Ignorant Historian

I haven’t written about singleness in a while. While being single is somewhat of a fundamental distinction, it really isn’t a big part of my life.

Because, really, being single is just the absence of a marriage…kinda a default setting.

There have been points in my life when singleness was a big deal. In my college years and the few years thereafter, especially. Since then, I go through seasons of discontent with my marital status. I’m not in one now though.

In fact, I’m probably the most content with my current situation than I have ever been. I still have my moments of longing, but those often catch me by surprise because they are fairly rare.

I can honestly say that I could see living as a single, content spinster for the rest of my days. The thought doesn’t scare me.

Others, however, don’t seem so content to let me be. I do have some super-supportive family and friends, so I’m definitely not talking about them. But in a few casual conversations, it seems like my marital status seems to have many people tripping over their words. Like they don’t know what they could possibly talk about with an almost-30-year-old single woman.

I promise, it’s really not that much different than talking to another almost-30-year-old woman.

No, I don’t have a husband, but you can still talk about yours. No, I don’t have children of my own, but I enjoy them and don’t feel awkward at all if you talk about yours.

I have a job, interests, and hobbies like most people. Nothing wrong with asking about any of those.

In these casual conversations, it seems like these people desire marriage for me because they see it as my fairy tale ending, as if I’m not quite complete without it. Don’t worry: I’m no longer have any disillusion that marriage is a necessarily happier state than singleness.

And I know that I’m a whole person; I don’t need a man to complete me.

Scratch that. I need Christ to complete me.

My I-know-I'm-being-laid-off-so-I'm-at-least-going-to-look-good outfit

Today I’m being featured over on SITS!  I was featured 3 years ago, back when I was still blogging at Tale of a Kansas Girl.

Not that I’m not still a Kansas girl at heart. But I have lived in North Carolina for the past 6 years and am losing my girliness, as I’m turning 29 in two weeks (for the first and only time).

This year has held a lot of surprises and changes for me. I moved into an apartment of my own this summer and then Halloween was the last day on the job that I’ve had since I’ve lived here.

The next coming months are bound to bring more changes as I find a new job and gain a niece for the first time (due December 26th!). Also due December 26th is my self-published novel. If you enjoy young adult or futuristic books, I hope you’ll like The Journal. I’ll be revealing the cover on Monday and more details over the next few weeks.

That not enough about me? Here are a few posts that give more:

30 Before 30 – My list of 30 things to do before I turn 30 next year (3 down, 27 to go)!

With Prince Charming or Not – I’m unintentionally single, though it does have some perks

Children, Pneumonia, and Tornadoes, oh My! - The story of the longest week and a half of my life

I Choose to Hope – I’m battling to have the right attitude about my unemployment, and how I’m actually thankful that it’s made me recognize that I may have been too comfortable

I wasn’t unemployed a week before I realized the similarities between unemployment and singleness. Hear me out:

• You’re in the minority. “Everyone” around you is in a relationship and employed.

• People look on you with pity/sympathy.

• You get a lot of one-time gigs/dates. Okay, I don’t really get dates, but some do. I have been blessed with a few random jobs here and there though.

• Both give you a great degree of freedom. Combined, I could easily turn my schedule upside down, and I’m not sure any one would care. I don’t have any plans on becoming (more of) a night owl. In fact, I’ve slowly been shifting my schedule about an hour or two earlier.

• They are just seasons of life…neither is likely to be terminal.

See what I mean? I’ll enjoy both unemployment and singleness for as long as I have them!

This summer seems never ending, doesn’t it? Summer is my favorite season, but I think I’ve had enough. I’m ready for a change!

But apparently summer will end. We only have 4 more challenges left. Up this week:

“That you step back and (with your husband, if you are married) plan the various forms of your life’s ministry in chapters. Chapters are divided by various things—age, strength, singleness, marriage, employment choices, children at home, children in college, grandchildren, retirement, etc. No chapter has all the joys. Finite life is a series of tradeoffs. Finding God’s will, and living for the glory of Christ to the full in every chapter is what makes it a success, not whether it reads like somebody else’s chapter or whether it has in it what chapter five will have.”

This is the first one that I must say, I’m not sure I entirely agree with. Perhaps I just don’t understand his intent.

I don’t really think it matters how you view the years of your life, as long as you recognize that what God may be calling you to now, may not be what he’s calling you to forever. Sure, life has seasons, but like seasons do, they slowly change. I think rarely does life change abruptly and completely, though there are times that it does, which the term “chapters” implies to me.

