Ignorant Historian

The evening started out innocently enough. Having just finished my last spiritual growth book, I went to my TBR bookshelf and picked up Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney. The subtitle “Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother” made me chuckle, since I’m not a wife or a mother and have no prospects of becoming either.

But then I sat down to read it. Read the forward, great. Read the first chapter introducing the studied scripture Titus 2, no problem. I’ve even written a paper on it myself.

But then I got to the next chapter, “The Delight of Loving My Husband.” As I continued to read on as merely an interested observer I thought, “What if I still will get married?” My heart started to beat loudly within my chest.

I’m sure that sounds silly, but it’s true. While somewhere hidden inside I still desire to get married, I’ve written off my 28-year-old self as a hopeless cause.

I guess you can only hear “I’m sure you’ll get married” (always accompanied with a look of pity and a pat on the shoulder) so many times before it becomes a mockery.

In the last two years, I’ve come a long way towards being content in my singleness and have truly enjoyed it and the freedom it affords.

But somehow with that, slowly but surely, has come the resignation that since I’m 28 and contentedly single (well, more often than not), I’ll continue to be single the rest of my days.

I don’t know where I’ve gotten that ridiculous idea. I’m 28–only 2 years over the average age women get married. I think it must be the same kind of thing you tell yourself when you’re up for an award: “It won’t be me; it won’t be me,” just to try to keep yourself from being too disappointed when it’s not you (though somehow you still really think you will win because you “deserve” it).

But when I read that chapter, I allowed myself that dangerous hope once again. The hope that I won’t be spending the majority of my evenings alone.

And as I felt that hope rising within me, I felt my hardened heart opening itself up, allowing itself to be vulnerable, showing its soft inside.

And it hurts.

Photo Credit: David Schexnaydre

1.  How often have you returned book to the library unread?

Fairly frequently, probably 1 in 3 or 4 books that I return. It’s not my intent, but if I lose interest or I haven’t gotten to the book before it’s requested by someone else or it’s reached the end of its renewals (umm, after 6 months!), I’ll take it back.

2.  What are your favorite games to play?

I like card games like Nerts and Euchre and party games like ImaginIff and Apples to Apples.

3.  How do you feel about arranged marriages?

I would do it if it was based on his character, not what he could bring to the family. Though I am glad to have the chance to pick my own husband.

4.  Which do you prefer: the original Star Wars trilogy, or the new one?

I actually like Episodes I-III (the newer ones) better.  I love all the foreshadowing.  Perhaps if I had gone to the original ones in the theater (the first time they came out…I saw them when they did the updated ones in the 90s) they would be more special to me.

5.  When did you learn to swim?

I think I was a bit older, but you’d have to ask my mom. I remember taking swim lessons after we moved to our new house when I was in 2nd grade, so it was probably when I was 8 or so when I officially learned.  It’s still one of my favorite things to do.

Make sure you come by Monday…I have something that I can’t wait to share with you all!

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what it takes to become the woman that God wants me to be — whom I want to be.

I’m only 27.  By most accounts, I can expect to live another 50 years, God willing.  50 years is a long time, and I’d hate to not have grown during that time.  I don’t want to be the same person in 2060 that I am in 2010.

I have examples all around me of women who have walked this earth longer than me.  Some are good examples, aging gracefully (I’m not talking about outward appearance), while some aren’t, with every word they speak dripping with bitterness and self-focus.

I want to be like the first group of ladies.  I’ve done a lot of observing (for this non-observant person), trying to determine how to be on the right path.  While I don’t know all their secrets yet, here are a few things I’ve figured out:

1.  Inward focus will cause you to atrophy.  My life is not about me.

2.  If I want to really know my Bible when I’m older, I need to spend time studying, reading, and memorizing it now.

3.  Submission is always hard, especially in marriage.  But I can practice now by being submissive to the leaders God has placed in my life, and most of all, to God.

