else’s prayers, but these are a great reminder of my own sinfulness and my Savior’s perfection.

Check out other Thursday Thirteens.

And How about a Laugh?

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Last night as I was studying for my final today, I randomly wrote on the heel of my foot as I was memorizing for class. I wrote, “WEBD MCTL” which will mean nothing to you, but it is how I’m remembering the benefits of expository preaching. I laughed and thought, “Whoa, I could totally cheat with this!” Not being a cheater (I learned that lesson a long time ago!) and never having the temptation to cheat on a test, I realized I must get this off my foot as I’ll most definitely be wearing flip flops or strappy heels tomorrow as I have every day this week.

Later in the evening, I went to scrub it off. And I scrubbed. And I scrubbed. And I to exfoliated. Yikes. Still, barely discernable the now pink letters “WEBD MCTL” are on my foot. I’m hoping one more scrub before the test and they’ll be no more! Regardless, I’ll definitely be keeping my feet on the ground for the test, figuratively AND literally.

Now on to the funnier questions:

Elizabeth asked, “Have you ever done something dumb to impress a guy?”
I probably should call up my old friends and ask them this question. Honestly, I can’t think of anything right off hand, but I’m sure I’ve done something. I have been known to try to time my exit of a classroom to talk with a certain guy or to play a game I didn’t like just to be near him. I’m too shy with guys to do something over-the-top stupid. I just might pretend that I’m stupider than I am around them, sometimes.

Apple Joos asked, “Black and white or color?”
Totally color no matter what you are talking about. I’m not a huge fan of black and white photography. I don’t look that good dressed in black and white (though I have some…I guess I follow trend after all). And the color part of Wizard of Oz is so much better than the black and white part.

Ted asked, “What is the air speed velocity of a common unladen swallow?” Hey, I guess there has to be at least one smart alleck in the bunch. Lynda continued, “Add to Ted’s question…with or without a coconut?”
Sadly, I’ve never seen this movie all the way through. I fell asleep. That’s what I get for trying to watch it in the afternoon after staying up way too late the night before. I’m afraid that I’ll have to refer you both to your friendly neighborhood ornithologist. (As a side note, I once got 2nd place in an ornithology competition…)

Riley asked, “What is dark matter?”
What does it matter?

And “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
I’ve never seen a chicken cross the road, so I’ll have to defer to an expert on this one.

And “What is a googol?”
1 followed by a hundred 0s. The real question is why the search engine changed the spelling.

And “What is a group of larks called?”
Larksen.

And “What are the names of Scrooge McDuck’s grandnephews in the animated television series DuckTales?”
I’m insulted by the fact that you wouldn’t think I would remember this. Did all the hours we spent together watching DuckTales mean nothing to you? Huey (short for Color Hue), Dewey (short for Dewey Decimal), and Louie (short for King Louis XVI)! DuckTales, who-ooo!

And “Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?”
Obviously, you don’t know your television history like I do. In the olden days, you had to have both the television box and the bunny ears in order for your TV to be worth looking at. And for history buffs like me, this is still the case.

And “If Wile Coyote had a enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner instead of chasing Road-Runner?”
He was sponsored by Acme to use their products on his show. He actually has no money, thus the need to try to trap/kill/trick his dinner.

And “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
You’ve succeeded in being a failure.

And “If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?”
Earth in “earthquake” just means ground. Don’t be silly.

And “If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it? Solid!”
Gross, Riley. He’s my brother, if you couldn’t tell. I will not dignify this question with a comment. But I would like to say that no one is crazy enough to enjoy diarrhea. And if they do? Then they should be forced to see a doctor and drink some prune juice! And if diarrhea is all that common, I’m buying stock in the yummy pink stuff.

Happy Friday to you all! And, if you made it through all the nonsense, I want to let you know that Monday I’ll be posting a giveaway of my favorite summer treat!

This Water Fountain Given in Honor of Ronnica

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As I was walking between buildings on campus in an attempt to stay awake in class by warming up and grabbing some caffeine, I noticed that one more old bench had been replaced by a dedicated bench. You know the type, “This bench is in honor of Dr. blah blah blah” or “This bench is in loving memory of Suzy Que, class of 1978.” It made me think about what I would want to be donated or named after me.

I don’t want a bench. People put their butts on benchs. I’ve never gotten how that was a tribute to someone you love.

I don’t want a building. There’s something way too pretentious about having your name on a building.

I don’t want a street. I would hate to hear this report on the radio, “Suzy Que was killed on Ronnica Street early Friday morning after falling asleep at the wheel.”