So, now I’ve gotten my nitpickiness out of the way, let’s get to what perhaps he really was trying to say. I like that he encourages us women not to compare our lives with another’s. I may be able to do this or that, but just because I have the freedom to do so doesn’t mean that you will. A godly woman doesn’t come from a cookie cutter. In fact, God wants us to do different things, or he wouldn’t have gifted us differently.

At the same time, we aren’t to long for different seasons of our life, past or potential. For me, this can be a real struggle, as I find it easy to long to be a wife and a mother. Thankfully, I have friends in my life that can give me a more realistic picture of those roles than what I find in my daydreams. It’s healthy for me to get a good dose of reality!

Other Posts in This Series:

A Summer of Growth

Peace, Joy, and Strength

Daily Acts of Love

Women of the Book

Women of Prayer

Deep Thinkin’

No More Frittering

Exploiting Not Paralyzing

Keeping Me Honest

To Be God’s Free Agent

Photo by photon_de

I’m not a John Piper fanatic, but lately, some of the things I’ve been reading of his have really “clicked.”  I mentioned last week that I really enjoyed his chapter in Voices of the True Woman Movement. In particular, there was one section where I highlighted almost the whole thing. Appropriately enough, it was addressed to single women.

Piper lists 3 things that illustrated by me (and other single women) by being single, that wouldn’t be if I was married. I’ve never really thought about it before, and it was very encouraging to see my singleness not as a lack, but as a gain. Those three things are:

“A life of Christ-exalting singleness bears witness that the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ.”

I love the large families in our church, but sometimes I wonder if people get the wrong idea when they see large biological families. Do they think that we think we grow the church through popping out babies? Just one of the many random thoughts that run through my head…

“A life of Christ-exalting singleness bears witness that relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families.”

I love my family (hi, Mom!), but this is very true. My closest relationships are those within my church. These are the people that I turn to with the good and the bad things. When I found out I’d need to move with short notice, they jumped right in, helping me find a place, gather everything I needed, and making the move smooth and simple. I was so encouraged by the fact I didn’t even have to ask for the help.

“A life of Christ-exalting singleness bears witness that marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and the church—the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face-to-face.”

It’s hard on this earth to think about marriage being temporary. Everyone’s doing it; when will it be my turn?

But it’s not about my marital status. IT’S NOT ABOUT MY MARITAL STATUS. Sorry, just have to beat that into me sometimes.

Photo by Mr. T in DC

This week’s Challenge to Women is particularly applicable to me:

“That, if you are single, you exploit your singleness to the full in devotion to Christ and not be paralyzed by the desire to be married.”

I absolutely love how this is worded. This has been the “goal” of my singleness, but I’ve never been able to put it so succinctly.

I do want to “exploit” my singleness. I love the freedom and flexibility that comes with my relationship status. It truly is a gift. But it’s not a gift to spend on myself.

The second part of this challenge I love just as much. I don’t want to be “paralyzed by the desire to be married.”

I know what it’s like to be paralyzed—or at least partially paralyzed—by the desire for marriage. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to be held back by some fear that I may be single all my life.

I also don’t want to make my singleness an obstacle, if that makes sense. It’s easy to allow it to hold me back from going places or serving people. I don’t want that to be the case.

The evening started out innocently enough. Having just finished my last spiritual growth book, I went to my TBR bookshelf and picked up Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney. The subtitle “Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother” made me chuckle, since I’m not a wife or a mother and have no prospects of becoming either.

But then I sat down to read it. Read the forward, great. Read the first chapter introducing the studied scripture Titus 2, no problem. I’ve even written a paper on it myself.

But then I got to the next chapter, “The Delight of Loving My Husband.” As I continued to read on as merely an interested observer I thought, “What if I still will get married?” My heart started to beat loudly within my chest.

I’m sure that sounds silly, but it’s true. While somewhere hidden inside I still desire to get married, I’ve written off my 28-year-old self as a hopeless cause.

I guess you can only hear “I’m sure you’ll get married” (always accompanied with a look of pity and a pat on the shoulder) so many times before it becomes a mockery.

In the last two years, I’ve come a long way towards being content in my singleness and have truly enjoyed it and the freedom it affords.

But somehow with that, slowly but surely, has come the resignation that since I’m 28 and contentedly single (well, more often than not), I’ll continue to be single the rest of my days.