4.  To have a mouth that speaks encouraging, gentle, and thought-provoking words, I need to have the thoughts that match.

5.  Being a servant to others can be a joy.  Put others’ needs first…God will care for my own.

6.  I need help.  I need women in my life that will help guide me in truth.

Knowing these things is easy…implementing them is hard.  I want to be a good example for the next generation of women.

I have a long way to go, but God is faithful.

Photo by Gabriela Camerotti

“…you won her over. Gave up everything for her. Maybe that’s the only way to convince her you love her.” – Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins, p. 329

“Many churches speak about homosexuality in terms of sin and judgment but about divorce in terms of forgiveness and grace. When a same sex couple goes down to the courthouse to petition for a marriage certificate, the Christians show up with sandwich boards. Do they also show up when their congregants go to the same courthouse to petition for an “unbiblical divorce?” Likely not. And the hypocrisy on this issue has not escaped the next generation.” -“Why Our Generation Doesn’t Care About Prop 8″ by Jonathan Merritt

“I asked the children [from the suburbs] where the slums were. But they said there were no slums near where they lived, only far away, in the city.” – The Love Wife by Gish Jen, p. 44

“We’re fickle, stupid beings with poor memories and a great gift for self-destruction.” – Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins, p. 379

“Annie, being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of…you’re like a unicorn.” – Shirley, Community, “The Politics of Human Sexuality”

“He is the God that understands that I just miss being loved by a lover….I am blessed in the truest sense of the word.  I am also a little lonely.” – Amy Beth Bullard, “The God Who Understands”

“Finally, he can see me for who I really am. Violent. Distrustful. Manipulative. Deadly. And I hate him for it.” – Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins, p. 232

“A proud person tries to reinvent reality. He tries to redraw the borders of human behavior to suit himself, displacing God as the Lord and boundary keeper of life.” – Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be by Cornelius Plantinga, Jr., p. 125

“I noticed, too, it was the cruelest thing you could say about a person–that they were small.” – Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl

(advice given against early engagements) “…if a man is going through a woods, and sees a good young sapling, he may mark it and come back afterward and get it, if he can.” – Most Famous Man in America

” ‘Oh, no. It costs a lot more than your life. To murder innocent people?’ says Peeta. ‘It costs everything you are.’ ” – Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins, p. 23

How about a little controversy, shall we?  It’s been too long, hasn’t it?

If I only had to go by the reaction to the Judge Walker’s decision on California’s Proposition 8 that I saw on Twitter, Facebook, and television, I’d assume he was the people’s hero.  I hope that’s not quite the case…I know I’m not the only one saddened by last Wednesday’s decision.

Though I don’t know if I’ve specifically mentioned it (in 999 posts…yes, that makes tomorrow’s the 1000th…get ready for it!), I don’t think you’d be surprised to find that I take the biblical, traditional, and (until recent years) only definition of marriage.  We all have the right (regardless of our sexual preferences) to marry an unmarried adult of the opposite sex.  Equal rights.

So yes, I was saddened by Judge Walker’s decision.  But you may be surprised to know that what saddened me wasn’t primarily the decision against marriage.

First, I was disappointed that the federal government once again has unconstitutionally taken away power from the states.  If the people of California decided to refine “marriage”, I would have to accept that (though I would still argue that they are wrong).  That is their decision.  But the decision was taken out of their hands.  They no longer have that right.

And if they no longer have that right as the residents of California, I no longer have that right as a resident of North Carolina.

But more than that, what saddened me was that there is now a precedence for the out-right disregarding of gender.

We no longer have to use the slippery slope argument.  You can get a judge to almost anything as long as they have a legal precedence to do it.

And now there is.

If gender no longer legally matters in marriage, should it in a draft?  I think it’s pretty clear that the logical answer is “no.”

What about dorm room assignments?

The sex of chaperones on school trips?

“So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.” – Genesis 1:27, NASU

I think this is a pretty good time to remind you of the comment policy.  Thanks, loves!

