Ignorant Historian

Too long ago, I asked you all if you had some questions for me.  Cammy did, and she commented:

My question is a two parter: First, how do you feel about having been single for so long? And second, how do you combat the loneliness (if you get lonely)?  I ask because I need the advice. I am sooo bad at being single :(

I have been single for a long time.   All of my adult life, really.  I go through ups and downs, but right now it’s about the easiest it has been.  As they say, practice makes perfect…or something like that.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I sometimes buy into the stigma of being single.  I’m thankful to have other single ladies in my life, of all ages, which helps me to not feel so alone.  We’re designed to desire the intimacy of marriage…and I do desire it.  So though I think about that several times a day, it’s not a consuming thought.

I think I’ve mentioned it on the blog before, but one of the hardest things to do solo is go to church events.  I have lots of friendships at church, but I still don’t like to go to anything alone.  Usually I will only go with someone else.

And yes, Cammy, I do get lonely.  Though this is one of the easier times for me, I still occasionally go to sleep crying (or more often, feel like it, but can’t get the tears to come).  When I’m struggling with loneliness, one of the best things for me is to turn my focus outwards, away from me.  It’s not about me.  How can I worship God?  How can I serve others?  Of course, I don’t always have this attitude and choose to wallow instead, but I know it helps when I do adopt that outward focus.  After all, being single we often have more control over our “free” time than others do.

I don’t think it’s possible to be “good” at singleness.  I hope that helps you, Cammy, and anyone else who struggles with singleness.  It is a gift…but it’s not always a “fun” one.

Photo by Niffty

For obvious reasons, I’ve been thinking about weddings a lot.  Not about my own dream wedding, but about making that type of commitment to one man, for the rest of my life.

A former roommate (and current blog reader), Cindy, would have phrase she’d say when she’d come home from yet another of her friends’ weddings.  “The cheese stands alone.”  You know, from “Farmer in the Dell?”  Everyone else gets picked, but the cheese stands alone.

As much as there is  joy and happiness in seeing a good friend get married, there is some loneliness in being left behind.  We’re social creatures, and I believe that we’re designed for marriage.  That desire within me is good and right…as long as marriage stays in its place, not taking the throne of my heart.

I often say that I’m okay with being single, as long as I’m not the only one.  When I take the time to count my blessings instead of crying over my losses, I do realize that I have a sweet life now.  Many of my favorite things about my life would be changed if I were no longer single.  It seems like I have to remind myself over and over to enjoy them now while I have them.

But yet part of me worries about being the last one married (or never married at all).  What if all my friends get married?  They all want to be married, so of course I want that for them as well.  But selfishly, I want at least a couple of them to stay unmarried at least for as long as I am.

As my roommate rode with me on our way back from Georgia and heard me tell the story of what Cindy would say.  Her response?

“The cheeseS stand alone.”

Indeed.  Why do I worry about the possibility of being the only one of my friends still single?  That’s not where God has me yet, and may never have me.  And if that’s where He wants me, He’ll give me the grace to endure it.

So maybe the cheese doesn’t stand alone after all.

Photo by orangeacid

I wrote this post last week, and it’s not really where I’m at right now.  I had a wonderful time with my ABF class at church on Saturday which was exactly what I needed.  Still, I wanted to share what I’ve been through because I know there are others who are still there or will be there.

In the past week or so, I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness.  Not only is there the usual ache of walking alone on a path built for two, but there has been added emphasis on how alone I truly am through several unrelated incidents.

Perhaps it’s silly, but hearing from others about their loneliness makes me lonely.  Perhaps it’s what happens when you’re truly sharing one another’s burdens, you feel what they feel.  I’m glad to do it for friends, old or new.

Another thing that can (and has) made me lonely is to know that a crush won’t work out.  Not that I necessarily assume it will, but hopes disappointed always hurt, don’t they?

Then there’s the disappointments that can come from friendships.  Being sinful creatures, we’re bound to let each other down, aren’t we?

So, I just wanted to share that I’ve been lonely.  I know that I’m not the only one, so perhaps hearing my story will help someone else feel less lonely.  There is comfort in the loneliness, and for that I’m incredibly grateful.  I have friends and family who love me through this time.  But most of all, though, the comfort comes in the fact that this world won’t last forever.

And I can’t wait until the next.

Photo by JuriaYoshikawa

What is a single girl to do on a Friday or Saturday night when she is home alone? I’ve had many of these nights and I rarely get into a poor-poor-pitiful-me thing, but this Friday I started to feel a little blue.

The truth is that several Friday or Saturday nights are spent babysitting. Others are filled with homework or hanging out with friends. A few, however, I spend at home without any real plans. This doesn’t bother me too often, but this past Friday as I was hanging out at the pool, the lonely melancholy within me almost brought me to tears (not a difficult task). Fortunately the inappropriate context in which to cry kept the tears in check (what would the family that was at the pool with me think? who goes to a pool and cries, unless they get too much chlorine in their eyes?).

I then resolved that if I was going to grow up an old maid, then I would be the best-read old maid around. Reading is my favorite pastime, so it just makes sense to truly enjoy this extra time one my hands as a gift from God.

I then started thinking about other ways I can use this free time. I can use it to study God’s Word, always a worthy pursuit. I can use it to minister to the needs and cares of those around me, definitely something worthwhile.

Could I sit around and mope about my single status? Of course. Is this wise or helpful? Doubtful. That’s why I’m going to choose not to do it. It doesn’t mean that I have to think being home alone on a Friday night is the best thing in the world, but I can choose to enjoy the free evenings I’ve got.