I would want a water fountain named after me. Think about it. It’s practical. It gives something benefitial, something that never goes out of style. When you’re thirsty and you spot a water fountain, it makes you smile, right? Ah, refreshing. That’s how I want to be remembered.

So, how about you? What would you want named after you?

Funny, Yet Unrelated

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A guy down the hall at work that I’ve never met (the place I work is SMALL, but we do share an office with a lot of other places) came in yesterday afternoon and asked if I had put a Diet Dr. Pepper in the fridge, because he accidently grabbed it as his own. Knowing me, you know that I answered the affirmative. He was quite apologetic and offered to replace it, but I agreed to take his Diet Coke instead. And here you thought I drank nothing else but the wonderfully bubbly stuff. I love when people are civil and humble about their honest mistakes!

I had a dream the other night that I was on SYTYCD. I was accused by one of the other contestants of being pregnant (and thus unable to dance), so I had to go to the doctor to get checked out. They apparently thought I was a threat and were trying to take me out of the competition. As you can see, I dream big! He asked me if I was experiencing any discomfort and I practically yelled, “No! Because I’m not pregnant! I’m a VIRGIN!!!” Apparently people have as hard a time of grasping that in my dream as they do in real life.

In class yesterday, we watched a whole sermon at the very end of class. Our professor passed out worksheets to use to evaluate it. I figured we would just be discussing it after, so I took some notes, mainly in a style for me to remember what I was thinking. And then I proceeded to day dream for a good 10 minutes or so of the sermon. When it finished up, conveniently as the last seconds of class escaped before us, our professor said, “Okay, just pass your papers in, and I’ll take a look at what you wrote overnight.” I froze up. While I had written stuff down, it was in no way coherent or particularly relevant without some translation by me. But I had to head out to work, so I didn’t take the time to fix it. I definitely felt like I was transported back to high school!

I Scratch Your Back (with My Left Hand, of Course)

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I’m a lefty. If you’re a lefty too, you’ll probably appreciate this post. If you’re a righty, well, you need to read this post.

I just realized how many times I make certain that I make things helpful for righties. When I would empty the dishwasher at the house I babysat, I would purposely put the knives back in the knife holder the “right” way (with the blade on the left side). When I send out something in a manilla envelope at work, I always make sure that the opening is on the right of the package. When I’m at a restaurant, I make sure my left elbow isn’t against your right elbow, unless your my brother. But then, he always makes sure he’s not on my left side (though sometimes he works to make sure he’s not on my “right” side either).

Maybe my handedness has made ultra conscious about such things. That is probably the trick. Lefties usually know who else are lefties among their friends. We share a special bond. I can’t even begin to tell you how many righty friends I have that after years of spending time together will tell me, “I never knew you were a lefty!” When you’re in the “right,” there’s no need to be looking out for the few lefties around, right? Besides, us lefties tend to be better with our right hands than righties are with their left hands. It’s the consequence of living in the right-dominated world.

Working as a secretary, I find it difficult to file papers. I’m sorry to say that our file cabinet is a very hodge podge collection of “right” files and “left” files. At least I try to keep consistent within each file. Stapling papers that are landscape not portrait is also troubling. I can’t figure out what way is “right.”

Consider the products that are made with righties in mind: camera, computer mouse, pencil sharpener (or at least they are installed that way), card-swiping machines, folders, cars with gas caps on the driver’s side (like mine…I have to walk around the car or hop over the hose to get back to my door). There are many more, but that is what came to mind.

A few helpful hints for righties:

Just because I put my drink to the left of my plate does not make it yours.

Please don’t ask me to cut something for you. Even my favorite pair of scissors (that are supposed to be for either hand) are righty. I can cut a few things just fine, but the more I do it, the more the handles cut into my hand.

Hand me change back to my outstretched left hand. It’s just plain awkward for me to try to hold and maneuver it in my right hand. I just end up looking clumsy.

If you are asking me to sign something, don’t place it all the way to the left of the counter and/or slanted to the right. Since you can’t know my handedness by just looking at me (I hope!), just place it in the middle with no significant slant. That way righties or lefties can sign with ease.

Talking about signing things…if you’re going to attach the pen to the desk, please give it a long enough leash for me to use it on the left side of the desk/counter. I had a big problem with this when I went to vote, and had to check out all the voting stations to find one with a pen-leash long enough!

So, I guess with this post, all I’m asking for is a little respect and consideration from the righties of the world. Do you really think the “right” way is the only way?