Photo by Joe Gratz

“I didn’t want to be treated as a girl-like-all-others, but as Anne-on-her-own-merits.” – Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl

“Only women are called on to prove that they are ‘comfortable in this way.” (by taking off their clothes in front of cameras) – Girls Gone Mild by Wendy Shalit, p. 156

” ‘What you mean is,’ I said caustically, ‘that religion is really just for idiots, weaklings, and defectives.’  ’Oh, dear,’ Jennifer grinned rather nervously at me.  ’How awful.  But yes…yes, if I’m honest, I suppose that is what I think.” – The Spiral Staircase by Karen Armstrong, p. 114

“Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I have a forty-eight hour day.  I have the same amount of time as everyone else.” – Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? by Carolyn McCulley, p. 128

“…nowhere in the Establishment clause have I ever seen the words, ‘God-believing people are to be relegated beyond considered judgment.” - Girls Gone Mild by Wendy Shalit, p. 191

“You’ve known me for two years, Sweets.  You should expect to be impressed by me.” – Bones on Bones episode “The rocker in the Rinse Cycle”

“My mathematics–until now the only firm and immutable island in my entire dislocated world–has also broken off its moorings, is also floating, whirling.” - We by Yevgeny Zamyatin, p. 101

“Unfortunately, if a man does not behave like a gentleman and treat women with respect, there is very little a woman can say to change his behavior.” – Girls Gone Mild by Wendy Shalit, p. 277

“Knowing His standards and goals for marriage helps two individuals live together for a greater common goal than their own pleasure and preferences.” – Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? by Carolyn McCulley, p. 94

“My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him.” – Derek Loux

“We hear so much from feminists about not being ‘objectified by men,’ but we are learning that self-objectification is not a path to lasting confidence, either.” – Girls Gone Mild by Wendy Shalit, p. 165-166

In a depraved world, there’s all kinds of things that could make me sad.  Lately, one that has stood out to me over and over again is the ugliness of divorce.

While I do believe that the Bible allows for divorce in certain cases (a subject for another post), there is something incredibly wrong with our society when divorce is not only common, but often encouraged when either party as warrant to feel wronged or unhappy.

As an unintentionally single woman*, I can’t really speak to how to make a marriage last.  When I get married, I know it won’t be as easy as it seems on this side of the altar (not that I think it’ll be easy).

Lord willing, I’ll have a loving church family to walk beside me and show me how to be a loving, faithful wife.  I know I’ll need it.

But what can someone in my place do now to help keep myself from a failed marriage? Here are some ideas I’ve gathered from more people and books than I could possibly list:

1.  Know that love is a choice. While it’s also a feeling, deciding to marry someone is choosing to love them even if/when the feeling leaves.

2.  Don’t expect him to be perfect.

3.  If you get together while he’s married to someone else, how can you accept his commitment to love you forever?

4.  Know him before he’s pursuing you so that you’ll have a better idea of his true character (not just his wooing-character).

5.  Focus first on seeking repentance and forgiveness for your own sin before pointing out his (Matthew 7:3-5).

6.  Learn to be submissive to the authorities in your life now (parents (if applicable), pastors, bosses, and God).

7.  Develop a servant’s heart, eyes, and hands; desiring, looking for, and acting on opportunities to serve others.

I know this list is far from complete…what do you think I should add?  I’m especially looking from help from those of you who are or have been married!

*Phrase comes from Connally Gilliam’s book Revelations of a Single Woman

Photo by Donna62

I think that most everything we do is to be done in balance.  I’m always trying to walk the fence between legalism and lawlessness, work and rest, trusting in God’s sovereignty and taking responsibility for my part in the world.

As a single girl (I should probably say “lady” or “woman” but I like “girl” better),  one such area of balance is in the pursuit (sorta) of a husband.

On one hand, I want to do everything I can do get him.  I’d love to pursue the man I’m interested in whole-heartedly.  If I thought it’d work, I’d reveal my interest to him and ask him what he wanted to do about it.