I don’t know where I’ve gotten that ridiculous idea. I’m 28–only 2 years over the average age women get married. I think it must be the same kind of thing you tell yourself when you’re up for an award: “It won’t be me; it won’t be me,” just to try to keep yourself from being too disappointed when it’s not you (though somehow you still really think you will win because you “deserve” it).

But when I read that chapter, I allowed myself that dangerous hope once again. The hope that I won’t be spending the majority of my evenings alone.

And as I felt that hope rising within me, I felt my hardened heart opening itself up, allowing itself to be vulnerable, showing its soft inside.

And it hurts.

Photo Credit: David Schexnaydre

Following up yesterday’s 5 Things That Have Changed since I started blogging 5 years ago, is the 5 things that have stayed the same. For the most part, these are things that I thought would have changed in 5 years’ time.

1. I’m still single. This was not something I expected. I always assume I’ll meet and be pursued by my future husband some time in the next year, but it still hasn’t happened. The good thing, though, is that I’ve gained more joy in my singleness and am less likely to see it as a burden.

2. I still work at the same place. This also was unexpected. After all, I started working at the small non-profit as a part-time secretary while I was in school. Over the years, I have gained more and more responsibilities, morphing my position into what it is now (which is a little bit of everything we do).

3. I’m still a big-time reader. Actually, forgetting the last month, I’m a bigger reader now than I was 5 years ago. For the record, I’ve read 432 books since I started blogging.

4. I still love my church. When I joined in the fall of 2005, I loved it. Of course, I know more of its flaws now than I did then (and I’m one of them!), but I love it even more than I did then.

5. I still live in North Carolina. Of course, this is obvious considering numbers 2 and 4. I have moved 4 times in the past 5 years (it sounds crazier than it was), but every one of those moves have been locally. When I moved to North Carolina I thought I’d be here for school, then move out west. I definitely shouldn’t have moved east if I wanted to move west…

Their dog decided to "help" by offering me a ball to throw.

Yesterday was one of my favorite days in recent memory.

There was nothing particularly special about the day, nothing that someone else would look at and say, “Wow, she has a blessed life.”

But I absolutely do.

The best part of the day was the afternoon. I was invited over to a friend’s house for lunch with her family. We had lunch, sure, but it was much more. It was simply being together, living their typical Sunday afternoon. It was everything that I miss being single.

I’m convinced that that’s how we’re created to live. It’s only in our individualistic modern times where most people live alone or in small family units.

Sans dog...a success!

I don’t like it. As an introvert, I enjoy my alone time, sure. But as a person designed to live in community, I hate coming home to an empty house day after day.

It’s such a blessing to get to be a part of someone else’s family life.

I know I’ve said it before, but if you have a family, reach out to someone single and invite them into your life. Perfect hospitality not necessary, or really desired. It’s good to see family life more like it really is, not the façade we like to put up for “company.” While it’s nice to be treated like a guest sometimes, more often I prefer just to be one of the family.

I hope you had a good weekend as well!

One conversation from yesterday was special enough (in more than one sense) that it deserved its own post. I’m going to narrate it, as it just suits the story better.

A young girl I’ll call Maggie pulls out one of her Barbies. It’s one of the Disney Prince Charmings–a Prince Charming that has clearly been passed through the hands of most–if not all–of the 4 girls as he is balding (his black hair rubbed off near his forehead), missing a leg, and without his princely garments.

Maggie gives Prince Charming to me. “Here you go.”

“Uhh, thanks. Actually, I have been looking for a Prince Charming.”

“You wouldn’t care that he doesn’t have one of his legs?” Maggie asks, genuinely surprised.

“No, that wouldn’t bother me,” I respond truthfully.

“And naked?” she responds in disgust.

“Well, not until the wedding.”

I ask Maggie where my real prince charming is. She and her sisters proceed to offer up all the “available” men they can think of: several teenagers, a few married men, and their brother (I politely tell him that he can look me up in 20 years, causing him to blush).

When their list of eligible men was exhausted, I ask Maggie to look me in the eyes.

In a serious tone I tell her, “I do hope to get married some day, but even if I never do, I will continue to live each day happy.”

Her shock was obvious. At 6, she already is so ready to get married. “But that means you can’t have children!”

I fight back tears as I whisper, “I know.”

But her brain didn’t stop there, just like mine doesn’t. She delightfully gives her conclusion, “But if you had kids, you couldn’t watch us!”

I give Maggie a big hug. Yes, Maggie, I know.