But on the other hand (cue the Randy Travis song in my head), I want to do absolutely nothing.  Instead, I want to trust completely in God’s sovereignty, leaving no room for my work.  If God has a husband for me, He’s perfectly capable of bringing Him into my life, creating interest in me, all at the proper time.

But really, my position lies somewhere in the middle.  I want both, cake and all (actually this whole not-a-diet diet thing has cut out my interest in cake…but not ice cream).  I want to reveal my interest (or at least my opennness) to him, opening the door for him to pursue me.  I also want to trust in God’s sovereignty, knowing that missed chances don’t mean that I’m missing out on the life I’m supposed to have.  Though it’s a topic for another day, I don’t believe in “The One.”

I definitely have fallen pretty far on both sides of the fence I’m walking…but I’ll keep on.

Photo by fotographix

Last night for my birthday, my roommates and I went out for Turkish food and to see the movie Enchanted. We went to the 9:55 showing so I assumed that it would be pretty empty, but I was surprised by who else was in the movie theatre.

Besides the 3 of us, there were only 3 other people there: two guys in their mid-twenties who came together (though they didn’t seem like they were a couple) and a guy in his early-thirties who came by himself. What about this movie appeals to guys? Did they go to the 9:55 showing because they didn’t want anyone to see them?

We all enjoyed the movie which was clearly written for girls like us who grew up with Disney fairy tales: Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and The Little Mermaid (I can’t think of any other allusions, though I certainly might have missed them). Don’t be fooled, this movie is definitely written for adults though the “adult” content is quite mild, it is still there. Moving on.

***Spoiler alert*** (though who doesn’t know how a Disney movie will end?)

As we were leaving the theatre (and after we got done laughing about our fellow audience members), my roommates and I started to discuss the “happily ever after” that Giselle (from the fairy tale land) has. Despite the marriage of their former beaus, Giselle and Robert (from reality) aren’t showed getting married. Maybe it’s supposed to be assumed, but I specifically looked to see if either had a wedding band in the final scene and I couldn’t tell. I think it was intentially overlooked.

Giselle’s “happily ever after” scene consisted of a family (of one child) and running her own design business (of little girls’ princess dresses). (Update: Andie reminded me that she also saved her man from the dragon which is another part of the modern “happily ever after,” minus the dragon of course) What my roommates and I reflected on is that marriage is no longer what our generation dreams of. Sure we want the man, but we want the family and the successful career just as much (if not more so). Getting married to Prince Charming is not enough and not necessarily required for our dreams to come true. Living together is a perfectly legitimate substitute for marriage. In fact, they are interchangable.

I could get mad at Disney about this, but they are merely reflecting our culture. It’s sad, but God’s ideal of marriage is not deemed “necessary” to have a family.

What do you think? If you’ve seen the movie, do you think I’ve painted an accurate picture of it?

I don’t normally go out on a limb and post my political beliefs since very few people read this and I’m sure those who do probably don’t care, but I feel I need to get the word out to anyone who in fact might read this and care about it. I’m one of those people that enjoys talking politics as long as it is civil and sticks to the issues. As a Christian, I find it is important that I vote in a manner that honors the Lord.

After researching the major candidates, I believe Mike Huckabee is the best candidate for president in 2008. While I would love you to join me in supporting him, I would much prefer you to research yourself and come to that conclusion than to simply take my word for it.

Just a few reasons why I like Mike:

He has a strong view of the sanctity of life.

He supports reform of health care that does not involve the government simply taking it over and making a bigger mess of it.

He supports convental marriage.

He has a strong desire to protect our citizens, both internationally and domestically.

He has the leadership experience, more than any other candidate.

I encourage you to check out Mike and the other political candidates. Make an informed decision and don’t rely on someone else to do all the thinking for you. Even if you come to a different conclusion than I did about the right person to lead this country, at least you will have the reasons to back up your opinion.